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Becoming Fear-Less

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  • #109135
    Kirsty
    Participant

    For as far back as i can remember (7) ive been anxious, however back then i thought i was just shy. I’m about to turn 30 and am finally on my a personal journey to become Fear-less. i just want to explain a little about my journey so far, maybe some of you can relate to this and have come through the other side , maybe your at the beginning of your own journey and want to join me 🙂 whatever it may be here is my story

    Its taken me a long time to get to this point. When I was 16 i had my first serious bout of anxiety/depression, its all a bit of a blur really, i just remember feeling extremely overwhelmed with life in general. I went to see a mental health professional whose first advice was to put me on Valium…. this was before we had even spoke about the issues surrounding me that I think could of been worked out, talked through and overcome. Yet apparently the way society deals with a child struggling with depression and anxiety is to give you a pill and send you on your way! Now trust me i am not against medication (as you will soon read) but i do believe that more could of been done back then and maybe i wouldn’t still be feeling the way i do. i practiced meditation, took natural remedies, journalled alot and listened to music. eventually it passed

    i kind of autopiloted through life for a while after that, i was still anxious but i learned to live with it without going to far out of my comfort zone. I got my year 11 passing so i could enter college when i decided, i got a job, had friends and just kinda flowed along until i entered my first serious relationship. It was bad from the start, but i felt needed and that in turn made me feel strong and capable. 9 months into it all and i fell pregnant, my daughter has been my biggest blessing and a massive learning curve.After the birth i suffered extreme PND, my home life was terrible, my partner was constantly out drinking and using drugs, we never had any money and i was practically raising my first born by myself. It was hard, it was scary, alot of the time i had no idea what i wanted from the life i had made or how to end a relationship that was toxic.

    It took 5 years of an on and off relationship to finally break free, that was when i had my 2nd bout of depression and anxiety and boy was it a good one (bought on by a heavy nights drinking). I ended up moving in with my mum and she guided me along the road to recovery. Back to the doctor i went and this time he talked me through some things, i had hit such a low point that i was physically incapable of pulling myself up and begun a course of anti anxiety medication. It took a few weeks for the medication to do its job, i hated feeling spacey and considered giving them up but i went back to the dr he reassured me that it would get better and there was an adjustment period. so i stuck it out and started feeling better after 3-4 weeks.

    Finally i was on the mend! i saw a councilor for a little while and moved in on my own with my daughter, i felt more capable and started getting my life back on track. i got a job and become manager and my little girl started kindy. i still had anxiety but it was heaps more manageable than it ever was. 3 years i stayed single and did my own thing, had my ups and downs but generally life was good, it was during that time i met my now partner.

    We have been together for going on 4 years and i have another daughter who is now 1 1/2. i didn’t have PND and i was ecstatic.i started my beauty diploma, my own business, began playing netball (something i would never thought possible at 16), made some amazing new friends and started to really settle into life.

    This year though has been challenging, it began with some very deep and hurtful truths coming out in my relationship (things we are working on) but took their toll, my mum got sick and i kind of just never slowed down, i was go go go, pushing everything to the back of my mind up until 3 weeks ago. There it was the anxiety/ depression had caught up ( pushed again to the surface by a heavy nights drinking) hmmmm i see pattern here! i had full blown panic attacks for a full week, went back to the drs for help (again he tried to give me more meds which i declined) and a referral to see a psychiatrist (which i have decided to go with but will take 6 weeks to get into)

    This has led me here, to TinyBuddah, i always read the posts that pop up in my facebook feed and find the little quotes on google. im looking for like minded people, real people with experience and stories to share with me.The time has come to face this anxiety head on and blow it out of the water, to live healthily and more mindfully to be true and honest with myself, accept i have limits but also become stronger in facing my challenges.

    right now im reading a book on becoming more mindful, i start a 6 week program from the book very soon! and am waiting on my appointment to see the psych, ive been practicing belly breathing techniques, walking more, facing things that are causing anxiety even though id rather run faaar away lol and dealing with issues ive been putting aside. ive also stopped drinking! uggh i was never a big drinker, it was the binge drinking that knocks me on my ass, but obviously its not for me and need to really commit to stopping for good (one of my peer pressure issues).

    so please anybody with helpful insight or even your own story, please feel free to share and i look forward to hearing from you 🙂

    #109138
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kirstyd:

    I read your story with much interest. You started by stating that you are “finally on (your) personal journey to become Fear-less”- and that word caught my eye right away, it being in the title of your thread, “Fear-Less”-
    Can you tell me what it means to you, being Fear-Less: how does it feel, how do you imagine it will feel like, how would life be when you are Fear-Less?

    anita

    #109145
    Maria Mango
    Participant

    Hi Kristyd,

    Wow your journey is just incredible! You’ve overcome so much already! It seems like you really opened up and got yourself on the Path, but what people rarely tell you about the Path is that once you’re on it, the growth never stops and growth is painful. It often times seems like you are going in reverse, all these hard things seem to happen at once. But it’s like that old cliche goes: life only hands you the things it knows you can handle.

