Dear Alexandria:

I think that you want and need to express yourself authentically in the group setting, to be in the center of attention sometimes, to be heard.  I think that you suffer when you are in the shadow.

Your boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend took center stage her way. You need to take center stage (part of the time) but not her way, your way. Question is how can you do that without being confrontational. It would not have been appropriate, in the group setting during the trip, to tell her something like: you are kissing a** and you are babying your boyfriend!

But you can express yourself authentically otherwise. If you gave me a description of a short conversation that took place in the group, during the trip, she said/ he said run down, maybe I could come up with something, or you can.

anita

Dear Alexandria:

Today is exactly a month since you started this thread and your relationship is seven months going so far. I re-read a lot of your previous posts in other threads, looking for something, some new understanding. (I didn’t find any problem with your boyfriend, that is, reads like a decent guy).

Before I continue, can you elaborate on this sentence on the first page of this thread: “when I am far away from home for too long I get grumpy and uncomfortable”-

-can you tell me what about living at home makes you comfortable and what doesn’t?

anita

Dear Alexandria:

I suppose you have your own room, at your parent’s home, and you feel comfortable being  alone in your room. But the interactions with your parents, those are not comfortable. Will you tell me about the interactions with them, with your mother and your stepfather, what is uncomfortable there?

anita

Dear Alexandria:

You shared before: “I grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic family… it (sexual abuse by older children, family members) had started when I was very young and then on and off until I was 12… He (your boyfriend) asked why I didn’t tell anyone and so on. There is several reasons why I don’t choose to tell the members of my family… It started when I was 4 or 5.. my parents were still together so I was very young”.

For some reason or reasons you chose to not tell your mother about the sexual abuse during the whole 8 years it was taking place, on and off, and you still didn’t tell her or anyone else in your family (?)

Maybe you pay a high price for  your good relationship with your mother (“my mom and I have a good relationship”): you remaining quiet about that sexual abuse, and maybe about other things as well.

Maybe remaining quiet with your mother and with other family members brings you some calm at home, but outside your home, in other social situations, it brings you a lot of distress (“I have this worst anxiety socially, I feel like I can’t express or talk very well in groups”).

Maybe you want to be open too, like the brother’s girlfriend (“What sucks is she is a lot more of an open person than me”).

I don’t think you want to be open the ways she is open, but in your own ways. I think there are things that you need to say to your mother, maybe to your step father as well, at home, maybe elsewhere as well, to those family members who abused you.

When you finally do tell what you need to tell the people in your family, maybe then you will feel c0mfortable to express yourself elsewhere.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Alexandria:

If I understand correctly now, there were about 4 incidents of sexual abuse: the first happened when you were 5 or 6 when a child, a family member abused you during one day. Five or six years later,  two other children, family members, abused you sexually approximately 3 times over the course of half a year or a year.

You wrote that you want to think about my last post to you for a few days. I hope you do and I am looking forward to read from you again, when you are ready and willing.

anita

.

You are welcome, Alexandria. Till next time, take good care of yourself.

anita