Anita,

 The projection of your mother into the neighbor was immediate. Living with your mother, you had to be hyper vigilant, so to detect her anger and mocking … before it got worse, so that you could emotionally prepare for it, and so that you can figure out how to respond so to lessen the damage to yourself.

True. And good that I am aware of it, but still it is difficult and happens often.

you were not crazy. When we are spaced out (not focused on the here-and-now), we drift to a time of no-time: no separated past, present and future.

That’s very well said (as most of your thoughts, Anita). I will remember that.

– When she told you these scary, disturbing words the first time, you were very scared and disturbed.. but then, over time, you got so used to these words, that you .. forgot about them. This is what dissociation is about: either forgetting words and events altogether, or forgetting what you felt when the words and evens took place. Personally, I have very few memories of my childhood (I forgot a ton of scary words and events), and of what I do remember of the scary words and events, only recently did I start to remember a bit of what I felt back then.

I too, have very few memories from childhood. I imagine it is weird to only recently remember how you felt in those moments. I am wondering whether I remember words and events or feelings too. I remember being in my pyjamas a lot, being cold, out of bed in the middle of the night, shaking because of the cold – that’s why I remember it probably. Can’t remember much feelings except of maybe being scared.

I wrote to you yesterday: “I had some memories (very few) but it was only a visual image of me in those memories, not me, the actual person“- the feeling gives memories a 3rd dimension. Without feeling, memories are 2-dimensional. (A visual image  is 2-dimensional, an actual person is 3-dimensional).

Does this mean memories (traumatic ones for instance) need to have this feeling, this 3rd dimension?  Sorry if I misunderstand.

you felt lots of fear when that event took place, an overwhelming amount of fear. The anxiety you feel now on a daily basis is .. what it takes to keep that amount of overwhelming fear below your awareness. There is no way to intentionally make yourself re-experience that overwhelming fear, nor would it be a good idea if you were able (it’d be too much). It takes a very gradual process to feel it in small increments, small amounts that you can endure.

So what I understand is the everyday anxiety I feel is a result of childhood trauma, not processed trauma, and that better to not re-live those situations, not face this overwhelming fear. How to do it in small amounts and would it be helpful in processing trauma?

What I wrote right above is true to me: I feel anxiety on a daily basis, I am still pushing down fear that threatens to overwhelm me. It’s instinctive.

I must say I am still thinking about this whole post. Not everything is clear to me but I agree with the quote above.

I hope your health is back and that you are taking daily walks, Joanna.

anita

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Hello Anita,

Thank you for checking up on me. My health is good now and I try to take daily walks every day. I usually go to pick up some delivery from access point (books or cosmetics, or cat food), it’s about 1 km away. It has been my nice routine. Even if I don’t have anything to pick up I still go for a walk there. I have been silent on the forum because I have been caught up too much in this BPD, obsessed I am going to lose people I care about when they discover my condition. But it’s ok, I am trying to be reasonable about it, just have some anxiety because of this and thinking too much, having difficulties accepting this. I apologize for not responding earlier (I know you wouldn’t be angry but still wanted to say this).

 to remember a traumatic event without remembering how you felt during the event, is like watching a movie of your life, watching it as if it happened to someone else… isn’t it, for you? (I may be the one misunderstanding how you experience memories of traumatic events).

I have been thinking about this for past days and I am not sure whether I know how I felt then. My memories are very short, like couple of seconds of things I observed or experienced myself. Whenever I recall this it’s always the same: particular moment and remembering I must have been scared or.. do not remember any feeling at all. Sorry if this is confusing.

I wonder if you will benefit from reading from John Bradshaw‘s book “Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing your Inner Child“.

I got this book, thank you for recommending, Anita. It’s quite long I see (I hope I didn’t get a wrong one) but I like reading about healing.

Of course, you can always share a traumatic event here, on your thread, something you already did. As you share, take breaks when it gets intense or uncomfortable,  notice your breathing from time to time, and take slow breaths, see what feelings come up, if any.

Thank you. I found it helpful last time. It was difficult but today the thought of even remembering this doesn’t feel that scary.