    So these things are opportunities for growth, which you know because you’ve embraced it and you are pro-actively working towards getting stronger. Congratulations on quitting drinking as well as stepping out there to take your mindfulness course, those are huge steps! Now as you move forward, you have to intensively question why you felt the need to binge drink as a result of peer pressure. Did you feel like you would miss out or that your friends wouldn’t like you anymore? Is there some underlying message you tell yourself as in “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t deserve to have healthy boundaries with my body”?

    Best advice I got when I was going through this kind of stuff was to journal and exercise. I quit smoking after quite some time and exercise, mostly running, helped a ton. It also helps mediate anxiety. Researching and cooking new foods helped, I actually made my own cookbook at the request of my very first therapist and boy did that focus my energy! Find things that bring you joy and start focusing on them. Get a good routine going, that always helps too!

    And keep posting here!

    Cheers and good luck,

    M

    #109164
    Danielle
    Participant

    Krisdty
    I feel like I have similar issues, since I was young I was always an anxious person and OCD. Not until I was 21 did I see someone when I started having bad panic attacks and turned to depression. I was put on Zoloft which helped after a few months and have now been on it for 9 years. I did get off once for 6 months and I relapsed and had to get back on, was horrible, but eventually after 3 months I felt myself again. The past few weeks ive been feeling very anxious again and obsessing about anxiety and scared I will go back to I where I once was. I cant stop thinking about it. Im scared my doctor may want to change medication… Im worried to try another and wondering if this is just something I need to work though… any advice?

    #109171
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear dbielawski: will you start your own thread? I would like to communicate with you there since this is someone else’s thread. If you click FORUMS then CATEGROY, choose a Category, click it, go down the page to the empty boxes: title and body of text. You can copy the above and paste it there.
    anita

    #109206
    Kirsty
    Participant

    Hi * anita, so to me becoming fear-less is a few things. I think ALOT, probably too much and i evaluate every single thought i have, i need a reason WHY i feel the way i do, so i think about it some more, why am i so anxious, why am i thinking all of the time..does it mean im loosing my mind?? im sure nobody else does this.. the list goes on.. rumination i think its called.

    I’ve been reading this book by Ruby Wax called “frazzled” and its explaining where these thoughts come from and my gosh i could spend my whole life digging until i got to the bottom but thats not what i need to do. Becoming Fear-less would mean that these thoughts could come into my mind but i could simple acknowledge them, accept them for what they are (just thoughts!) and carry on, becoming fear-less would mean i’m not afraid of how a thought could change my mood or make me feel a certain way because im in control of the whole process, this is what i need to learn , its tricky because its a learned habit and i need to unlearn it! I want to learn more about Cognitive behavioral therapy to do that.. all these things take commitment and i find that when i start feeling better after a low time i dont focus on working on all these things (another reason i joined Tiny Buddah MOTIVATION.

    Also im a creature of comfort which i dont like because i miss out on a lot, i want to adventure and explore the world Try new things. Becoming fear-less would mean i do the things i want to do embracing the nerves but not letting my anxiety rule my mind with “what ifs” Dont get me wrong i do go places but its just the feelings i have when i’m at the destination, whether that be a new place on holidays or trying a new hobby, i want to fully experience it without worrying, does that make sense?

    being fear-less would feeli like freedom, believing im capable, enjoying my life 100%, being present in the moment and accepting myself fully. I know life isnt always rosy, and im not aiming for that at all, my challenges teach me so much! i just hope i can glide through it all a little easier and with more confidence 🙂

    #109207
    Kirsty
    Participant

    Hey *Maria, thanks so much for your kind words and i would really like to try a recipe out of your cook book, you seem very passionate about it so i have no doubt the food would be amazing 🙂

    I think alot of the time why i end up steering off the path is for that reason, its hard and it can be painful, when i start feeling better its easier to just forget how i felt and leave it all behind instead of dealing with the issues and staying on track. I do alot of journalling but again when i feel better i cant bring myself to read through things, i feel embarrassed and weak for feeling so low when my life really isnt bad at all, im blessed with what i have and i feel kind of guilty for not being able to realize that in those times, this is another thing i need to confront, deal with and heal from. its just so easy to push it away when youre feeling better.

