Good late afternoon to you, Joanna. I appreciate you eating the orange: I hope that vitamin C, hydration (!) and rest will escalate your recovery. Happy and Healthier-and-healthier New Year to you!

anita

Anita, Thank you.

Hoping to get better but for now the cough is really tiring.

It amazes me too, even now when my day is almost finished and it’s 1:20 your time.

Have a good day, Anita 🙂

Anita, Thank you, I am better today.

How is your day?

Sorry for not responding earlier. I was thinking about our last posts.

Last week and this one is overwhelming for me. Maybe because of the sickness, too much work, not going out since 27th I think, also thinking about my own personality. Today is a bit better.

You feel less pain, a pain that is not overwhelming, but the pain doesn’t disappear. You don’t get to forevermore feel “nothing” about what hurt so much and for so long (it would be impossible because our brain doesn’t get replaced with a brand new brain that has no emotional memory of our past).

It saddens me to know this, so many memories I will not be able to..numb. I know it’s true. I just thought maybe it is possible for other people if they work hard enough.

Persons with PPD are hypervigilant to physical, verbal or social attacks, and do not trust others, and therefore tend to have few if any close or intimate associates. They tend to be aloof, cold, distant, argumentative, and frequently complain…  they have a difficult time getting along with others.

My mother does not have any close friend. She used to have some, she still has some friends (?) she likes, hangs out with but they all have on thing in common: at some point she felt anger at them, show them her contempt and stopped speaking to them. I read a lot about borderline personality disorder during recent days. “relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate” this is exactly my mother’s behavior.

I start thinking it would describe my thoughts sometimes too. I too get sudden feelings of anger at people for no reason. It passes but comes back.  Sometimes it has led me to being angry and getting into a stupid argument with people or being not nice to them. “Unclear or shifting self-image. When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. ” I have been obsessed about thinking I may be BPD too. It really kills me how not well I am when I struggle so much already, trying everyday and thinking I was doing Ok maybe.

“According to the DSM-5, persons with Paranoid Personality Disorder will have trouble operating with others in the workplace, educational or social settings

My mother was very bad at working with people. She hated everyone and everyone hated her. She didn’t even like birthday wishes at work so she took a day off every time it was her birthday. One time a coworker had a wedding and everyone was invited except my mother (she said she didn’t know why).

no point in explaining anything to her.. and now you know what is wrong with her, don’t you?

Yes and it feels weird knowing she is indeed sick. Feels like I do not and did not have .. real parents. Seeing families that some people have versus what I got..I feel sorry for myself a lot these days, last couple of years.

– back to the ravive. com/  ppd: “Persons with Paranoid Personality Disorder may develop brief psychotic reactions under stress, but by definition, a brief psychotic episode is discrete and does not endure“- I think that I understand now, that eerie silence, her sitting in the dark like that.. those were brief psychotic episodes that followed the intense stress she experienced during her raging attacks. Slowly, gradually, your mother, my mother were “coming back” (your words) from their brief psychotic episodes.

It almost seemed to me like she did not have a choice, like it was stronger than her, she had to stop speaking because of whatever she was experiencing at the moment – the anger, the psychotic episode. Even her “coming back” (starting speaking again) seemed like she finally was trying to speak again, not being fully able to but trying, as if she was fighting it. Very weird as I remember it. I am not justifying this, just saying it indeed seemed like some kind of psychotic episode.

when you find yourself feeling sorry for her, shift your focus to feeling sorry for yourself for a moment, for being born to her.

Thank you for this advice (and many more) –  I have been thinking a lot lately about this one.

Thank you for the note Anita. Of course it is totally Okay!

Have a good and calm day 🙂

There has been lots of sun where I live and 16 degrees on Sunday so quite strange for a winter here. Last time it was that hot in January was 24 years ago.

Sorry to read it’s grey and windy at your city. I hope you can still find pleasure in spending time outside.

Talk to you in the morning your time 🙂

Dear Joanna:

I hope that you are still feeling better today! I slept poorly, so I am tired still.

“‘Persons with PPD are hypervigilant to…  attacks, and do not trust others, and therefore tend to have few if any close or intimate associates…‘– My mother does not have any close friend. She used to have some… but they all have one thing in common: at some point she felt anger at them, showed them her contempt and stopped speaking to them. I read a lot about borderline personality disorder during recent days. ‘… rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate‘, this is exactly my mother’s behavior“-

– and this is exactly my mother’s behavior. There was always someone on her very good (idealized, “loved”) list and someone on her very bad (devalued, hated) list, and it was only a matter of time before someone on the good list found himself or herself on the bad list. No intimate associates in my mother’s life either, including me. She didn’t trust me after all, how could she feel close to me (she believed that I intended to hurt her every so often; you don’t trust someone you believe is trying to hurt you!) I grew up very lonely: no closeness with my mother, no closeness with anyone.

