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Anxiety/nervous about next steps

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  • #359310
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi,

    This is my first post, I have not been in a serious relationship for years after suffering the consequences of my first heartbreak. Recently I met a wonderful woman who keeps me grounded, humbled and it feels good so far (fingers crossed). She has asked me to meet some of her friends, I suffered extreme anxiety after my last relationship and accept anxiety is a part of the human condition and just needs to be tamed when heightened. It is currently, I’m feeling nervous or apprehensive about the next steps we are taking. I was thinking of asking my own friends to this lunch and introducing them to her at the same time, this will keep me calmer or will this not be welcomed/bad idea? I will, of course, be myself but being out of the game so long has left me awkward in social situations. Help?! Ladies what would you feel with my idea of bringing a chum?

    #359366
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tim:

    Reads to me, as a general rule,  that fewer people in the meeting/ lunch, the better, a more intimate setting for the purpose of introduction, but not necessarily so. If it makes you feel better having your friends join in, that may be fine, it will be more of a group get together, a lunch party of sorts. Why don’t you talk to your girlfriend about her, ask her what she feels about a group lunch get together?

    anita

    #359370
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for your feedback, I will speak to her. I’m just nervous about applying undue pressure on her too. I want to get this right as it is a big step and as I said previously I have been out the game for a while. Just wanted some opinions, but as you said communication is key.

    #359371
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tim:

    You are welcome.

    “I’m just nervous about applying undue pressure on her”- then talk to her calmly, explain to her how you feel and ask for her opinion. As long as you talk to her in a calm way (not in a very nervous, tense way), she is likely to not feel pressure. On the other hand if you meet with her friends (without your friends joining), and you are very nervous and tense- that is likely to feel tense herself.

    anita

    #359374
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I perhaps ought to reframe it, I should feel the excitement of meeting her new friends, after all this is a move in a positive direction. It is the pesky self-doubt creeping back in because I haven’t been in a serious relationship since my last heartbreak and I really would like this to go well. I just needed a little reassurance from a neutral. Talk it out, I shall. I’ll keep you posted. Thank you.

    #359382
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Tim,

    I don’t see anything wrong with bringing your own friends to this lunch as long as your girlfriend is okay with it. I can understand why doing this would calm you. I was recently talking with my son and his gf and she told me that when she first met his friends (at dinner at a sports restaurant/bar) she decided to bring her own friend with her in order to “take some of the focus off of herself”, so I’ll bet your feelings are not uncommon.

    B

    #359400
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tim:

    In another thread you shared about a previous relationship, one with your very first girlfriend, who was “the one, the best, and had an aura about her”. She broke up with you saying that she didn’t realise a relationship would be so much work and that she wanted to focus on her career. You were crushed, overwhelmed and had a mental breakdown. You were determined to “woo her back”, went to therapy for the purpose of getting her back, and managed to do so for another year.

    During that year you left a job you loved, so to be closer to her. You started saving for your “forever home” with her and put down a deposit on a home, but your “love was not returned, she was not putting forth the same effort and reluctant to set concrete plans” with you, and she broke up with you second time. You were “depleted and destroyed.. spiraled out of control.. almost ruined my entire life for someone else”. You then went for more therapy, focused on yourself and your goals, but still pined after her and got rejected by her two more times.

    Two years after the second breakup, she reached out to you, feeling ready to settle with “consistent Mr. nice guy”, who she expected to “be there waiting to pick it back up”. But you figured that you were not going to set yourself up for “the inevitable fifth (rejection) which may happen midway into married life when she finds me not to be enough again”. You believed that she “always walked away from the responsibilities of being in a relationship.. where there is a solid commitment i.e. marriage.. children and problems arise should be worked on”, that she was “too selfish”, that you “had her on such a pedestal” and made excuses for her. But not anymore!

