anxiety, health and being hurt

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October 25, 2017 at 1:24 pm #174891

Anonymous
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* didn’t get submitted correctly…

November 2, 2017 at 6:26 am #176205

Anonymous
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Dear Anita

But isn’t it that accepting and noticing the hurt means torturing myself? Doesn’t “letting go” mean not looking at the past and focusing on present? I seem to have a lot of theoretical knowledge about meditation etc but sometimes I don’t know how to live according to it, and how to use it.

November 3, 2017 at 3:49 am #176357

Anonymous
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Dear joanna:

Seems like I missed your post yesterday, somehow didn’t see it until this very morning.

“isn’t it that accepting and noticing the hurt means torturing myself?” – becoming aware of the hurt in you is uncomfortable. We are used to existing with minimal awareness of it. It is uncomfortable to become aware. We don’t want to. And yet, becoming aware is the only way to heal that hurt. If you stay unaware, or minimally aware, you keep suffering like you have already. You keep operating in dysfunctional ways. If you become aware, you suffer but you also heal, suffer less over time, experience more calm over time and operate in functional ways.

“Doesn’t ‘letting go’ mean not looking at the past and focusing on present?”- if possible, yes. But if you already tried this and it didn’t work for you, if you tried it and are still anxious, still dysfunctional, then you have to look at the past because the past is still your present. I wish there was a way to let go of the past, I would have done it if it was possible.

To put it in another way: we can let go of our skin, we shed it. The skin we have today is not the same skin we had last year. Last year’s skin is gone. On the other hand, we don’t shed our brain. Your brain cells now are the same brain cells then, and the same connections between them as before. And so, the past is .. now.

You mentioned theoretical knowledge- it is indeed useless unless we can use it. Any specifics?

anita

November 10, 2017 at 8:32 am #177547

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks Anita. Somehow your explanations help me a bit. I try to heal but nights are the worst. When I know I can sleep calm and tomorrow is free, it’s fine but when I have to get up early or do some difficult work in the morning I can never sleep calmly. I wake up every 2 hours with my heart pounding and I’m having panic attacks. I always tried to just get back to sleep but it’s the same after that. Yesterday I tried to “watch” my panic attack like it’s not real and just my mind but I was too afraid of what is going on. I’m scared of this. I keep having nightmares at those nights too. I don’t know how to cope with it and not be scared. Someone told me to not go to sleep and not ignore it but just face it and accept it, similar as you say. How to do that, is it really the solution? Recently I think I’m going crazy, can’t control myself. I’m afraid when someone shouts in the street. It’s just a reaction, I’m not really afraid, just something happened to me and I’m scared of it. I don’t know how to go through with this.

November 10, 2017 at 9:15 am #177561

Anonymous
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Dear joanna:

Notice that you are evidence, as well as millions of other people, all are evidence that the feeling itself, the fear, is not dangerous: you survived it, millions survive it for decades and into old age. The feeling, no matter how alarming, does not kill.

Notice again, that you and millions of others are evidence that the fear does cause one to go psychotic, not after one panic attack, and not after many.

To manage anxiety it takes a multi disciplinary approach: psychiatric drugs may be needed, short term, if not long term, psychotherapy, meditation, exercise, and so on.

Management of anxiety is a long term process, not something that can be achieved in an hour or a day, or even a week, a month. It takes months, if not longer. The progress/ improvement, if you persist, is very gradual. A realistic attitude, patience with the process and gentleness with yourself are needed.

anita

December 7, 2017 at 2:41 pm #181001

Anonymous
Inactive

Thanks for that Anita, my panic attacks got less frequent. I started to face them instead of going back to sleep and ignoring. I don’t know maybe that helps. I keep talking with this guy whom I broke up with. I know it’s not true and just the feeling but I get the feeling I made the mistake and should have stayed, and that I will be alone forever. The fact that I lost a job and am I am sick makes it worse. We talk and he is nice but I keep torturing myself with what I did and how I shouldn’t have broken up with him. It scares me now what I did. I felt bad with him but I wasn’t ready for that decision and now I don’t feel better, I feel suicidal since he’s gone. Since I’m alone and aware he’s gone forever and it all should have been different. I keep beating myself up all days, and all nights. I can’t stand thoughts. I wake up and it all starts in my head until I fall asleep again at night.

December 8, 2017 at 4:29 am #181059

Anonymous
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Dear Joanna:

You wrote above that you are sick, are you referring to the diabetes you mentioned earlier, and if so, is it a curable diabetes, curable by losing weight perhaps?

If you re-read the postings in your thread, you will see what worked for you since the start of this thread. Those things that worked for you, that helped you before, however temporarily, keep doing them.

