Dear Susy:

You felt that if you express how you feel, you will lose control, “no turning back”- I think you fear what a whole lot of us fear: the experience of our own emotions. Actually there is nothing anyone fear but this very thing: the experience of pain, physical, emotional.

It feels that this pain will be too great and we will fall apart, go crazy or die, irreversibly disintegrate into … dust and be blown in the wind. Is this what you mean?

If you were to express to this man how you feel, what will you tell him (you can practice here, relax best yu can and imagine you are talking to him… then type away whatever it is that comes to your mind and heart.

I will read and reply (when I am back to the computer, in a couple of hours or  so)

anita

Dear Susy:

This is a very nice note, very diplomatic. But why be so nice and diplomatic, or political. Why bother. Such diplomacy would fit two nations coming together in peace, to prevent war. Diplomacy in that context makes a whole lot of sense. But in this context, no use for  it.

I am not suggesting that you will be abusive towards him, expressing disrespect or that you create drama, being a drama queen, none of these things.

What I am suggesting is that you tell him honestly, authentically more of what you really feel. I would start with what you did start: “I felt hurt and awkward around you, being just friends” but I would continue with something like this (make it your words, of course, not mine): I really liked you, felt so close to you, we were intimate, it meant so much to me and I wanted more of it, with you, and then you tell me that you were naked with other woman. It hurt like hell!

What do you think?

anita

Dear Susy:

Excellent draft, I hope you send it, except the “usual self” mention, I wouldn’t commit to a “usual self” if I was you. If I remember correctly (page 1) he used the term  “usual self” didn’t he? If he did, no need to assume he knows your usual self or that there is such.

Yes, I would send him that one. It is you being true to yourself. I like that. If you send it to him, let me know his response, will you?

And post anytime.

(Your parents being diplomats, interesting. Diplomacy has its uses, in context. In a marriage, diplomacy-only makes a very dry, cold marriage, I imagine)

anita

Hi Susy,

Just want to say I think that’s the best result for both of you.

Best wishes

Peggy

Dear Susy:

Did you notice that in his “I’m sorry I hurt you so much in such a short period”- there is criticism of you? He was saying something like: you are too sensitive, you shouldn’t have been hurt so quickly!?

anita

Dear Susy,

It’s okay! I fully think everything happens for a good reason, no matter whether the thing that happens feels good or bad, and if anything this is a good learning experience for you! Definitely better to make sure people are over their exes before starting anything with them.

Hang in there, he very clearly cares for you and will most definitely miss you, so it may work out for you two either way. I just hope he’s able to find in himself whatever he’s missing, and then if you two do end up reconnecting, it’ll be off to a much better start that way!

Dear Susy:

I re-read your original post and I think that this guy that your thread is about is a very nice person, he does nice things like bringing you that mug and saying nice things but he is not an honest person. A nice person confuses people because.. he acts so nice, he says nice things… why of course, he must be a good person!

But it happens a whole lot that nice does not mean good or honest. You yourself suggested that he may have been acting during the visit with you when he stared at you “for hours and he was in tears when we had to say good bye”- the intensity of his expressed emotion didn’t fit what he told you later on, (paraphrased): I love you.. but I am missing something.. passion. I don’t feel enough passion for you.

But you saw that passion in him during his visit, so you commented, if he was faking it he deserves an Oscar.

After he told you that he didn’t feel enough passion for you, a few days later he told you that “he met his ex and they had a long talk and she initiated sex which ‘almost’ happened, but he was ‘physically incapable’.. and that he finally had his closure, but it also means he is not ready for a relationship like he wanted to”.

After he told you that he didn’t feel enough passion for you, it just so happened that he (accidently?) met his long-time married lover, and he didn’t initiate sex, so he claims, suggesting perhaps that he was .. in a relationship with you, sort of loyal to you.

But then, he tells you that he couldn’t perform sexually with her and that was his closure (How is that a closure???) – suggesting that he is now available for you, now that he had his closure.

But in the next sentence he tells you that his sexual incapability “also means he is not ready for a relationship like he wanted to”- what does it mean?

He talks from both sides of his mouth:

-when he told you that he lacks passion for you (suggesting it is a problem), he added “Maybe it is not a problem”.

-When he told you that he had closure with her (suggesting he is now available for you), he added that he is not ready for a relationship with you.

When you communicated to him how  you feel Aug 25 or 26, his response: “I’m very sorry… I’m sorry I hurt you so much in such a short period”- is he suggesting that it would have been okay to hurt you in a long period? I don’t think that is what he meant, I think that he meant, more likely, that what you and him had was a short fling and that he didn’t mean much by it.

In summary: I think he is insincere, dishonest, double talking man who makes it a point to sound and appear nice.

anita