Hi everyone,

It’s nice to meet you all virtually! I have been following the conversations in here for a while and now comes my turn to post something of my own. It’s not a specific life or relationship ‘dilemma’ so to speak, just a little confusion I’m having in my mind right now around what constitutes intimacy and a healthy relationship.

It started with an excellent book recommendation from the lovely member The Ruminant (so thank you for that!) – back in one of her earlier posts she mentioned a book by Osho called ‘Intimacy’. I read this book over the last couple of days and found it very interesting, mainly because it challenged me to question my own relationship habits and values.

One argument in the book is that freedom is the ultimate value, even above love. This is in the sense of not clinging to another, maintaining the freedom to be oneself, completely open to the other. It also depreciates marriage as being a toxic arrangement which aims to bring ‘security’ to lives which by their very fabric are ‘insecure’, causing people to feel as though they are closed in to tight boundaries, thus creating tension and resentment.

Now, my main struggle with the book is the notion of dropping commitment in favour of individual freedom. I’ll try to contextualise this a little more so it doesn’t seem so woolly. I have been in a relationship with a younger guy for 6 months (I’m 27, he’s 23) – he truly brings out my inner child, we laugh together, have fun and lots of chemistry. But, he is a guy and he’s 23, and let’s just say he appreciates women! I knew this going into the relationship but as time goes on I am wondering whether I should force myself to give him more freedom, think about an open relationship or something? I know he feels deeply for me but he is open about the fact that he is attracted to other girls. He is a very open, confident guy and therefore is like a magnet for girls in general.

I trust that he wouldn’t cheat behind my back but still, when he says another woman is attractive or is having flirty text chat with a close female friend, I can’t help but flare up a little inside. Why is this? It’s like I want him to only find me attractive when of course there are countless others he will lust after!! Why can I not detach myself and feel calm and relaxed about having a relationship in which we are both free to do as we please? The thought of an open relationship makes me feel conflicted inside – I dont want to confine him into a tight space in our relationship but then again I also dont want to have to share the guy I care about and love so deeply. And the bigger question is whether I start rethinking the sanctity I had placed on marriage and a life long monogamous partnership with another. I guess I am pretty confused right now!!

If anyone has any practical advice about balancing the ‘freedom’ and ‘love’ values it would be warmly welcomed. I am the kind of girl who loves very deeply, I give give give (many times at the expense of my sanity/own happiness and security) – to the extent that most of my past partners have all said ‘thank you for making me a better person’ and ‘I’m sorry for messing you around’! I’m just not confident that I am able to switch off my feelings for someone to the point of indifference – i.e. ‘darling you be free to do what you want as our freedom comes above our love for each other’ – maybe I have misunderstood the theory of this but again, any insights or tips would be so valuable for me.

Thank you to all for your warmth.

Helen 🙂