We both went to the same school and I’d seen him around for many months and yeah, I thought he was really attractive but that was it. But one day, something changed and I formed a huge crush on him and I messages him on fb and made small talk. At first I got no reply and started giving up, but suddenly one day, I got a reply and from there things got better. He was always really quiet and dint say much but I broke through his barrier and we became really good friends. (I was 15 at the time and he was 14). We always acknowledged each other in school with just a smile at first and none of our friends knew we actually knew each other (he was the ‘hot’ kid during high school, known as a ‘player’ and had a pretty bad rep with drugs and smoking too but everyone knew he was amazingly talented at music, while I was just know as a ‘friendly’ girl I guess. I did my homework and had my own bunch of friends, never really bothering with all the other stuff). As the years went on, we became closer and closer and I helped him stop the drugs and we hung out at school and we just became super close.

And all this time, my feelings for him became deeper and deeper. I had seen him through many girls and each time he got with a girl I’d feel hurt and jealous and I thought it would get easier as time went on, but it didn’t. Even now, when he has a new girlfriend, I feel extremely upset. He knows about my feelings for hi, but we don’t really talk about it, he told me that I became too much of a friend for him to ever consider dating and I don’t even wanna go out with him. He’s a great friend but I think if he was anything more to me, I’d get a lot more hurt than I already am.

I’m 18 now and as I look back, I wasted so many days crying over this boy. Some days were really bad. I did everything for him. I gave him my ALL. For every birthday, I made him something special but he never remembered mine. Sometimes I wonder if he actually cares about me or not or if I’m just someone he comes to when he needs me or he’s hurting or when he wants attention. I give him so much and I’d do anything for him but I know that he would always pick a girlfriend over me. I will never be at the top of his list, whereas he’s at the top of mine. I feel ashamed of myself sometimes. I know, as horrible as this sounds, that I will always put him at the top of my list, over myself, family and friends. I sound like a bitch but I’m being honest.

I don’t understand how one person could hurt me so much and yet mean the world to me. He has his moments where he’s an ass to me which is most of the time but its got a lot better but sometimes he can be a great friend and a great shoulder to cry on. I love talking to him when he’s in a good mood cause we joke around and it’s funny and he makes me smile. He says the sweetest things and we tend to do a lot of flirting but then sometimes, it’s like he doesn’t care at all. And I’m just left there with nothing and it sucks.

We are always advised to let go of people who are poison to us and who don’t make us feel good. But with him, I cannot decide. I’ve done it before, tried letting him go but I always come back and I feel like its impossible. Sometimes I feel like if I find someone else it will be better but then I’m scared that I may get hurt again. This entire thing with him has made me incredibly scared to ever fall in love again. He wasn’t even mine and yet I became a mess, what would happen if I actually had a boyfriend and he left me? Falling in love to me is scary cause its not a physical pain that just disappears after a few days. It’s an emotional pain and I’ve felt it and I don’t want to go through it again.

I’m done with highschool now of course, moved to a different country and starting college in July. Things are better cause I don’t see him but I miss him and would love to hang out with him and I’m going home next week and thought maybe I could see him but of course, he’s not interested. He recently got a new girlfriend and right now, she’s all that matters. He hardly every talks to me now and I feel stupid and hurt cause I know I don’t deserve this shit from him after all I’ve done for him. It makes me angry with myself that I gave so much away for a BOY when I could’ve used this effort for something more meaningful. He doesn’t care about me even though he says he does. I don’t believe him. I wish I could just say goodbye but I can’t leave. He relies on me too and I don’t want to just leave him like that. I can’t do that to him.

A friend advised me to slowly distance myself and I’m trying to do that but it’s hard. He’s become an amazing friend to me over the years and he knows me really well so I’m stuck. I’m really stuck. I would appreciate some advice! 🙂