I met my first boyfriend in college through mutual friends. We socialized in the same circle and I had a massive crush on him for almost two years until, finally, he seemed to notice me and we started dating. It wasn’t always perfect, and there were plenty of red flags, but I still fell for him. He was my first kiss, sexual partner, and the first person I shared serious emotional intimacy with.

The relationship lasted only a few months. Towards the end I was in a state of complete and total panic, worrying about what I would do if he broke up with me. My fears came true and he broke up with me days before my birthday. I was a total wreck for months. I got rid of all of the things that reminded me of him, stopped all communication and started using alcohol and drugs to cope. In addition to losing him, I felt I lost the group of people that we shared mutual friends in (they were the first group of friends I’d ever had in my life)

He tried to get back together with me twice after the breakup, but I was too heartbroken, hurt, and prideful to let him back into my life. Two years passed and I had a maintained a loose relationship with the group of friends we shared. I was invited to go on a trip with them, and he would be there too. Trying to be spontaneous and break away from my boring routine, I accepted the invitation. My feelings for him were still there, but quieter. I was not shattered like I had been.

During the trip, I discovered I had to share a room with him and another girl I don’t know very well. On the third day we were there, she casually mentioned that she and my ex had slept together a few months ago. I felt like the air had been kicked out of me. I went off by myself and cried and got angry and got sad and felt like such an idiot for being 9 hours from home without a car, sharing a room with my ex boyfriend and his one night stand.

Somehow, in the midst of this emotional fragility, I confessed to him that I knew what had happened with the girl. He panicked and cried and said he’d made a huge mistake. We ended up getting physical and the pattern continued for the remainder of the trip. At the end of the trip, I told him it was over and that I was going to cut ties with him and the group. He seemed to understand but a few days after I got back home he sent me messages begging to see me and make it right. I felt confused and angry and incredibly hurt by him, but also the part of me that had loved him once wanted so badly to be healed. I hesitantly accepted the offer to see him and that led us to seeing each other for hookups. He would mention things about trying again and how he wanted to be with me, but I had little trust in him and placated his attempts to elevate our relationship. After a few weeks of this, my anxiety and depression would hit me in waves and I knew I needed to end it.

We aren’t right for each other. I think he’s shallow, and boring, and painfully self aware. I knew it wouldn’t work, and it didn’t. Mutually, we decided to end it. A month has passed since that happened with me floating in and out of sadness over the loss. I thought that after this second breakup there would be no way for him to hurt me again. But last night I heard from a mutual friend that he is seeing someone new (after not dating anyone since me two years ago) And that feeling of the air being knocked out of me returned and has remained.

So I ask for anyone’s advice, opinions or encouragement: Why is it that when I logically know I don’t like anything about his personality and he’s broken my heart countless times, I find the news of him being with someone new so soul crushing? How can I let him go? How do I mend my heart? How can I trust someone again?

Thank you for listening. Namaste.