Thank you for being so kind Anita, have a good and peaceful day 🙂

Anita,

I just thought today at work… I did not even ask how you have been, Anita. So asking now: How are you?

you mean in real life or here in your thread.. ?

In real life, reading too much on the internet and thinking too much about this.

does any of this reads true to you?

it mostly true when it comes to my childhood, there are memories that are vague even though they happened when I was around 13/14yo. And most of my early years. I know we were going to shop every Saturday to the small town near our place and I could not remember even one time going there. And more and more memories that are not there, like afternoons/evenings at home, eating meals, spending time, except for some memories with my cousin. Right now I think my memory is still pretty bad. I forget stuff so I keep my notes on daily basis.

you are welcome. I hope that it will be helpful to you!

I will start reading. I also got some other about BPD. I am not a good reader (I still have books it’s hard for me to finish since last year) but I will try.

Anita,

Don’t worry about forgetting to ask me how I am, I forget things too! And I am fine, thank you

You make everything seem so… okay and simple. I am grateful for that 🙂

I don’t remember if we talked any about BPD, or if we talked about it at length. I don’t remember that you mentioned lashing out at people angrily, which is a hallmark of the disorder…?

I think we only did in context of our mothers and a borderline rage. And no, I never lash out at people angrily, but I do feel this anger sometimes, it comes and goes. Also this “splitting” – I think it happens too. There are times I feel angry at some people (once they do something to upset me) and cannot shake off this feeling for some time. I can be naggy and not nice and it’s because of this anger. I also had history of self harm. There are symptoms that I think I used to have/are not that intense like: Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors, Unstable relationships, Fear of abandonment.

Re-submitting:

Dear Joanna:

I like reading your first sentence, that I make everything seem so okay and simple. I hope to do more of that!

“I never lash out at people angrily, but I do feel this anger sometimes.. Also, this ‘splitting’.. symptoms that I think I used to have/ are not that intense, like: Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors, Unstable relationships, Fear of abandonment”

hey sigmund. com: “Almost everyone is afraid of anger because we are not taught how to express it properly. Anger is simply one of many emotions. It is neither good nor bad…The only thing negative about anger are the consequences involved if you deal with your anger inappropriately by lashing out and yelling at people or breaking things or turn it in on yourself… One of the ways to deal with anger issues is to learn and practice assertiveness… so… you can express yourself in a rational manner and, hopefully, be heard by the people with whom you are interacting with.  It can alleviate some of the feelings of helplessness a person can feel in an intimate relationship.

”The other way to learn to deal with anger is to learn conflict negotiation skills. This is not for the faint of heart because it requires you to look closely at both sides of an argument and figure out what you really want… Another reason that a person may be afraid of anger is because they fear retaliation from the other person… But the bottom line is that conflict is found in every single relationship be it an interpersonal one or a work relationship. So, it is imperative that we learn how to approach conflict so that it can be productive and not confrontational… A third way is to learn anxiety reduction techniques such a mindfulness meditation”.

I like the above quotes, do you?

anita

Dear Joanna:

“I think I did a good job in reducing acting on my anger. Communicating my emotions, naming them, apologizing to people if needed and explaining. It happened couple of times only but I think it was a big step for me“- CoNgRaTuLaTiOnS for these couple of times. A couple of times is an excellent beginning!

“For example: my mother when she wanted me to clean the room she: 1. did it herself with anger and calling me names 2. talked to me angrily every day after that how I am messy... (instead of asking) politely “Could you please clean you room and wash the dishes today?” It’s that simple“- yet, my mother never did this simple thing, not a single time. I wish she did…

“And thank you again Anita for the mood and atmosphere you create here on this thread. I learn a lot here about how to communicate and treat other people“- by saying this, you are encouraging me to pay more attention to the mood and atmosphere I create- or add to- in other threads, with other members. Thank you!

“I try not to be depressed and feeling sorry for myself because of what happened to me“- feel a bit sorry for yourself, from time to time: that’s empathy, and you deserve it.

anita