Dec. 30, 2013
Binged on Bones and Castle videos online for the last two days and hardly ate anything. It’s a definite recurrent pattern in my life. Parents go to work, I stay home and watch TV with tunnel-vision. Nothing, not even eating and drinking, gets done. After I cut out TV in my life, there was Facebook, which I cut out twice as well. Then there was the iPad, which I gave away. Now it’s a simply my laptop. I can cut down on laptop usage by making the laptop less accessible, but how long will that work for?I thought about moving somewhere where I’d have no access to the internet at home, but that just seemed like such an expensive solution. When I was going to college, the motivation to graduate was enough for me, but now I don’t have that any more. I tried taking post-graduate school classes, but ended up just dropping those. I definitely need to meditate and feed myself more. When I do, things go well. It is very much like AA, where abstinence and HALT/ being mindful are key. I am tired today. I need to return to journaling by pen and paper, but I like sitting here on the laptop typing too. I don’t want or need electronics in my life. I know it’s more than the electronics. I know it is a deep-seated habit perhaps due to childhood abandonment issues. The key is to get good at self-care. Without self-care, all the other things I have in my life lack meaning, because I have to sustain my basic needs. I live so much in my head, it is hard to be present enough to remember the basics. I know that the number one way to cut relapse and binging time is self-forgiveness. Last time I binged for a week, it was Thanksgiving break. Two days is a little less, so I’d like to think that I am doing better. I see also that I am too reliant on other people to make daily decisions in my life. Many times, I default because I want company. I will watch a show or do research online while I eat to distract myself from the fact that I eat alone. I will turn on the computer to watch a show if a friend or family member cancels going somewhere with me and there goes my whole day. It is my default. I also use the computer when I am tired or anxious instead of taking a nap or meditating. Also, what is creepy is that I can cry about the things that happen in shows a hundred times easier than things that happen or do not happen in my personal life. I feel that I am often neglecting the people (including myself) and needs in personal life to watch shows online because I can feel the emotions of the fictitious characters more than I can my own. It’s not like I don’t have hobbies or a life of my own either…It’s just hard to remember I have that life and that I enjoy it. Two days. At least I am back in the present now and ready to enjoy life again.

What do you that’s helpful to you to cut back relapse time from your self-sabotaging habits?