Being myself while living with judgemental parent

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by DeeGee.

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February 8, 2017 at 5:59 am #127013
Erin
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I feel stifled living with my parents but I can’t really afford to move out unless I make a lot of sacrifices. There are many things I like about my situation right now, and the only thing I don’t like is that I don’t feel free to be myself and try new things.

As a child I learned to be ashamed of feeling “bad” or confusing feelings, I learned that by expressing these feelings I cause distress in others, I learned to be alone with my struggles, and to tense up and limit emotions (including joy – there’s vulnerability in joy). From traveling and a brief time in therapy (while I was living in another city), I had a taste of what it’s like to be accepted and to feel free. I unlearned some of that other stuff, to an extent.

Now that I’m living with my parents again (I’m single, in my twenties, and employed full-time at a job I like) I am still unwilling to risk doing anything that may allow me to be (emotionally) hurt by my mum. Even though I know she’s just another person with their own issues and opinions, I can’t seem to convince myself of that. I don’t think I even notice all the little ways I’m holding myself back (especially in the things that matter most to me) but I’ve seen little indicators: little things that aren’t important in themselves but make me realize that I don’t really know to what extent my decisions are affected by fear of being judged by mum.

I know it can be different, I’ve experienced it. I often feel better about this issue when I’m meditating. I do some thought records. I journal but try not to obsess. I’m taking a yoga class. But things like making friends or trying new hobbies seems like there’s a huge obstacle. Growing as a person seems impossible. Expressing gratitude to my friend over facebook seems like there’s a huge obstacle (that one’s easy, I’ll delete mum from facebook and she’s so computer un-savvy she won’t know the difference).

Has anyone else struggled with this? How did you free yourself?
- This topic was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by Erin.
February 8, 2017 at 6:26 am #127015

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Erin:

I can very much relate to having a disapproving, negatively critical mother. I understand why you don’t feel free to be yourself, living with her, and I understand you “still unwilling to risk doing anything that may allow me to be (emotionally) hurt by my mum. Even though I know she’s just another person with their own issues and opinions, I can’t seem to convince myself of that.”-

The reason for you not able to convince yourself that your mother is just another person, I believe, is that it is impossible for a child to see her mother as just another person. Really, there is no mental separation between the child and the mother. At one point, as an adult, you experienced the freedom and wellbeing of such a separation, but living with her again, you are back to the same child/ mother dynamics.

The negatively critical mother becomes our negatively critical Inner Critic. The Inner Critic is the mental representative of the mother. Living with her gives it more power and keeps you imprisoned in fear, too fearful to be yourself.

My long journey to be myself, to separate from my very disapproving mother started with my first competent psychotherapy six years ago, continued when I cut all contact with her two years after, and still ongoing, as the separation I need is not only from the person but from her mental representative in my brain (mind boggling, really).

anita

February 8, 2017 at 7:57 am #127026

Inky
Participant

Hi Erin,

This is why God created roommates. Find a likely apartment to rent and put an ad in for roommates. They could be good. They could be terrible. But they won’t be your mother. If you have any friends or family at all in a half hour radius of your job you could couch surf.

Your mom’s not a bad person in that I bet she has no idea that she is the way she is and that her very mind-set pushes you away. There’s nothing like being at our parents to turn us into half our age!

Make the huge sacrifices. Move out.

Good Luck!

Inky

February 8, 2017 at 4:23 pm #127068

Erin
Participant

What a supportive community this is! I hope you’re both having a good day today.

Anita – not only does your reply remind me that my experience is valid, but thank you for sharing your experience with me. I’m going to save this forum discussion on my computer for next time I need to be reminded that I’m not alone. I hope things are going well for you on your journey too.

Inky – thanks. I hadn’t thought of courchsurfing (I’m a little anxious around people, but that could be good for me). I could consider finding a sublet if I’m hesitant to commit to a twelve-month lease.

February 8, 2017 at 6:56 pm #127074

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Erin:

You are welcome and thank you for your good wishes on my ongoing journey. I will be glad to share more with you: post anytime here, and I will definitely reply.

anita

February 8, 2017 at 10:24 pm #127083

Newton
Participant

Erin, I have to agree with inky here. You need to move out, but most importantly, you need to move into a roommates situation. Getting a place by yourself might seem ideal, but trust me when I say there is nothing more rewarding than living with good roomies. You would have to be a pretty unique person to find fulfillment at your age living alone. You will miss the bustle of your current situation and living alone might seem like greener pastures. But you won’t be happy. On the other hand, checking out a house with 2 or 3 other people (that you should interview of course) can lead to one of the happiest times of your life. So much so that you might wish it never end. Here are the pros and cons. PROS: Your ability to grow will explode, guaranteed! With the right roomies, you will find you can’t wait to get home from work, just to see what your roomies are cooking for dinner! You will seriously enjoy the closeness that will inevitably happen. CONS: The wrong fit can be a drag (but not disastrous!) so it’s important to get your roommate interviewing skills down. don’t jump at the first opportunity, meet a few times first and check out several opportunities simultaneously. Try and find an established situation instead of trying to create one. In other words, look for a household with a few roomies looking for another. this way you can move out more easily if it doesn’t work out. Always opt for a trial period, like a month before agreeing to a commitment of like 6 months. Trials are good and will help you eventually flow into the perfect situation. Do this before you begin to resent your mother too much. Moving out will lead to a better relationship with your mum.

