Dear Anxious Irish, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to in order to “be there for your friend”. I imagine that you think your friend will be hurt if you’re not there for her wedding and that’s what’s holding you back from choosing not to go (even though your friend inadvertently hurt you by inviting the devil-woman). The question is how will *you* feel when you interact with that devil-woman. I’d say it’s a very good guess that she’ll try to make you feel like crap because that’s what she does. If you can’t handle that kind of behavior and with your history of depression, I’d stay away from her and f the wedding. I will share with you one of my favorite quotes which was certainly true for me: “before you diagnose yourself with low self-esteem, make sure you are not in fact surrounded by a**holes”.  There’s nothing wrong with extracting yourself from situations that eat you up inside, and putting your mental health above your friend having you there as a wedding guest. Personally the way I deal with toxic people is stay the f away from them.

Also a question that helps me make decisions is: How does the thought of going make me feel? (extremely anxious, worried, upset stomach) How does the thought of not going make me feel? (calm, safe, still stomach)

Of course, that’s what I would do and said it so that maybe it would help you. It’s up to you in the end. Good luck whatever you decide. You are strong no matter what. (also since you no longer work at that job you can certainly tell that b*tch to f off)

Dear Anxious Irish:

“WHY was she invited with the history of bullying that most people know she has??”-

– I figure because sometimes she is nice, just like you wrote, she invited you to her house for dinners and out for drinks. She is sometimes friendly to people, so she is not “Ming The Merciless.. literally Satan personified” to everyone at all times.

In addition to it, because of your significant anxiety and previous life experiences, you are more vulnerable to her behaviors than some other people, viewing her bossiness for example, as if through a magnifying glass, seeing it as more terrible, more dangerous, more offensive than others view it.

anita

Dear Anxious Irish:

I suppose if the women who didn’t invite her to the hen party were so afraid of her, they wouldn’t have neglected to invite her to the hen party. Maybe she is not so scary. Like you wrote, you are very sensitive. You must have had difficult childhood experiences that led you to this acute sensitivity. I did and I too was overly sensitive to people, believing they were thinking little of me, thinking I am a freak, shaming me etc. I believed that based on “evidence” such as their facial expressions, the things they said or didn’t say, their behavior, alert to those indications that I was less than.

Do you want  to share about your childhood experience that led to your intense sensitivity to people’s behavior?

* I will soon be away from the computer for a while

anita

Dear Anxious Irish:

She shouts at people- that makes her a bully, of course. And it is not your fault that she is a bully. I was just saying that she is probably not as dangerous as you think she is, most bullies are not. Most bullies are not as dangerous as they seem to be. If there is any chance she shouts at you at the wedding, if that is a possible behavior on her part, then you shouldn’t go to the wedding and stay away from her otherwise.

I hope you feel better, I do. And I hope other members answer you. If this post didn’t cause you to feel bad, please post more, and I will be careful not to read like I am blaming you for anything.

anita

Anxious Irish,

From someone who can be a bit demanding and tough at work, reading that made me realize I might intimidate people I work with. Why I do it? I like the job well done, and I don’t like slackers. I also work with even tougher people, and why they choose to single people out & bully those specific people, its because they feel that they can and that they can get away with it. Why she’s doing it? I don’t know her but to be honest she sounds like she has a lot of issues and insecurities herself. For her caring why she wasn’t invited to the hen party. Anxious irish, trust me when I tell you this, this chick honestly sounds more anxious and insecure than you. If it was me, why would i give a shit if i was or wasnt invited to party. This chick, cares so much.

Now what I think you should do. I am no therapist and this is probably not the zen advice that people would give.

But “fake it till you make it.” and “kill them with kindness” and “don’t forget humor”

First of all why she was invited to the wedding, people try to do the polite non confrontational thing and something that wouldn’t upset or cause a scene. No one wants that. So as many times as you keep thinking why she was invited, tell yourself who gives a shit. Fake it till you make it part, you go to that wedding, put on the nicest dress you have, get your hair done, have some drinks and stick to your friends that make you feel comfortable. Kill them with kindness – be minimal with her but polite, that is all. Do not acknowledge her more than that, & whatever she says, let her say it, and you know what your response will be? A freaking smile that is all. Keep smiling, keep drinking, and if the conversation gets too negative just say something like “we are here to dance not to talk, and go dance. ”

Stick to friends that make you feel comfortable, wear a dress that makes you feel pretty and wear some goddamn red lipstick. Also, pre-game, as in listen to your favorite music beforehand, something that makes you feel super light and super girly. Something that gets in touch with your feminine side. Everyone is self conscious about something, trust me, it really doesn’t matter how fat you are or how ugly you think you are, honestly, what shines especially in these situations, is how comfortable you are underneath your skin, and you can fake that until one day, it just becomes you. You have to realize how you perceive yourself, really is not what everyone else is perceiving and everyone else is thinking about their own shit. She is just being mean because she is unhappy, and sometimes people say things, that hurt other people but they don’t realize.  Anyway, don’t try to think of comebacks or shit like that, it will only escalate shit, just smile look pretty, and dance. That really is what will piss her off the most.

Dear Anxious Irish:

I am glad you are back to your thread. You are welcome. Having suffered from significant anxiety for decades myself,  I believe I understand yours.

Regarding the wedding, I second nto’s suggestion, “to down a couple of glasses of wine at the wedding”. Maybe one before you enter the venue (as long as you don’t drive under the influence, of course). Make this coming experience not as unpleasant as previous “big situations like this”, calm the anxiety and the frenzy.

Don’t expect to feel  wonderful during the wedding, like the “big party animals” you referred to, but aim at feeling better than you did before, in situations like this. I too  don’t like big parties and prefer my routine.

Regarding when to leave the party having to work the day after, I would say not too long after your usual bed time, so if you are in bed usually at 9 pm, leave the party at no longer than 10 pm… unless, surprisingly you are having a great time!

anita

Dear Anxious Irish:

No, you didn’t come across to me like “the Satan woman!”, but I still feel uncomfortable when someone expresses anger at me or if I imagine someone is angry at me. I wonder if it is possible to feel comfortable with someone’s anger. When observing animals, you can see that they don’t feel comfortable with another’s anger/ aggression, so I figure it is natural to not feel  comfortable with anger.

But I am less alarmed when sensing another’s anger recently, definitely, way less alarmed and not angry in return, like I used to feel.

“Is it OK NOT to like situations like this?”- of course it is okay. I don’t. When I think f the last two big parties I was in, I was surprised that I felt good, too  good for my comfort, that is, I was excited and didn’t feel comfortable with that much excitement. But unlike times before when I did things I regretted because of that excitement (ate too much, talked to much without a filter and then regretting saying too much to strangers!), I was in control of my behavior and that felt really good!

And yet, I do not crave the next big event, not at all. I like my routine, I don’t like changes, I like a regular bed time, and I am okay with that, why wouldn’t I be… it is not immoral or unethical to like routine and dislike changes!

“I think one of the reasons I force myself to go and put myself through so much is because I fear missing something and fear being forgotten”- my experience is being forgotten following big events. I observed it again and again, certain individuals putting so much efforts to be social and gracious in big events, and doing a good job at it- and yet such big events, parties, do  not lead to making friends. I have seen it again and again. After the big party, everyone is back to their lives until the next party, while nothing happens in between.

anita