joanna,  Of course you want to be with a man that makes you feel safe.  I think that is a Universal need.  And you know that this man is not the right person to do that.  And yes, we do need to love and care for ourselves as well.

I believe we still need a community, a friend or some sort of support and caring outside ourselves in order to thrive.  Ideally we also would have a committed romantic partner who can do that as well.  I don’t think it is healthy to have just one person we can feel safe with.

I wish you well in your journey in finding safe people and co-creating healthy relationships.

Mark

Dear  joanna:

You are welcome and  take as  long  as you’d like  between posts. Always  good to read from you. I figure compared to your experience with your mother, the  one with your father was the safer. Compared to her yelling  at you (you shared  that before), criticizing you, giving you silent treatments, her boyfriend bullying you… compared  to that, your father was the safe  place.

* You wrote about your parents: “they divorced… so that I would  have a ‘normal and calm life'”, that is what your mother told you? It wasn’t the truth, was  it. She divorced  him for her reasons, not so to increase your emotional well being. If your emotional well being was her motivation,  her concern, she wouldn’t have repeatedly damaged  it and allowed her boyfriend to do so. (It reminds me  of  my mother telling  me that the reason she got pregnant and  had my sister was  so that I will have a sister, that  I will not be  lonely.  That was  untrue as well).

Back to the comparing: in comparison to your life with your mother and her boyfriend after the divorce, your father was the safe place. A child  knows only  what  she  experiences.

You wrote a couple of posts ago about this guy: “I do not understand this whole  situation… why is he talking like that now, is it about sex  only,  which also hard to believe since  he lives  with a girlfriend, why would he need me f or a sex, what’s the  point of that. Is he  really  that  damaged… “- lots of men (true  to women as well) look for sex elsewhere even though they have a girlfriend or a  wife. Many times there  is nothing  wrong  with their sex life  with the girlfriend or wife, they just want something different from what  they have  available.  It is  the  excitement, more action in their life, distraction, something  to do. He enjoyed  something  about you and  he wants to experience it again.

In regard to a relationship with a man,  the  hope as I see  it, is  in you experiencing something  new, a relationship with a man who loves you, is committed to you,  is not aggressive with you,  respects you, loyal to you.  If you relax into such a relationship and  participate in it in a  healthy way, then you will have an experience that will enter  that  comparison sheet in your brain. Compared to this yet-to-happen experience, a guy like the one your thread is about, wouldn’t stand a chance.

anita

Dear joanna:

Regarding your father: he and your mother were not good parents to you. Both. In the context of your relationship with either one, you were the victim and he/she was the victimizer.

How can you live with hating and punishing your father when he is now dead? Your hate and any behavior toward him that you consider punishing is a consequence of his actions. In the context of your relationship with him, it is you who was the innocent party and he was the guilty party. (Same in regard to you and your mother).

How to live with that.. this is how I think about it- one day I will be dead too. It is not like a parent is dead for eternity while I will be alive for eternity. I will die too, so all of my distresses have a time limit.

As far as the guy, you wrote:” How can he want me and not want me at the same time”- my answer: he wants part of you and he doesn’t want the other part of you. Reads to me, as you suspect yourself, that he wants your body. He doesn’t want your well-being, your best interest.

Let’s think about this: if he wants your body, the use of your body, and maybe he wants the sense of power over you, that he gets what he wants from you, but he doesn’t want you to be well, that is not his concern- well, how does it make you feel?

anita

Dear joanna:

The recommendation I used to read in a lot of places, to forgive, used to greatly confuse me and hindered my healing for many years. This is what I learned: anger has a message in it, that a certain person and situation is dangerous to you. The person and situation need to be attended to and resolved. It is harmful to try to eliminate the anger without resolving the situation. For example, to eliminate anger for a particular person and continue the interactions with that person that hurt you. The interactions need to be terminated and then… the anger will resolve by itself because it would have served its purpose.

And this is what I did (answering your question in the last line): I ended all contact with my mother, will be having no contact with her for as long as I live. I was angry with her my whole life, repeatedly. Even after ending contact. But a few years of no contact and finally the anger is gone… except when I see how she is still hurting others who are in contact with her. But as far as her hurting me, situation resolved, anger served its purpose, and is gone.

anita

Dear joanna:

You are doubting my statement that I no longer feel angry at my mother with whom I have no contact. Okay. Look for this very information in nature then: an animal who is aware of a predator around feels fear and runs away. After successfully running away, does it go back to the way it was before: feeding and listening still, relaxing when feeling safe, like before?

And when an animal in nature feels anger when another is threatening it and fights the other animal, survives the fight, the other animal is gone, safety is resumed, does the animal not return to the way it was before, or is it still fuming, angry at the threat now gone?

We are no different. We are animals.

anita