February 9, 2017 at 11:13 pm #127137

Nina Sakura
Participant

Dear Erin

I thought about your post for quite a while. I won’t say move out – rather I will say do it eventually when you feel comfortable. Not everyone can deal with that big a change so easily.

Baby steps would help though. The real problem appears to be your sense of powerlessness. Sometimes our parents indeed don’t see things the way we do and that’s okay.

That doesn’t mean we are not valuable and don’t have our own quirks.

Try to start seeing your mom’s comments as suggestions or recommendations which are advisory in nature. Some of them will come across as downright personal but then loved ones often tell us things we don’t want to hear. Some of it may be true and some of it may be a projection of their own insecurities. The real control is actually with you as you decide whether to take it or not. You have a full time job, your own identity.

Make a list of 10 things which you think will help you overcome your fear. Then write number on it to denote the least scary to most.

Slowly start doing them.

Nothing too radical though in terms of you must accomplish them quickly or the world ends. It could be anything from trying that new hobby at home for example to even moving out, have a country/state trip alone or with a group. Start with really basic things and work your way up.

Start getting in touch with your own self and see your mom less as mom when you were 10 and more as someone who cares. She can’t control or judge you unless you let her. Always remember the intention though and make your choice accordingly.

Regards
Nina

July 6, 2017 at 5:40 pm #156728
Erin
Participant
Hi I started this topic in February, and now it’s July and I want to update you lovely people.

I moved out. And I have no intention of moving back in.

I was going to do it for a few months, without high hopes. And, for whatever reason (summer, diet, daily walking, making an empowering change, or actually living away from my mum) it’s definitely made a difference! It surprised me when my anxiety level suddenly dropped off, and I’m more in touch with who I am. I started to take small upward-spiral-y steps towards reconnecting with friends. I took myself out to a concert where I felt a little shy and anxious at times but was ok with that and relaxed some.

I’m living with one to two other people, and we get along well. It was fully furnished, and has a nice view, and is a pleasant walk to work. I see my dad more often than my mum, but I go over to their house about once a week.

I still haven’t resolved my issue with my mum, but I feel I have created the space to grow and live fully, and I feel much less angry and resentful. (Newton you’re right, after moving out I am juuust starting/about to start to heal my relationship with her.) I don’t know if she’s ever had an experience of being allowed to be acceptable exactly as she is just by being human – for me that was a foreign and magical experience at the age of 24, and I was quite inspired by it.

Nina Sakura, I think I will try your list thing. Also, you are totally right that it’s a powerlessness thing, and it’s almost like “taking back my life for myself” is a theme that extends back at least five years. (“this is my fight song/take back my life song”)
- This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Erin.
July 7, 2017 at 6:20 am #156778

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Erin:

Welcome back to your thread and congratulations for moving out and for having no intention to move back in.

You wrote: “after moving out I am juuust starting/about to start to heal my relationship with her”-

My response to this quote: oh, oh… a pitfall here. I will explain:

A child falsely believes she is responsible for a judgmental parent …and if she corrects her faults, then her mother will approve of her. An adult child, most often, carries on this false belief.

It reads to me like now that you are feeling so much better, way less anxious, more hopeful, having made significant progress, that you believe that now, having corrected yourself, you can make your mother approve of you.

Your mother is still the same judgmental person that caused you to be “ashamed of feeling ‘bad’ or confusing feelings… to be alone with my struggles, and to tense up and limit emotions…unwilling to risk doing anything that may allow me to be (emotionally) hurt by my mum…” (in your February post). She has not changed, has she? She is not the one who moved out and made the changes you made. It is you who moved out, you… not her.

I believe that every effort you make “to heal (your) relationship with her” – however intoxicating the prospect, and however intoxicating it will feel for a moment here and there- will backfire at you and harm you. The result will be not that you heal your relationship with her (it was never harmed by you and cannot be healed by you!), but that you will make yourself sick.

Focus on your life, leave your relationship with your mother alone, in the past. Interact with her if you choose, but a healthy relationship- I would let that idea go.

anita

July 7, 2017 at 9:59 am #156848

DeeGee
Participant

I had a great response and then saw your update…lol!! Congratulations!! But, here are my 2 cents, anyway…

What a blessing it is to have that level of insight at such a young age!!

You’ve proven that you are a thinker capable of processing and deducing in order to fine solutions to complications. You are already on your way. You have already moved your mother out of your way. What you have left to do is to move yourself out of your way!

I told my grown son that there comes a time when the rules of one house no longer serve the lifestyles of all those under its roof. When that day comes for you, you’ll have some tough decisions to make. Before and during that “day,” you can either prepare to sit in discomfort until your lifestyle bends to follow the rules or you can prepare to make rules of your own that will protect you as you live your lifestyle elsewhere.

My friend, it sounds as if that “day” has come for you. The rules of that house no longer fit for you. It’s just growth and that comes with a little pain. You now have to chose which pain you can tolerate best.

Best of life to you!!!
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