Regarding the man- he reads like a rude person (I re-read your previous posts here). He is a rude person, unloving. And just like you were not able to make your father love you, you are not able to make this man love you. Some people are cruel, they inflict pain on others and feel good about it. How can you change that in a person?

When you were a child you were stuck with the parents you had, with the unloving, maybe cruel father, that you had. Now, as an adult, you are not stuck. You may feel stuck and be tortured with anxiety, but you have the possibility of not being stuck with an unloving and cruel person.

When a child has an unloving parent, the child automatically beats herself up, believing she is at fault, that she is unlovable. You are still doing the self beating, still believing you are unlovable. And so, the wrong-logic goes: it is not his fault that he doesn’t love me because I am unlovable.

Truth is you are lovable and it is his fault that he has been rude and cruel to you.

There is hope for you, Joanna. I used to believe as you do. It is possible to change such core beliefs.

Do what works for you, don’t do what doesn’t work for you. Be gentle with yourself, kind. Post anytime.

anita

December 8, 2017 at 3:29 pm #181129

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Anita,

Yes it’s the diabetes but I’m very skinny, it’s more complex than that. I keep taking medications and can’t eat sugar. I don’t know if it gets better, it may but I will see in couple of weeks. This gave me the feeling of not being in control, a panic in fact. This triggered my anxiety in a big way.

Well yes I beat myself up, literally because in recent months I feel much more need to self harm. I try to be more and more aware of what I do and not do this, not touch my face, or anything but it’s been very hard. it’s not that I even think about it or intent to do this. I just do. I’m not sure if you know that feeling, it’s kind of automatic, like breathing or scratching your head. You do it automatically.

Panic attacks are better as I said, I’m trying to meditate, focus on whats happening and face it. I had it everytime I had to wake up early in the morning, now last 2 times I had no panic attack so it’s better. Maybe not gone completely but better. I’m trying to meditate for 1-2 minutes sometimes.

I understand this theory with my father it’s very true. I know it’s because of that but understanding is one thing. The whole problem is I never got the chance to convince my father to love me, or to do something to deserve it. I know a child doesn’t have to earn the love but, when I met this guy he reminded me of my father so much, felt so familiar, so nice and safe. And then when I failed to make him love me I guess I think I was given a chance, finally to make something to deserve it, and I was given this chance a second time with him because we dated earlier, and I failed again. I had this chance and I couldn’t, and I don’t know why, what is wrong with me. I can’t understand that. I guess I’m nice and pretty and intelligent, and I know I won’t be alone for long, I’m not saying that because I’m so confident, I have a very low self esteem, but I’m kind of aware men like me. I started dating someone, someone really really good and nice. And I’ve been stuck with this guy for the last 7 years and he’s been my whole world and purpose in life, and can’t let him go and move on. I don’t want to waste my life. I feel like I’m in a trap, I know all these things and can’t change it, it’s killing me. I understand he is a bad person, but I can’t forgive myself I couldn’t make him love me, I keep analyzing every moment which could be different, every conversation which could be better, even yesterdays texting when I could have been different when he said “why do you always have to… (something)”. I always want to punish myself, why am I like that, why I can’t be a person he wants. Maybe some detail I’d say or do would change how he feels about me. I feel like I will never be free of all this.

December 9, 2017 at 7:06 am #181185

Anonymous
Guest

Dear joanna:

It is scary when you feel that you don’t have self control, when you feel, and experience, that you do what you don’t want to do, that you can’t stop doing what hurts you.

The more you practice reasonable self control, the safer you will feel. These automatic behaviors, like picking your skin, these are habits, heavy duty habits. It takes a lot of time and patience to change these habits.

There are things we have no control over, other things we have some control over. Who you interact with is something we can have control over, we can exercise our freedom to choose.

To be driven by impulses, to act like an automation, driven by feelings is unsafe in most cases (if we are chased by a wild cat, better be driven to run away, driven by that impulse). To choose thoughtfully is to have reasonable self control.

And so, gradually increase the times in your day when you make thoughtful choices, replace the impulsive choices with thoughtful choices. The more you practice that the safer you will feel and less anxious you will become.

You wrote: “maybe some detail I’d say or do would change how he’d feel about me”- going back to the wild cat I mentioned, no matter what you say or do, if the wild cat is hungry, it will think of you as food and chase you, wouldn’t it?

anita

December 9, 2017 at 9:07 am #181205

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Anita, yes I try to self control. There are things I’ve been doing for the last 20 years, in the frames of “self harm”, and last 3 days I resisted, even though we texted and always led to me doing this. This time I wanted it to be different and have, although very little, but a bit of control over my reaction. So I guess for the first time in 20 years I chose not to. And I’m aware that the journey is very long and its just one small step towards.. I don’t even know what, and if it changes anything about my suffering. Does not self harming changes anything? Â It’s really hard and it doesn’t make anything better. this gave me couple of seconds of feeling relieved and now I have to keep and face those emotions. I know it’s how it should be but I don’t feel better, although I don’t feel guilty anymore because self harming always made me feel guilty and then I beat myself even more. But as I said that doesn’t feel any better so I’m not sure about today. You once said anxiety is a fear that keeps looking for something to focus on. Is my obsession with those thoughts and regrets a result of anxiety? Is it that I can’t let go because of this anxiety?

