April 24, 2019 at 8:22 am #290343
My baby daddy has been with me through out the whole pregnancy, but when i gave birth he never came to see his baby, i got angry and said words i cant take back then wr broke up.
Again i tried to reach out to him because it was hard for me that my baby has no daddy in his life, then when i do, his gf insulted me , we exchanged words and i ended up saying bad things about his late mother, i said that at least im not like her who cheated on her husband and got pregnant then did illegal arbotion then die, i said this after his gf called me a bitch with a fatherless baby, bastard child.
I got so furious and i know i am impulsive but i regret saying that and i know he won’t forgive me. I even have nightmares of my future husband leaving me for another woman.
When i am with others i am energetic and forget about this for a moment, but when i am alone i feel sad, guilty, angry at myself, i feel depressed.
I tried to reach out to him after my son turned 1 but he gave his gf a phone to insult me again, this time i didn’t say any hurtful words, i just blocked him, because the messages she was sending me were getting to me, calling me desperate and all
And now i am never happy, i hate myself for running a chance for my baby to not be in his Father’s lifeApril 24, 2019 at 9:57 am #290379
His girlfriend called you “a b*^* with a fatherless baby, bastard child”, and you responded with: “at least I’m not like (his mother) who cheated on her husband and got pregnant and did illegal abortion then die”-
– in the other thread you wrote that you told him that he is just like his father. I don’t understand why you blamed him for his parents’ choices- he is not responsible for his parents’ choices.
I would say that you burned the bridges with your child’s biological father. Some words we say cannot be unsaid.
For a child, to have a father in his life, is not automatically or necessarily a good thing. I don’t know what kind of father he would have been, if he was in your child’s life. It can be better for a child to not have a father at all than to have a father who comes-and-goes, disappears from the child’s life for long periods of times and so forth.
I know of women who insisted and tried very hard to keep the father in their child’s life and it would have been better- for the child- to not have that father in their lives at all.
Be a good mother to your child. If a child has one good parent, that is more than what millions of children have living with two parents!
anitaApril 24, 2019 at 12:13 pm #290395
What family does he have other than the dead mother? Father? Siblings? Grandparents? Cousins? In-laws?
Make a point of visiting THEM, especially on the holidays. When he traipses into grandma’s house (probably without the girlfriend) he will see the whole family there cooing over his child. Then the finger wagging will begin! Your child WILL have the support of ALL his/her family!
If they live far away, Facebook his relatives and post pictures of HIS CHILD on their Wall. Often.
Is he on the birth certificate? I hope so. If not, court ordered DNA test!
Make sure he pays child support, since he is not too keen on seeing his baby. If he doesn’t, send in the police and lawyers to cart him off to jail and garnish his wages.
Later, when your child is a teenager, drop him/her off (unannounced) at his house (preferably for a summer or VERY long weekend). Be unavailable with a locked house. Force the father to interact with his own flesh and blood. This may not be fair to your kid, but at least they can never accuse you of keeping him/her from the dad. The kid may very well say, “He’s a loser. Now I know.”
P.S. You are so much more powerful than some girlfriend of his.
April 24, 2019 at 8:43 pm #291207
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by Inky.
I tried to explain the whole situation and exactly what i said i the first thread but when i submitted the post my phone froze so i thought it didn’t submit, and tried to keep it brief this time. Thank you for your reply , my baby daddy is not in his other children’s lives and his dad is alive but he hates his dad coz his elders blamed him for his mother’s death, i know he can never forgive me for this but, what steps should i take to forgive myself, to control my temper, and to think before i say something or act , it seems difficult to me.April 24, 2019 at 8:57 pm #291209
When i gave birth he never came and see his baby, so he is not in his birth certificate. While i was pregnant i used to visit his auntie’s home every weekend. He was unemployed by then but was on a learnership, his auntie never liked me, but i had the urge to see him every time so i forced coming to his aunt’s place
He used to go to clubs and i forced to go with him, though i didn’t like it, deep down i knew he didn’t love me , but i stayed because i didn’t want my baby to grow up without his father. But anyway we used to fight every time i tell him im tired i need to go home and rest (since i was pregnant), he would get angry that i made him leave the party early. This hurt me but i stayed, we would have sex and he would tell me to leave the next day, but its like i was addicted to him.
