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Ashamed at my online/offline behaviour…

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  • #226701
    AutumnGlow
    Participant

    Hi, this is my first ever post as I’ve only just joined. I’ve never told anyone about this, so here goes…

    Three years ago I joined a online social networking site. It wasn’t to meet anyone (I have a partner) but one where you share  stories, answer questions, post pictures, etc. Anyway I made a few friends both male and female but got extra close to a man I often chatted with. My own relationship was at an all time dip and I found him funny, easy to talk to and we even had cyber sex…it really wasn’t something I thought I’d ever do…but I did… things took a turn when he suggested one day that we  meet up…for sex…and I agreed…though goodness knows why!

    I feel embarrassed to say that I thought he actually liked me…it really wasn’t that good. I liked him but he wasn’t my thing.

    We corresponded on the site for about a month before he logged on less and less. I found myself very unsettled and wished I’d NEVER met him! I felt used by him and it hurt. I found my ego was damaged and at an all time low….and I’m embarrassed to say I still feel rubbish about myself. I’ve cried so many tears over a man who only ever wanted sex and I stupidly thought he wanted to get to know me.  I feel a fool and I know I really really need to get over this stupid one night stand… PLEASE please can anyone help me get these feelings out of my head….

    • This topic was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by tinybuddha.
    • This topic was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by AutumnGlow.
    #226779
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AutomnGlow:

    I do hope you feel better soon.

    It happens a whole lot that women want an emotional connection with a man while the man wants nothing but a sexual connection. I wish I understood this before. But sometimes a woman understand this, but her need for connection, for a hug, for understanding is so strong that she .. forgets what she knows.

    Was that the case in your experience, that you were desperate for that emotional connection at the time?

    anita

    #226787
    AutumnGlow
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much for replying.  Yes, I did want a connection and (at the time) felt I made a good one. I found him funny, intelligent and smart and I did very much enjoy the attention I was getting from him. I lavished in it, I looked forward to each day when we would get to connect…sometimes even twice a day. We even spoke over the telephone a couple of times. I cherished these times. When New Year was approaching we arranged to briefly wish one another ‘A Happy New Year’.

    Do you mind me asking if you yourself has experienced this also? The reason I ask is because you say ‘I Wish I understood this before’.

    I feel a fool that he’s probably never given me a second thought whilst I’m feeling like this.

    #227081
    AutumnGlow
    Participant

    Hi, Can anyone else relate? Please reply if you can or offer some support as I am struggling tonight. Thanks

    #227131
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AutumnGlow:

    Yes, I can relate, you are far from being alone in this. I am tired at this point and ready to get away from the computer but I wish you felt better, that other members responded to you. It is difficult for me to share about the topic, to elaborate on what I meant by wishing I understood before what I learned later. It is difficult for the same reason you titled your thread “Ashamed..”

    Shame is a difficult experience. What woman wants to talk about being used sexually when looking for love. The disappointment and humiliation is intense. I suppose you can figure what I mean in that statement after all. I hope to read more from you when I am back to the computer in about fifteen hours. Please be good  to yourself.

    anita

    #227491
    AutumnGlow
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you once again for replying. In all honesty I thought I may receive a bad response(s) to what I had posted. I mean, after all I knew what I was doing. I’m married, but I still did it and went ahead. I know I was wrong but I’m done with him it’s more about getting my head in the right place, I know I played a part but I feel guilt, shame, it’s NOT something I ever thought I’d do. I feel tainted, unbalanced and am disappointed in myself.

    During the day I work, my mind is busy, but when I’m back in the evening the feelings and emotion returns. I find sleeping hard and hate myself.

    I’m worried for myself, I’m sick of feeling like this.

    #227497
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AutumnGlow:

    I am not focused and will be away from the computer after this post for the next fifteen hours or so. Would you like to share about your marriage/ what was going on in your life before this “online/offline” happening?

    anita

    #227499
    AutumnGlow
    Participant

    My husband was (at that time)working long hours sometimes away from home. I know it’s no excuse but I did feel very lonely. I found the companionship online very comforting and I enjoyed talking and getting to know him. It’s only now I realise how stupid I was and I feel bad knowing my husband was working hard to get us extra money and I treated him the way I did. It plays on my mind…

    #227563
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello AutumnGlow,

    I’ve read most of the thread, and something that might help you cope with this is to accept that it happened, think about and understand why it happened and to be forgiving of yourself.

    I can relate too, and as Anita said, you are far from alone in this.

    I’ve learned from my own experience.  One thing that doesn’t help is to berate yourself for being human.  I’d also pay attention to your feelings of guilt (recognizing your husband was working hard to get extra money and you treating him the way you did) and your feeling of “how stupid you were.” These feelings are your conscience talking, and they also tell me that you value your husband and marriage and that you value yourself.  You recognize the guilt and why you feel guilty.  You recognize you were “stupid”, and why you acted on that.  (I am putting stupid in quotation marks because that is the word you used.  I wouldn’t be so harsh.)

    You blame your loneliness for your actions, and I would pay attention to this too.  Have you talked to your husband about your feelings of loneliness and what you need from him?  Is he responsive? When people say marriage is work, this is some of what they are talking about.  A good marriage doesn’t just happen.  It takes a lot of communication from both people, understanding what each of you needs and how to meet those needs.  And both parties being open and receptive to working things out.