“It feels weird knowing she is indeed sick. Feels like I do not and did not have .. real parents. Seeing families that some people have versus what I got.. I feel sorry for myself a lot these days, last couple of years“- I saw, in person, the other day, a daughter (23), talking with her mother (50 or so). They were talking like two people, no detectable resentment, no anger… I never experienced anything like that! At all times, either my mother was angry at me and/ or I was angry at her…  Some time ago, I had my teeth cleaned and the dental technician, a large, pleasant woman, was humming nicely to music as she worked, and once in a while she’d say “please” and “thank you” as she asked me to move my face this way or that way.  Feeling her gentle hands on my face and listening to her humming, I thought to myself: this must be how it feels, to be with a mother.

“‘Persons with Paranoid Personality Disorder may develop brief psychotic reactions under stress…’ It almost seemed to me like she did not have a choice, like it was stronger than her, she had to stop speaking because of whatever she was experiencing at the moment – the anger, the psychotic episode. Even her “coming back” (starting speaking again) seemed like she finally was trying to speak again, not being fully able to but trying, as if she was fighting it. Very weird as I remember it. I am not justifying this, just saying it indeed seemed like some kind of psychotic episode“- I don’t remember my mother “trying to speak again”, but your description here otherwise makes me understand my mother’s psychotic episodes better: it really did seem like it (what was happening in her brain, her emotions, her mental state) was stronger than her… she didn’t understand it, wasn’t in control of it.

Here is an online description of how a psychotic episode feels like (psych central. com): “(Psychotic episodes) can last like a few minutes to days”, “If I’m in a fully psychotic episode… I’m still here, I’m just far away“, “I know something is very wrong, and there’s nothing I can do about it. And in those moments I’ve even had the ability to think, ‘Oh no, what if I don’t come out of this?’”

“I too get sudden feelings of anger at people for no reason. It passes but comes back.  Sometimes it has led me to being angry and getting into a stupid argument with people or being not nice to them… I have been obsessed about thinking I may be BPD too“-

– I have no doubt that my mother fit the bpd diagnosis, and it so happens that I was diagnosed with bpd myself: I suspected it when I was in my 20s. But I always knew that I did not fit at all the hpd (Histrionic Personality Disorder) diagnosis that my mother fit. Although I was and still tend to be suspicious of people, I didn’t go as far as fitting a ppd diagnosis. But back to bpd, yes, I did fit it and it is not surprising to me that both of us have or had serious anger issues: how can we not have trouble with anger, growing up with the mothers we grew up with?

“It really kills me how not well I am when I struggle so much already, trying every day and thinking I was doing Ok maybe“- you are well-enough today, Joanna, just as I am well-enough today. Tomorrow we will get better and the day after, even better. It’s all about getting Better, not Perfect.

(Perfection is not an option for you or for me. But surprise: it is not an option for anyone).

anita

Dear Joanna: good morning to you, and hopefully, a good night for me. (Glad I made your Thursday better)!

anita

Dear Joanna:

You are welcome and thank you for your words in the last paragraph. I think that it is getting better for you too. It amazes me how similar our mothers are, and this is why we are a great source of understanding to each other.

The good list/ bad list phenomenon as I now call it, is a bpd hallmark, a result of the bpd extreme all-or-nothing/ black and white thinking. The borderline anger, or rage is also a bpd hallmark.

“Even in nice moments with my mother when she had good mood there was still a risk: I could say something and she would get angry“- exactly: never-safe.

“It always amazed me how she did not have to care to ruin my mood, to offend me, she felt so free to say whatever she wanted!. Unlike me. Must have felt good to her to be so free, not being afraid to offend anyone (me)“-this has never crossed my mind.. how true: I was so afraid to say the wrong words and hurt her feelings… I cared for her this way, but she was not afraid at all to hurt my feelings, and purposefully chose the  most hurtful words.

“They (0ur mothers) still did have some control over their behavior. Which makes it more sad. They wanted to be this way“- I figure if my mother didn’t want to be this way, she would have said something at some time during the DECADES I was in contact with her, something like: I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings.

“It should not be shame to be struggling“- a victim-child should not be ashamed of having been victimized; it’s the victimizer-mother who should be ashamed of victimizing her own, vulnerable child!

“I do not want to hide it or pretend I am ok“- please do not hide and do not pretend.. anything.

“I once texted her (I think it was 2019) that maybe she should visit a specialist because of the anger issues, not speaking to people etc., and she just responded ‘No’…“- I don’t think that I’d dare saying this to my mother.. that would could easily bring another episode of borderline rage against me. I am imagining it now: she would react angrily and if I told her right there and then something like look at yourself, don’t you see that you have an anger issue?! She’d say something to indicate that she was having a bad daughter issue, that she is responding reasonably to a horrible daughter, and how sad for her… She never presented herself as the Actor of real abuse (ex., saying the most hurtful words for the purpose of hurting my feelings), but as the Reactor of alleged abuse (ex., mentioning to her that she had an anger issue for the purpose of helping her, if I dared to mention this).

I hope you are feeling better, are you, Joanna?

anita