Servio,

I am in the same boat and just to want to say that I feel your pain. I am getting so tired of these thoughts. I just want to feel better. Hope you’ll get some good advice here.

Good luck!

Hi Servio,

I think the anxiety, at its root, has nothing to do with your relationship or who you’re with. Usually if we’re dissatisfied with our partner, we feel irritated or bothered, or racked with guilt that we’re leading them on. But anxious? Not so much. Not unless a break up is pending and it will be messy.

I suspect the anxiety stems from the pressure you’re putting on yourself (“must start family!”) and the fear of making a mistake. Marriage is supposed to equal being together forever, and you theoretically get one shot.

Maybe get off your self-imposed Life Plan. Ground yourself. Take up yoga or meditation. Walk on the earth barefoot. Plant a garden. These things help ease anxiety in general.

Best,

Inky

Dear Servio:

The first thoughts that come to your mind in the morning, the first thoughts you listed are: “Am I with the right person? Is she enough? What if someone better comes along? Can I get someone better? Is she attractive enough? Is she smart enough?”

If your girlfriend is not good enough, attractive enough, smart enough and so on, that means that you are not good enough, doesn’t it? She sorts of reflects your value to others, doesn’t she?

Is it that you think something like: my parents/ other people can see that she is not right, enough, good enough, smart enough and they are thinking: what is wrong with Servio for not being with the right woman who is good enough, etc.?

Is that the thinking?

anita

Servio,

Thank you for this post. I have been distraught this week with intrusive thoughts and it really is the worst most tiring feeling in the world. All the doubts you list, the fears you mention…I have them too. I am trying EVERYTHING to get through this and I’m so so tired of it I don’t know how much more fight I have.

What I would say is what I am discovering…anxiety is rooted in fear. That fear comes from somewhere in the past. The part about your Mother resonates with me. How dare she make a judgement on someone you love. That for me is crossing a boundary.

Feelings too are are rooted in the past. For example, growing up in a very unstable home, I never knew if I was good enough. I had to succeed to be loved, usually by achieving high grades etc. Relationships can’t be graded. So what do I do now that I need to understand that my relationship is ok? I panic. I doubt. I let fear lead me. Take me down a dark path of intrusive thoughts ESPECIALLY when I wake up.

I also am learning to not listen to feelings so much. Growing up I learnt that I didn’t have that love. So, my brain is wired to learn that love = pain. So now I have someone who does love me unconditionally, who is always there for me and who is stable, my old wounds and fears trigger and I feel pain. When you grow up needing something (approval of others for example) then we find what we need (in the form of a relationship) that’s when GRIEF begins. It’s like we shed a part of us. The hurt, the pain, THE UNCONSCIOUS PART OF US. So there are things that despite your happy childhood will have been ingrained in your brain. The good thing is your unlearning it. Feelings are rooted in the past. Following your feelings in my eyes, is bad advice. I learned the above watching Dr Pat Love. She says:

”Feel the feelings, do the right thing! Feel the feelings, stay in the relationship.”

I wholeheartedly wish you the best. Thank you for sharing.

Servio,

You said: “From your post I understand that you have had a couple of relationships where you feel the same way, have yo ended the relationships because of the feeling of anxiety?”. You misunderstood. That’s the first time I am experiencing this – which, according to my therapist, means that I am finally in a secure and safe relationship. And this relationship stirred up all the issues on the inside (abandonment being the main one).

Sorry I can’t give you the answer you are looking for – I don’t know how it feels if and when one breaks up because of the anxiety issues. Guess we have to live our questions and let life unfold. Easier said than done. One day at a time – this is how I am pushing through right now. Cheers and stay strong, my friend.

Xenia,

Thank you so much for sharing that. It resonated so much with me. The JOURNAL. My journal drives me insane but calms me at te same time. Actually I have struggled to write it recently.

I felt hope reading your message. I do believe the anxiety surges because it is an important relationship to us and because we have inner work to do, to heal the pain!

Wishing you such such strength and joy. You deserve it!!!