    I would also urge you to take back the power you have within yourself.  This power will determine your thoughts and actions. It also puts the responsibility of your happiness on…you.  Your husband cannot be responsible for your happiness, but when you recognize you hold the key to your happiness, you are in the position of going to him and saying “I need this from you.”  And you go from there.

    I hope this helps.

    Airene

     

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Airene.
    #227611
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AutomnGlow:

    I like  Airene’s  response, and hope to read your answers to her questions.

    You wrote earlier, “I did very much enjoy the attention I was getting from him. I lavished in it, I looked forward to each day when we would get to connect”-

    Humans are social animals, we need to connect with others. We feel alive when we connect and dead when we are isolated for too long.

    Dogs are also social animals. Did you notice how they wag their tails when connecting with their owner, or people they know, or other friendly dogs? The wagging of their tail is that feeling alive. We are not different, we too feel alive when connecting, and dead when alone for too long.

    If your husband is a good man, if he is a loving man, and/ or is motivated to be loving to you, if I was you, I wouldn’t tell him what happened. It will hurt him. You know how it hurts you to know what happened, so no need to transfer this pain to him.

    It hurts you to know that you participated in what you did, and it has been hurting you for a long time. I think it is time to accept this pain as something you will have to live with. It is this very accepting that will lower the intensity of your pain. It will become a weaker kind of pain, a regret, but not your focus.

    Focus on improving your relationship with your husband. Connect with him. Make your  life about that, not about what happened when you felt dead inside and needed desperately to feel alive again. Learn from the experience and make better choices today and tomorrow. I think that you will forgive yourself as you make those better choices.

    We all made mistakes when we felt desperate and terribly lonely. Yes, I understand better as I type these very words. I can relate to that desperation. I do hope you forgive yourself and please do post anytime you’d like.

    anita

     

     

    #227635
    AutumnGlow
    Participant

    Dear Airene and Anita,

    I have read both your replies and you have no idea just how much better I feel.

    Airene, your comments about how I feel guilty is spot on and I know I am worth more than how I have been feeling.

    I have spoken to my husband about my feelings of loneliness and he did/does continue to help with this. I still ‘get my days’ but nowadays it is more that I felt I could not move on. My head and heart were stuck in the past. Time had moved on….but I wasn’t moving with it.

    Anita, likewise your spot on about how I’m hurting. I am far more unforgiving with myself than anyone else. If this was a friend who had been telling me about how she was feeling, I’d tell her to forget and move on…we all make mistakes, but when it is yourself it’s so so much harder. I know what I did was wrong and certainly not one I’d do again.  I’m worth so much more but the job of forgiving myself and moving on has been incredibly difficult for me.  I did once post on another social networking site and the responses were just dreadful. I was looking to heal when all I got was abuse.  The shame intensified and so I closed my account.

    Thank you so much ladies for taking the time to reply to me. You’ve made me feel so much better and I’m looking forward to a restful sleep this evening.

    Should anyone else be going through/gone through same or similar and wants to chat please contact me on here and I will listen.  Thanks again, AutumnGlow

    #227641
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AutomnGlow:

    You are very welcome and I hope you have a restful sleep. Please feel free to post again, any day, any time. I would be glad to read from you and reply.

    anita

    #227737
    Airene
    Participant

    Hello AutumnGlow,

    Where you say this:

    “I still ‘get my days’ but nowadays it is more that I felt I could not move on. My head and heart were stuck in the past. Time had moved on….but I wasn’t moving with it.”

    Where you say you felt you could not move on…is this in relation to what happened with the online relationship, or with your husband.  Where you say your head and heart were stuck in the past…again, is this relative to your husband, or something else?

    The feeling of having someone pay attention to you is intoxicating, like a drug.  That kind of attention can be a light in a dark tunnel, it can be a fabulous dessert at the end of a boring meal.  I wonder….if your husband was giving you that kind of attention, would that fill your void the same way?

    You talk about how you would treat a friend in similar circumstances.  I’d treat yourself the same way.  Be forgiving, and each day say something to yourself along the lines of “I used to [______], but now I [_________].  That might help put the past in the past, and keep you focused on the here and now.

    Please post again to update us on how you’re doing.  Talking about what happened and what your feeling here can also help deflate the enormity of it in your mind.  Time will also do that, but talking it out helps move that along.

    Airene

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 6 months ago by Airene.
    #227793
    AutumnGlow
    Participant

    Hello

    In answer to your questions this was in relation to the relationship I had formed online. I was unable to move on from it. Some days were better than others but I went through feelings of regret, loss, sadness for what I had done, rejection (from ‘him’ online) he wasn’t logging on quite as much and this made me feel used and discarded. Another time I logged on to find he was chatting with another woman in his circle. Now I’m not usually a jealous person, but I found it hard to bear. Although platonic (I believe) it left me feeling bad about myself. I found my emotions where all over the place and hard to understand. I eventually left the site but rejoined six weeks later to see if he was still there. I didn’t like the person I’d become…..

    My husband is a good man, he works hard and he didn’t deserve how I’d treated him. I’ve never told him what I’d done and I never will. I was overwhelmed and left confused by it all.

    I do hope I’m making sense. If this was someone else writing it with me reading I’d be worried about them.

    I slept well last night. Coming on here talking and being totally honest has been a very positive step.

    Thanks for listening x

     

    #227799
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear AutumnGlow:

    You felt so much better yesterday, almost willing to put this away, file it away and move on with some peace of mind. Did answering the questions above put you back somewhat, back to where you were before?

    anita

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