Home→Forums→Relationships→Being in love = pain. Why?
- This topic has 16 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 4 years, 4 months ago by HoneyBlossom.
October 18, 2018 at 4:26 pm #231755
I don’t understand the way I am with men and how I got here. To explain very simply, when I am single, I am happy, independent and feel very strong. As soon as I start to have feelings for someone, I become weak, depend on them and don’t feel as though I can do anything without that person beside me. I spend all my time talking/thinking about them and basically have no life on my own.
I have been in 2 serious relationships where the above was very obvious. I, however, did not realise how bad this problem was, until I met a guy very recently who I started to fall in love with. Before I started to have feelings for him, I was so happy with him, we got on incredibly well, I went with the flow, I didn’t judge him and I simply enjoyed his presence. As soon as I started to have feelings for him, I noticed something dark inside me starting to grow… the same feeling as before!! I completely panicked and tried to cover it up, feeling ashamed. I started to believe he was lying to me when he said he cared about me, I saw all of his flaws magnified and a little voice inside my head was constantly feeding me negative chatter about him. But at the same time, I felt completely attached to him… as if I was completely helpless without him! Now that’s when I realised how deeply rooted this problem of mine is. It’s like a little demon inside of me that is brought back to life as soon as I have a chance at love.
I have purchased a book called ‘Women Who Love Too Much’ by Robin Norwood. I was very excited to find this book because the back of it (and a few pages that I read through) completely describes me! It talks about becoming ‘obsessed’ with a man instead of being in love, how nothing is ever too much trouble for our man (I would always do anything to make my partners happy, even sacrifice my own happiness), and how we (women who love too much) always try to change our partner and believe that it is possible. The only thing is that this book talks about the fact that women who come from difficult families (alcohol, drug abuse, parents fighting all the time) will eventually turn into a woman who loves too much. I cannot relate as I had a great childhood, therefore I am unsure where my problems come from. Please help!
RQOctober 18, 2018 at 10:54 pm #231809giaParticipant
I read Norwood’s book recently and also looked into codependency and codependent relationships. Unlike you, my tendency to engage in codependency has an identifiable cause in my childhood. I was wondering what you thought about the resonance you find with Norwood’s ideas stemming probably from the wider societal standards and/or your expectations about a woman’s role? (I also have that to consider in my behaviour).
GiaOctober 19, 2018 at 2:42 am #231835
I guess I did grow up in a family where taking care of men was the norm. My grandma’s always do all the cooking/chores for their man and for the men just sit around and not help out much. My mum (because of my grandparents) always jokes around when I make a good meal to say “now I can get married”. So in a way, I grew up seeing that with my grandparents, but not with my parents. My mum still does take care of my dad to some extent and cooks more, but it is because he works long hours to support the two of them as my mum works less.
RQOctober 19, 2018 at 8:30 am #231897AnonymousGuest
“when I am single, I am happy, independent and feel very strong. As soon as I start to have feelings for someone, I become weak… As soon as I started to have feelings for him, I noticed something dark inside me starting to grow… I started to believe he was lying to me when he said he cared about me… a little voice inside my head was constantly feeding me negative chatter about him. But at the same time, I felt completely attached to him.. as if I was completely helpless without him!.. It’s like a little demon inside of me that is brought back to life as soon as I have a chance at love…
(alcohol, drug abuse, parents fighting all the time).. I cannot relate as I had a great childhood”.
My understanding: when you are in a relationship with a man, as soon as you start feeling an emotional attachment to a man, your childhood experience gets activated. Even though there was no alcohol abuse in your childhood home, no drug abuse and your parents didn’t fight a lot, there was trouble in your childhood home, in the very relationships between you and one or both of your parents. You felt very dependent on your parents, all children do, but you also learned, as a child, that you can’t trust your parents. Maybe they didn’t tell you the truth and you knew it.
But as children do, you closed your eyes best you can to what didn’t make sense in your home. What you closed your eyes to awakens when you experience emotional attachment to a man.
anitaOctober 20, 2018 at 12:13 pm #232283
I see your point and I have thought about this myself before – “maybe I am just in denial”. I just have no idea how to try and understand what happened in the past when I have no memory of it.
How do I overcome this problem of mine? I feel like I have such deep trust issues and I’m so scared of being disappointed again, I have no idea how I could ever feel any other way.
RoseQOctober 20, 2018 at 10:08 pm #232319anxie1yParticipant
Being independent and feeling weak when you’re in a relationship is two different things. let’s breakdown.
Feeling happy when you’re single probably because you do not need to feel & worry like “someone is lying you”, but deep down, your core, the foundation that you built over year, you’re still extremely insecure when it comes to having a relationship.
2. Feeling Weak
As mentioned previously, deep down you still feel insecure. That’s why you will always suspect or falsely accuse your partner lying you on something. This is something that reflected your childhood, adolescence or adulthood’s growth. Probably because you have been cheated on the last relationship you had or somewhere in the journey in your growth your perspective towards “trust” skewed by bad things that happened to you. And you’re lacking of life goals, and when there is no goal to strive, and when you meet someone you love , you put your goals on your partner. And subsequently, this happens to you “I felt completely attached to him… as if I was completely helpless without him!”
