November 17, 2017 at 3:55 pm #178561
hi, (sorry its long, tldr at the end)
I decided to sign up for these forums because I've been struggling with the same thing for about a month.
my boyfriend and I are both 18, met at the end of high school and talked all summer. I was completely infatuated with him, mostly because I thought he was so cute and I could see myself being with him because we got along so well. the only problem was, he was going to school in North Carolina AND his family moved there. I go to school in Maryland. We were exclusive over the summer but never talked about what we were doing for college, and seeing him go earlier than me hanging out with all his new friends especially girls made me want him more, miss him more, and become more anxious and I had constant obsessive thoughts.
Eventually we started talking more, and like actually talking and connecting. We always knew that we had a ton of chemistry and we really just got each other. He actually asked me to be his girlfriend so we were basically dating. At this point in the semester, I wasn't as unhappy as I am now (i'll get to that) but talking to him made me so happy. Eventually I was able to visit him, and he visited me too. We said our “i love yous” in person because we knew we couldn't over text.
The first time that he visited me was great too, I cried when he was leaving because I didn't know when the next time I was going to see him would be. Then, around midterms, he told me that he was able to visit over Halloween. it was then that I got the thought “what if I dont love him anymore” after this inital thought, everything spiraled. I couldnt stop thinking about it, so much I had constant heart pounding in my chest and panic attacks through the night (non stop). I saw a therapist at school first thing that morning. I eventually felt so horrible I had to take a last minute train home tuesday night. I told him about my feelings, and I asked for a break, but absolutely nothing felt right about it. going home, we called, facetimed, and after that weekend, everything felt better, and we were back to normal. i still thought about “what if I see him on halloween and not feel the same” but that didnt happen, it was a great weekend.
after that, everything felt better, but my hatred for college and being away from home got worse. the weekend after halloween I decided to go home just for the weekend because I couldn't stay at school. all of my friends go out, but i would rather stay inside and do nothing. I started getting these thoughts again last tuesday after realizing i had a 10 page essay due. these feelings got so bad that I wanted another break. that night, thursday night, after seeing another counselor, when everyone was going out, my anxiety got worse. I hadn't eaten all week so I tried eating and throwing up twice because of how bad I felt. i felt so depressed and anxious i cant even describe it. nothing felt right. i went home for the weekend, but my depression and anxiety only felt worse. i felt completely numb and emotionless, and i couldn't enjoy anything anymore (music, netflix, etc) my boyfriend and i talked more but i would just cry every time because i felt so horrible, i didnt want to break up with him. i cant explain how empty i felt thinking that my brain knew more than me, as in what if i didnt love him despite the fact i knew he was and still is the only person i want to be with and ever imagine myself being with.
(conclusion, im sorry) not being able to see him for a while makes me doubt things, which makes me so distressed because i don't want that to happen. i know that when i see him, everything will be okay, but i just wish it wasnt at my school. i feel trapped and depressed here, and i miss the days of when i would feel completely infatuated with him. this is my first relationship, first love, plus ive always been used to only having crushes, nothing more. so that feeling of infatuation was fun, but i never got past that, so this is confusing me. i'm on my brothers adderall that now to focus more on school. my mom gave me my aunt's xanax to calm my anxiety, but i think i also need antidepressants. i just feel completely flatlined, like i can't feel anything when i know that i want to love him. another thing that scares me is that im not jealous of him hanging out with girls in a group anymore, because i know he loves me so much and would never break up with me, when before in the beginning those were my obsessive thoughts (if he really liked me) and that was due to my anxiety. all of these thoughts are made up of “what ifs” and i feel like im convincing myself now because its just circling around my head, and i cant get them out. i would go further into detail about my depression but thats too much. im just scared that ill never be happy again, or that if i do get better, i will have the same feelings. he understands completely, i tell him everything, and being honest with all of my thoughts brings me closer to him and it brings me reassurance. i feel guilty because hes the best guy ever, i mean really so in love with me and i'm not used that. he treats me so amazingly and i dont want to lose that. we're eachothers rocks and support systems, and even though im having these feelings i still care about him so much.