So about the DNA, when i gave birth , my mother reach out to his aunt and his aunt replied , i don’t know any baby, but she knew coz i was pregnant , he agreed that its his baby in front of her , but she became sarcastic in front of my mother and another thing is i don’t want to be desperate again, i rather let him go . Anita is right , my baby is better off without him
Thank you for your reply and advice inkyApril 25, 2019 at 6:34 am #291223
I agree, that your “baby is better off without him”.
You asked me: “what steps should I take to forgive myself, to control my temper, and to think before I say something or act, it seems difficult to me”-
– My answer: your impulsivity is a habit, a habit of the mind (you feel anger and certain thoughts occur to you) and a habit of behavior (you actually say certain words and do certain things). Habits are difficult to change, not just for you, but for everyone. But it is possible:
1. Recognize the anger and thoughts that occur (when the impulsivity is still in the stage of habit-of-the-mind), in other words, you notice that you are feeling anger and that you are thinking of saying or doing this or that.
2. Pause, stop for a moment, take a deep breath. Don’t automatically proceed to saying-and/or-doing something. Take another deep breath, maybe get up from where you are, walk a bit, drink water, maybe make yourself hot tea.
3. Once you are calm enough, re-think: what should I say or do now, or later, if anything, what will be beneficial for me to say or do? In other words, what should I say and do that will help me and my baby and not hurt me and my baby.
– for example, your baby’s bio father’s girlfriend:
– don’t talk to her at all, don’t contact her and don’t take her calls etc. Better not get into a war whenever possible. Aggression, physical, verbal is distressing, and unless our lives are really in danger, avoid aggression.
– let’s say you meet her in a supermarket, unplanned, and she calls you a name, what do you do? Notice what is happening: you are in a public place, a woman is angry at you and called you a name. You feel angry and maybe scared, maybe you are there with your baby.
You don’t want a physical fight- you don’t want to get injured, and you don’t want to get detained or arrested, these things will not be beneficial for you, so you don’t hit her and you don’t want to draw attention by yelling at her. But you don’t want to appear scared of her, submitting to her aggression by walking quietly away. So, you can call her a name back or tell her to shut up, say it in a confident, strong voice, but not too loud while looking into her eyes with a serious, strong face. Then keep walking.
But pay attention that she is not following you. If she does follow you or you are afraid that she is, ask for the supermarket security/ employee to walk you to your car, or call the police. If it gets to it, you can get a restraining order from court so to protect you.
Regarding forgiving yourself for having said in the past things you shouldn’t have- once you successfully change this habit of impulsivity, and you notice that you can trust yourself when angry and that you can and do act in ways that are beneficial to you, then you will forgive yourself because you did the hard work that it takes, over the long time that it takes, to change your behavior and you succeeded! That pride in yourself will give you what you need to forgive yourself.
(This is what it took for me to forgive myself for hurtful things I said and did).
I hope to read more from you today or at anytime in the future and will be glad to reply to you again.
anitaApril 25, 2019 at 11:27 am #291257
Thank you so much for taking your time to explain this to me in detail, you are a one in a million, i will start pausing when i feel anger coming, and i will think of what benefits me and my son before acting, thank you so much. If you like to add something. Don’t hesitate, it could help me alot.
PrudenceApril 25, 2019 at 12:01 pm #291267
You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation. I don’t have anything to add right now, but when you are next in a situation that you are about to act impulsively, you are welcome to pause and post right here, on your thread about the situation. I will be glad to read and reply and try to help you with the specifics of that situation.
*If I am not at the computer at the time, I will be in about 12- 18 hours from the time you post.