Life goal by definition I mean; Hobby, Friends, Family, Career, relationship, social life; every of this piece plays an important role for our mental health. if you’re putting your partner that constitute 100% of your life goal, there’s where you can’t live without him.
To overcome your problem:
1. Reestablish your life, where you will have your focus on many areas; social life and etc.
2. Figure out why you can’t trust your partner. Is it because you afraid he cheat on you? If yes, go google why man cheats their partner.
3. Learn to distinguish what is the different between love, attachment, and lust. If your partner is on the “love” category, you’re good to go.
CheersOctober 20, 2018 at 11:15 pm #232323
I feel like this too. When I feel in love, I panic because I think the person couldnt really love me too. I alwsys fel like I love much more than anyone could ever love me.October 21, 2018 at 3:49 am #232347
Thank you for explaining this. I think you are completely right! I am still young and trying to find my ‘purpose’ I guess, and I realise that I often depend on others to hang out with me & make plans. When those plans fall apart, I feel a little disappointed because I’m not sure what to do on my own. It doesn’t feel so bad however, because they are just my friends – I am not in love with them so the feelings are not so intense.
I think you are right when you say I am insecure. It’s funny, because in the past I never thought of myself as an insecure person. However, all of this becomes so obvious when I am in a relationship and not able to trust my significant other. I do in fact have a lot of work to do. I am reading another book on self love and I am excited to start practicing self love.
Thank you again,
FruzsinaOctober 21, 2018 at 3:53 am #232349
Thank you for replying to my question. We feel exactly the same way!
Before even writing my topic, I found yours because it was very relatable to me. I found myself unable to give advice because we are both in a very similar situation feelings wise. Maybe both of us just need to take care of ourselves more, give love to ourselves and establish more of a life on our own.
I will be keeping updated with your topic – I wish you the best!!
FruzsinaOctober 21, 2018 at 8:21 am #232377AnonymousGuest
I was wondering, you wrote, “I did grow up in a family where taking care of men was the norm. My grandma’s always do all the cooking/ chores for their man and fort he men to just sit around and not help out much”- did your grandmother and mother also complained a lot to the men, or to you about doing all the chores while the men just sit there?
You asked me: “How do I overcome this problem of mine?”
My answer is based on this sentence: “Before I started to have feelings for him, I was so happy with him, we got on incredibly well, I went with the flow, I didn’t judge him and I simply enjoyed his presence. As soon as I started to have feelings for him, I noticed something dark inside me starting to grow… I completely panicked..”
Next time you feel that “something dark inside me starting to grow”, don’t panic. When you feel that something dark, going with the flow, unfortunately, is no longer an option for you. So you go slowly, paying attention and carefully choosing your words and actions. Going with the flow was easy and fun. But it is no longer possible. So gone for now is the fun and ease. It is instead work that will pay off in the long run. When you notice that you magnify the man’s fault (you mentioned doing that), for example, talk sense to yourself, think of his flaw in a realistic way and think about a similar flaw that you have.
Substituting distorted/ unbalanced thinking with correct, balanced thinking is a principle in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and you can exercise this principle in the context of your relationship, once that something dark appears.
anitaOctober 21, 2018 at 11:41 am #232415
That is truly great advice. I thought about doing something similar myself – you see, I ‘trained’ my mind when it comes to my own anxiety attacks, so I thought “why can’t I train my mind to get over this also”.
I think it sounds simpler than it is – It feels as though it could be so simple but when it comes to it and this dark feeling takes over, it feels very threatening. I will try and stay calm and work through my feelings in the future, and talk to my ‘monkey mind’.
Thank you Anita!
FruzsinaOctober 21, 2018 at 12:20 pm #232425AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. “I think it sounds simpler than it is”, you wrote. I think the difficult pat of this is having to do this and that simple thing again and again… and yet again, and persist when it doesn’t work, when we continue to feel badly, keep at it The patience required is incredibly difficult to practice.
I will be back to the computer in about fifteen hours and hope to read more from you by then.
anitaOctober 21, 2018 at 6:28 pm #232455
Big Hugs to you Fruzzsina. Im going through similar to you right now, but this time, is the first time I recall that I think Im actually dealing okay and feeling grounded again.
May I suggest googling “healing meditations for heart Chakra”. Im at work but will be back later. Its definitely helped me – very simple and fast healing exercise to do whenever you want and hrlps a lot of people
Also think about this – love is an action, not a feeling. X
October 21, 2018 at 9:40 pm #232471
- This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by HoneyBlossom.
- Fruzzsina, I dont know if you will relate to this, but in the current telationship, the sex is so powerful and I think for him also, there is an intense sexual attachment. Most of the panic I feel is related to knowing that unless there is real love in actions then in time, the sexual attachment will not sustain the relationship. Real love should be given to outselves as well as others. You are right about giving kindness to ourselves, and so we must get on with our own lives to meet our own needs so we can give genuine love on action to others.
I also need to accept that I am an emosyh, and a person who has always experienced intense emotions. Not everyone is like that, and even if they were, it might not necessarily be good for me to be in an intimate relationship with another petson like that. I probably be better with a person who is ay least a little less emotional. XOctober 23, 2018 at 4:22 pm #232815
You are right, I just need to stay persistent and not give into my old habits.