Ever since I confronted my mother about her abuse, she hasn’t wanted to have a conversation with me since. After that conversation, it was easier for me to move on and get over things. But now, she wants nothing to do with me. It’s one thing if I lived on my own, but I’m currently living with my parents. The other night at dinner I realized how estranged we all are. They sat as far away from me at the table as they could and refused to acknowledge or engage with me while we had dinner. I get treated like I’m not related to them. I am talked over, and ignored…I have wondered for a while why I’ve felt so nonexistent and invisible and realized that this could be why. This behavior is hurtful, but at this point, I’m so used to it, it’s become normal. I hardly see myself as a member of my family anymore, and I get the feeling that they don’t either.

I do communicate, I try to start polite conversations. I apologize when I do wrong. I give compliments when I feel it and want to be engaging. I say thank you. I do my best to be polite and civil; I’m a very nonconfrontational person so I make an effort to get along or peacefully share space.  I help out around the house and contribute, help if they need it. But living here causes me a lot of stress, it’s very uncomfortable to live with people who can’t stand you, don’t love you, offer support or interest, ignore your existence unless they want something or to talk at you, and don’t approve of you. My stress is at the point it’s affecting my physical health. I had a surgical procedure last month.

I’m trying to put together an exit plan, but with inflation and housing being so expensive, I haven’t been able to get solutions to find different housing. I’m working on this on my own. I don’t have friends, I don’t have a support network…I feel like I’m facing everything on my own. Which is what I’m used to but it makes things a lot harder. I’m isolated because I live in the country. I’m trying to heal and find ways to manage and cope with my PTSD, while also trying to find solutions to get to a healthier living environment.

Does anyone have any ideas? What are people doing these days for housing? As much as they hate me and hate having me here, it’s like they don’t want me to leave, either. Or be independent. I want to be independent. There is nothing I want more than to be as far away from here as I can be, and living my own life as my true self.