    “that pain of not being enough when I gave her my everything, planned our future and had it ripped away, taught me I don’t want that type of love”, and you took her “off that pedestal”. But you started to despise yourself for being “nice, soft, etc.” and acted for a while like “that stereotypical bad boy that most women long for”, went too far with it and hurt others, and that you didn’t like being that person. So you returned “to being a nice guy I always was at heart, my authentic self”, dated, got dumped, endured, and are now in “a very stable relationship. It isn’t the extreme highs and lows and thrill or rush you get  on an on/off-again relationship from the never-ending drama. It is a feeling of stability, maturity, I am being me and I feel serenity for being accepted as me. It may work out, it may not but I now accept that”.

    You wrote about your current girlfriend on this thread that you met her recently and that she asked you to meet some of her friends, and you feel “nervous or apprehensive about the next steps we are taking”. You were considering asking your own friends to join her friends and the two of you for lunch.

    You wrote: “I’m just nervous about applying undue pressure on her too”- I didn’t understand this sentence when I first read it yesterday and failed to ask you what you mean by “applying undue pressure on her too”. Would you like to explain it to me?

    anita

     

    #359539
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi @Brandy,

    Yes, we had a good discussion, again communication in a relationship is key and it turns out she decided to introduce her friends, so I could eventually do the same in return because she is excited as me to progress forward. I pointed out I was very anxious and would appreciate an open gathering where I could bring a few chums and we can do a joint garden party and she agreed. So all is well, however, still anxious as I do want to impress – this is normal and hopefully with my friends alongside me. I’ll leave a good first impression!

    @Anita – I am cautious now as I do not want to repeat the same mistakes as my first serious relationship. My ex used to proclaim I was pressurising her when I used to question why she was not willing to move forward, this “pressure” I do not want to unknowingly apply to my new girlfriend. However, the discussion with my current girlfriend highlighted the importance of communication for a healthy relationship, we discussed it maturely and came to a fair compromise, which is not something I would ever have been able to achieve with my ex. I always ended up sacrificing to meet her needs. We all also have the propensity to overthink events, which can make us anxious, so enjoying the moment and regularly reminding ourselves that our minds can trick you is key.

     

    #359542
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tim:

    I think you will make a good first impression because you clearly made a first and going good impression on your girlfriend, and  her friends, if they are decent friends, are likely to appreciate you for having a positive affect on their friend’s/ your girlfriend’s life.

    You wrote in your recent post: “I am cautious now as I do not want to repeat the same mistakes as my first serious relationship”. Previously you wrote regarding your first serious relationship: “she was not putting forth the same effort and reluctant to set concrete plans with me”. See to it with your current girlfriend that following putting some effort, wait and see if she puts in effort. If she doesn’t- don’t pressure her or complain to her. Give her more time and don’t put much more effort until she does, if she does.

    Reads like this woman is more invested in you than the previous one, take a deep breath, as many times as you need to, and take it as easy and slow as you can. There is saying that is quite true, figuratively : rushing is from the devil. Don’t rush. And post again anytime.

    anita

    #359755
    Tim
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for the confidence boost. Anxiety always makes you see the negative perspective of any situation. As you pointed out, I have a woman who is definitely more invested than my ex ever was. She is eager to meet my friends too and is making effort and compromises thus I shouldn’t self sabotage because I’m used to a certain pattern of behaviour. Slow and steady wins the race.

    #359757
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tim:

    You are welcome. Anytime you want a repeat of confidence boost, post and I will be glad to repeat. Your girlfriend is invested and motivated- this is a huge difference from your ex girlfriend. If you further take into your awareness the fact that  she is motivated, you will feel less anxious and nervous about the next steps.

    anita

    #359759
    Tim
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I appreciate your insight and help. I hope I can return the favour to others on this forum too.

    #359761
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Tim, and you already returned the favour to others (I read your replies to others, excellent input, if I may say so!)

    anita

    #360249
    Tim
    Participant

    Thank you Anita, I shall try to continue.

    #360254
    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, Tim. It will be good to read from you anytime.

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 15 total)

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