December 9, 2017 at 10:34 am #181229

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Joanna:

Anxiety is the root of most if not all of mental illnesses, diagnoses, symptoms: many forms, same root cause- anxiety. Obsessing is one symptom of many.

The thing about healing, this very, very long process is that you need to persist even when you feel badly, distressed. The improvement is so gradual, so slow that you don’t even feel the improvement, often enough. And so, it is about going on and on and on, persisting through distress.

I wish it was easier, of course I wish it was easier. But it is not. And so, we have to deal with it as it is.

anita

January 25, 2018 at 2:19 pm #189045

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Anita

Sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. I know you said I can’t go crazy when I am aware I could but. Sometimes I feel. I try not to self harm but I did in past few days. I talked to this guy who hurt me a while ago. I found out also that he slept with other girls too and he thinks that’s my fault I overcomplicated things by wanting something more from him. Also he is now in a serious relationship which makes me a … I dont know. This has destroyed me so much. I dont know if I ever recover from this. This has changed me so much and makes me think about myself like a not valuable, not worthy, ugly and old although I’m not old technically. I feel like I will never believe someone likes me or wants to treat me well.

I do not have that much panic attacks but still feel the need to self harm. every time I talk to him or he texts me or something else. Every time I feel overwhelmed with emotions I cant cope. How do people cope with emotions? I cant do that. I feel relieved after I self harm. How to do this without it, how do people not self harm and cope with emotions? Can you do that.

January 25, 2018 at 2:36 pm #189051
Mark
Participant
Joanna,

Even though you are addressing Anita, I thought I’d jump in.

It sounds like your anxiety is the main driver of your other issues. Your self harm, your sleep and other things as the result of our anxiety. I see that Anita talked about managing anxiety. Are you addressing it?

Meditation comes in many forms. The traditional sitting on a cushion in silence is one way. There are other ways like chanting or movement or whatever. You can consider walking in silent mindfulness in the forest as meditation. Listening to music and/or someone guiding you is another approach.

I am a main believer in exercise in dealing with emotions. You don’t even have to go to a gym. Running or walking is exercise. Jumping up and down in your kitchen is exercise. Screaming is another way of letting out emotions.

I believe the more we notice and being in touch with our bodies, the more aware we are mindful and the easier it is to deal with strong emotions. When I am feeling fear, I notice where in my body it shows up and I breath into it. I sit with it until it goes away.

Breathing is another way of dealing with emotions. I’ve done Laughter Yoga which is more about the breath than about the physical poses. Check out You Tube for that. Chanting is another way of breathing. Or just taking deep, diaphragm breaths into your belly and/or wherever your anxiety shows up in your body is another way in dealing with it.

Self harm is a habit you have developed to deal with your anxiety. Find a substitute, healthier behavior that you can substitute when you feel the urge.

Please consider what Anita suggested as a more comprehensive and systematic way of addressing your anxiety for it is a symptom of a core issue that needs to addressed.

Take care,
Mark
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Mark.
January 25, 2018 at 2:50 pm #189057

Anonymous
Inactive

Dear Mark

Yes I’m trying different things to overcome my anxiety. I run and cycle for the past month almost everyday. It helps on everyday basis but does not help when something bad happens. When I cant sleep or have panic attack I always try not to ignore it but face it. breathing and mediation. It’s sometimes better and sometimes worse but it kind of helps for sleeping. I tried movement meditation in park, it helps but I live in a noisy city I think it makes me feel worse, this whole noise I keep hearing it every day every night , all the time. Never stops. I feel better in smaller village but I cant move. I try breathing and sitting until fear goes away. It gets better. But when I have a really bad anxiety I forget about it. I’m too nervous to just sit. I know I should and I know I must try and try until I succeed. I just always forget and do what’s easier because I cant stand it. But really thanks for that, this is really what helps me, what you wrote.

January 25, 2018 at 3:10 pm #189061

Mark
Participant

Joanna,

I am glad whatever I said helps. I admire your persistence in helping yourself.

I am curious; how old are you? is there anything specific you get anxious about? is there something that makes you more anxious compared to other things that get you anxious? what do you do? student? what brings you joy?

Mark
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