    For me the drinking is apart of me feeling accepted and belonging to society, i felt a bit like an outcast growing up as we were not bought up in the usual way.We were home schooled with no push from my parents into socializing, i didnt have many friends back then. so when i grew up i just wanted to be like everybody else. Also because i am quite shy in a larger group, drinking gives me that bit of courage, loosens me up a bit. I know its not good and the friends i have now wouldn’t care if i drank or not, its just my own thoughts about it, “well you cant have fun without drinking” which really i know is not true! and i have no desire to touch it when i feel blaah but then again, start feeling better and think i will just have one, which leads to two, three, four….. so i cant even control my limit. It does not affect me in a good way at all.

    I found that playing Netball has been great, but since my low period just gone i have missed a few games and felt very self conscious when i started back, i never played netball in my life so im still learning all the rules. I just need to keep at it and do my best. My partner likes to go out the track and run and i have been with him a few times and quite enjoyed it too, trying to build up my energy, so unfit lol! again i need to really believe i AM capable of it. I had a fainting fit a little while back when i was at the gym due to low iron and dehydration so since then i havent pushed myself super hard in case it happens again! eek this is my negative thinking pattern i have see!

    I still don think ive found my thing that i can totally immerse myself in and absolutely LOVE, i mean theres things i like to do and doing my beauty diploma is great but i want to find my passion… its a work in progress i think, im not very patient so probably rush through alot without really enjoying the task at hand.

    I will definitely keep posting in here and moving forward, Thanks again for your advice and well wishes x

    #109208
    Kirsty
    Participant

    Hey *dbielawski, i can completely sympathize with you as i have felt that way exactly many a time! I did notice when the depression fog clears you can think a little clearer about things and have a different perspective. At the moment i think you need to be kind to yourself and do what you need to do to start feeling better. If that means curling up in your pjs and watching movies for a day SO BE IT! im still learning this one. The world doesnt fall apart if we have a down day, its hard to shake the guilt though. I cant give you medical advice obviously because im not a dr, but in my own personal experience with medication, talk it through thoroughly with your dr or a councilor, google wasn’t very helpful for me as i just read all the bad side affects that scared me even more! I would never say to stop a medication when you are starting to feel better, not until all the underlying issues are resolved and theres a weaning process when you and your dr have decided its time to come of them.

    I take a medication called Lexapro which has worked wonders for me, i had a lot of help from my mum when i started these meds as she has dealt with mental illness her whole life and knows alot about them. im not keen to change my medication because they do help alot. When the most recent dr i saw prescribed me Prozac i went and spoke to the chemist about my concerns… he was really really helpful! and im glad i did because apparently you cannot take prozac and lexapro at the same time because they are in the same group. the pharmacist advised to up my lexapro by 5mg ( this was something i had discussed with the dr that put me on the lexapr in the first place, as the backup for if i did get PND) so i knew i could do it.. NEVER SELF MEDICATE.

    I can understand you would feel scared about changing meds because when you start them its not real nice and sometimes GPs dont explain this. Is there any chance you can go and see a Psychiatrist, they have the training to be able to prescibe meds after a thorough consult with you and how you are feeling? you can go and see a dr and ask for a refferal?

    also do you have somebody that can support you through all of this, its much easier when you have help from somebody!! And please feel free to chat to me if you need to vent! im quite happy to walk the journey with you.

    #109226
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kirstyd:
    I re-read and read all your posts on this thread. Here are my thoughts:

    The pattern: when you feel better you let go of your healing activities, push away the awareness of the anxiety still lurking under the surface, well this pattern is extremely common as we are all “creatures of comfort”- we simply avoid discomfort. When we feel good, why bother with anything that doesn’t? The long term approach of course, is the only approach that works long term. So you have to persist- through “good times” – with the healing and self care. Be aware, during better times that the anxiety is not gone. It is very much there and needs to be attended to.

    As one suffering from severe anxiety (OCD, Tourette Syndrome are the earliest manifestations of my anxiety), I incorrectly thought that healing would mean no longer being anxious, being completely free, as if flying in a clear sky in total bliss. Not so. Healing is takes way longer than I ever imagined (and I have dedicated five years to it as in daily hard work) and requires unbelievable patience and gentleness with oneself.

    The reason you think so much is because you are anxious: there is this excessive ongoing fear circulating in your brain. The part of the brain that Thinks is trying to find a solution to the problem causing the fear. It is looking for the danger: is it here? Is it there? That is the job of the thinking brain: solve the problem.

    This is why it is necessary to indeed solve the problem. But first need identify the problem: where did this excessive fear originate from, when? Psychotherapy with a competent therapist (mine used CBT and Mindfulness) can help you a lot in this regard, gaining insight. A good therapist will also teach skills such as meditation, mindfulness, and so forth- seems like you have those skills.