i just want to be able to see him again and know that i'm okay, but that also gives me anxiety. i don't see a solution here. i want to be with him but i dont know why i dont feel as “in love” as i was before we actually started visiting eachother/when we were together. last night i was drunk and just knew that I was in love and im scared that i dont want to only feel like that when im drunk, because i've felt it before. i just want to get over this. please someone help, i cant lose him.
tldr; amazing summer of infatuation with a guy from high school, now in LDR, anxiety and depression over if i love him because i want to love him and we have such great chemistry still. i feel disconnected from him now that im having these thoughts because i dont want to have them and i want to do is see him. i dont want to lose him and i cant imagine my life without him. first relationship, especially over distance, makes it a lot worse. please help!November 18, 2017 at 5:40 am #178581
Question: how did it come about that you take your brother's Adderall? Did your mother take you to a psychiatrist or did she just suggest you take your aunt's Xanax?
How often and how much of these two drugs do you take?
Also, I wonder if you can share more about your anxiety before college, when you lived at home.
anitaNovember 18, 2017 at 4:22 pm #178607
i've always struggled with school, so i thought that adderall would help me become more motivated which it kind of has. my mom gave me the xanax in case of panic attacks at school, because it seems that, at college, they come for no reason and are uncontrollable.
in comparison to when i was at home, i never really had anxiety for no reason. sure, it came and it went, and I have had bad panic attacks in the past, but it has always been temporary. here, i feel constant anxiety and absolutely no way to fix it. i saw a therapist for 4 years in high school and when i saw her when i was home she said she's never seen me this bad. I've only taken a xanax once at college, and it helped a lot. adderall I only take it when I need it for classes or for a big assignment. i have never taken pills for anything before, but at college I feel completely hopeless of my anxiety and I need something to control it.November 19, 2017 at 4:03 am #178619
Wikipedia has an extensive entry on Adderall. Adderall contains amphetamine.
Wikipedia reads: “According to the International Programme on Chemical Safety (IPCS) and United States Food and Drug Administration (USFDA), amphetamine is contraindicated (harmful) in people with a history of… severe anxiety.”
And you do have a history of severe anxiety, so Adderall may be increasing your anxiety. Also, these drugs legally should be prescribed by a medical doctor and not be taken otherwise. A competent medical doctor should prescribe, see the patient on a regular basis, follow up on how the patient is doing, ask about how the patient feels and decide whether to increase the dose, decrease or eliminate the drug altogether.
This is irresponsible and risky to use brother's Adderall. I strongly recommend you see a medical doctor as soon as possible for the purpose of addressing your use of Adderall (and any other drug).
anitaNovember 19, 2017 at 11:12 am #178647
If you don't mind me saying so, this has nothing to do with your boyfriend at all. Go see a doctor and get your own meds. Using someone else's (even if it's “just”Adderall and Xanax) is a temporary solution and a bad habit to get into.
Then you can ruminate over the state of your relationship.
InkyNovember 21, 2017 at 10:15 am #178937
I know exactly how you feel. I’m 17 and I’m 6 months into a relationship with a girl. I don’t even know where to begin…
Before she became my girlfriend, we’d get along so well and I was head over heels in love with her however not long after we started going out I suddenly became really anxious and depressed, especially around her. I’ve lost the feeling of being “in love” for some reason but I just know I should be. I can also relate to you getting drunk because whenever I’m drunk I feel the feeling of being in love that I don’t feel when I’m sober. So Inky I’m not sure what you mean about “this has nothing got to with your boyfriend” because it clearly has and I know exactly how she feels. I’ve recently tried reading some Abraham hicks and meditiating but I just want to fix this problem as soon as possible because it has 100% got to do with my relationship and I don’t know why.November 21, 2017 at 10:16 am #178939
The problem is deriving from her relationship, and most likely self esteem issues. Adderall isn’t the main problem here