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Angry & hurt at boyfriends choices

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  • June 9, 2018 at 3:10 am #211733
    Beachgirl
    Participant

    I’m hoping some replies will bring me some perspective and calm on how I’m currently feeling toward my relationship and my partner.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years, we’re in our early 30s and moved in together 2 months ago, we’ve been very happy, we never argue, love each other very much & are both happy to be in a serious relationship, we both want marriage and kids at some point.

    It was my 30th Birthday 2 days ago on Wednesday, I work long hours so there was no chance to do anything special on the day and I also have had little chance to organise a big 30th party or in fact anything special. A few months ago my boyfriend was invited to a friends stag do this weekend in Ibiza, its an old friend but not a best friend or someone he see’s often, as its expensive the stag is also throwing a UK stag do which the majority of him and my boyfriends mutual friends are going to rather than the Ibiza one, he knows a couple of the guys going to Ibiza but not all of them. To add to this it was also me and my boyfriends anniversary yesterday – so its my 30th birthday party and our anniversary today.

    I’m really struggling with not feeling hurt at him choosing to go, he discussed going with me when it came up 4 months ago and bought up himself that it was my birthday & our anniversary he would be missing, I said if the stag was what he wanted to do then he should, he booked flights and I pushed it to the back of my mind.

    He’s now gone and I’ve been left feeling upset and hurt, I know its completely unfair of me to be upset as if I had put my foot down and said no then he would of stayed. But within all of this I cant stop feeling angry at the situation, to top it off I’m not invited to the stags wedding and he’s going abroad again to attend another friends wedding in a few weeks which I am also not invited to, I dont know the couples but they know all about me and my partner and I feel as he is spending so much money attending their stag do’s and weddings abroad it also hurts that a +1 invite cant be offered.

    I feel like he isnt showing our relationship any respect & with all of the things he’s doing for his friends he could of paid some attention toward the fact its my 30th birthday and maybe I would of liked to celebrate it with him too – I did consider celebrating it on another weekend but the friends I’d invited couldn’t make the surrounding ones – also 30 is a big number, I dont ask for much in our relationship or seek attention but I feel like this should of been shown some more thought on his part. I’m flitting between anger and wanting to split up with him for being such an insensitive idiot and just telling myself to get over it as I do love him and know this was just an oversight on his part – he feels terrible and wishes he hadnt booked to go.

    Please give me some advice to find calm on this!

     

    June 9, 2018 at 3:35 am #211739
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Beachgirl:

    Clearly, you should have had your boyfriend with you celebrating your 30 birthday and relationship anniversary. He is not with you as a result of miscommunication, for one:

    You wrote that he “brought up himself that it was my birthday & our anniversary he would be missing, I said if the stag was what he wanted to do then he should… if I had put my foot down and said no then he would of stayed”

    The miscommunication I am referring to is not the obvious, that you told him it was okay for him to not be present for your birthday & anniversary. The miscommunication I am referring to is that it seems that in your mind you either don’t assert yourself at all, being passive (not expressing to him at all that you have a problem with him not being there for your birthday, maybe even not feeling at the time that you have a problem with it) or you think that you have to “put your foot down”, that is, to almost be aggressive.

    The assertive way (not passive nor aggressive) would be to tell him you do have a problem with him not being present for your birthday and express to him whatever other feelings you have on the matter. Then discuss it, talk about it.

    You went from one extreme, passive to the other extreme, aggressive when the effective, healthy way to go is assertive, the expressing of your various feelings on the matter, conflict you feel and open it to a discussion with him, aiming at a resolution.

    What do you think?

    anita

     

    June 9, 2018 at 4:52 am #211751
    Beachgirl
    Participant

    Thanks for your reply Anita, and yes I didnt assert myself at the time and handled it badly for my own part. I know I need to accept the decision he made and also be more assertive and open, at the time I couldnt foresee what I might plan in 4 months time, if I had known I would of asked for him to stay. Holding onto anger isnt going to help toward a resolution in any way. I am trying for the most part now to reflect on how I’m feeling and let go of this over the next few days so when he comes back I can have a discussion and work out how to move forward from this… Its just the letting go of the anger that is the hard part right now!

    June 9, 2018 at 5:11 am #211757
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Beachgirl:

    Anger is an emotion that demands a resolution and fast! It motivates us to fight, to end things. It leads to a lot of actions we regret later. So need to be careful about anger.

    Anger has a valid point: there really is something you need to do to resolve it, only what you need to do is to be done later (when he returns), not now. And what needs to be done is difficult to do, learning to be assertive. What needs to be done is not easy. Easy would be to break up with him.

    I didn’t attend to his part of the miscommunication and the distress you are experiencing. I don’t know what his part may be at this point. Your part is big enough to address. For as long as you are not assertive, a healthy, close relationship with any man is impossible.

    Post again, if you would like to continue this communication with me, or otherwise appeal to other members.

    anita

    June 9, 2018 at 10:55 pm #211873
    Mark
    Participant

    Beachgirl,

    Is the anger toward your boyfriend for not staying for your birthday and relationship anniversary or toward yourself for not asserting what you want?

    Regardless, I find that to release my anger is to acknowledge it explicitly within myself, to sit in meditation with it, to determine where in my body it shows up (feel into it) and to breath into it while meditating.

    Compassion for myself, for the anger, for your boyfriend helps.  That may require a separate meditation afterwards.

    Mark

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