    If you’d like to discuss insight, I am willing. Let me know.

    anita

    #109274
    Kirsty
    Participant

    Hi *anita, i read you reply last night and have been thinking about what you said. I guess that when i start feeling better i don’t want to focus on anxiety any more because i don’t want it to run my life or define who i am, i feel i am in control when i am not struggling or having a panic attack…But then i thought a bit more about it (as i do) as you said “the anxiety is still lurking under the surface”

    I took notice of this, its there in the tightness i hold in my muscles, sometimes i don’t even realize im doing it until i relax and go oh wow i was so tense, how did i not feel that. I hold my breath, another thing i do without realizing! until i take a big in breath and think oh goodness how long was i holding my breath for? i kind of hold myself when i am in a situation im not comfortable, cross my arms, or hold them close to my body instead of just standing open.. my body language is closed in new situations. i will wear my sunnies on off days to avoid eye contact. lots of little things that even though i cant “feel the anxiety panic” im still anxious… I know that this is going to take some time to master and i know i need to keep motivated to practicing new routines and habits. I do think that one day though that i WILL be able to get on top of the out of control anxiety.. for this i set no time limit, only take each day as it comes.

    And yes Solve the problem , where did the xcessive fear come from, i am hoping the psychiatrist will offer some insight into this? and give me some guidance.I have some early childhood situations that i do think may have contributed to it, but im not sure how to fix it.

    I am willing to discuss insight for sure but i was wondering if you could tell me a bit about your story? what led you here?

    Kirsty

    #109290
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kirsty:

    Your observations about your anxiety when you are not aware of it, in less anxious times, is valuable to me. Very good observation, thank you.

    As far as insight, and my story- I shared a lot about my story on this website for over a year, it is all in record here, mass postings by me, really. I am here for my own healing as I shared many times before. Learning about me and learning about others (same thing, the more I learn about you, the more I learn about me and the other way). My hope in interactions here is a Win-Win: win for me and win for you. I am not a professional of any kind. I am not here as a therapist. I am here on a self help basis.

    anita

    #109350
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Fearless is a concept that I wish people would abandon. The only people who are truly fearless have organic mental illnesses or have had damage to the parts of the brain that control such things.

    Fear is a natural and necessary thing. Fear can help keep you safe from bad situations. It can also be bad and keep you from doing what you want.

    #109378
    Kirsty
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks again for the feed back. I will take some time to read though your posts. I have been focussing on my thread and navigating myself around the website trying to figure it all out 🙂

    All your posts have been really helpful I actually thought you may be apart of the team that runs the site. You seem to have a lot of knowledge behind you. I look toward to reading more about you.

    As I continue on my journey, I’m still reading my book and practicing mindfulness during every day activities, trying to immerse myself in the task at hand. It’s quite tricky, as my mind wanders to various other jobs but practice makes perfect. I’ve also been focusing more on my daughters, as in really listening to what they are explaining instead of saying “later” or “I’m busy” I also went out to a party and didn’t drink, nor feel like I wanted to, I enjoyed the night and felt good the next day.

    These are only small steps I know, but by starting small I’m trying to change my negative habits.

    #109380
    Kirsty
    Participant

    Hi Xenopus Tex,

    Thanks for your opinion, I understand what you’re saying. Let me explain what I meant by my title of the thread. When I say I want to be Fear-less I’m saying I don’t want to be afraid of what I’m feeling, as in my over anxious thinking.

    I don’t want to eliminate fear,anxiety or nervousness or any negative emotion because I know they guide me and help me grow, I just don’t want these feelings to stop me living my life to the fullest as they have been. Healthy fear is good, unhealthy fear of a situation or feeling that’s not dangerous is what I’m trying to overcome and be fear-less.

    I hope that makes sense.

    Kirsty

    #109381
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kirstyd:

    No, I am not at all part of the team that runs this site. I am very much a member here, just like you. And there is no requirement on my part that you read my past posts. There are so many, it will be a major undertaking. What I was trying to convey to you is that I was always authentic here, and I am not the same person I was a year ago. But all through all the factual info I shared about me, including my first name are correct. I treated this site as an opportunity to learn and heal and it is working for me. I hope it does for you too.

    I thought about your share about your anxiety from yesterday, and I realize, thanks to your share, that I am more anxious than I thought I was in the present. We can only compare what we experience by what we experienced before. So even though I am not that very anxious, I am anxious enough, more than I would like to be. This is something I learned over time: the more you work on something, the more you become aware of the MORE than needs to be attended to and worked on. This is why I call the patience required in this work Excruciating Patience.

    I also learned that there is no such thing as a Small Step when you heal, every step is as meaningful as long as it is a step you take on the healing path.

    anita

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