July 6, 2013 at 4:12 am #38051LanaParticipant
Hi! Like so many other stories I found in here, I would like to know your opinion about my story.
I have worked with a guy for about 3 years and we’re always just colleagues. In December, he started his divorce and I ended a very bad relationship. We started being very good and close friends, just to support each other. We would text every night (about work, how we we’re doing, everything), we would go out for coffee, shopping, everything. After some of our dates, he would send me some text saying he liked our coffee, the company, we had to do it again, etc.
I began to think that he was sending some signs, but I was scared, because besides the fact that we work in the same team (he’s in the desk beside mine) I wasn’t sure if he had conscience of the signs, because his break up wasn’t easy, because his daughter. And he always said he didn’t believe in relations in the workplace.
Nothing ever happen between us, but our complicity just grow too much, until our colleagues think that we are actually a couple.
Last month he decided to start dating other girls, and told me that, but always saying that I was his best best friend, and had a special place in his life, and nobody would occupied that space. The strange thing, is that every time i said that I think a determined guy was cute, or even ask my girlfriends if they had male friends to date, he doesn’t like the conversation and changes the subject.
Finally in the beginning of June I sent him a message saying that I was confused and could have feelings for him stronger than friendship, but I respected that he didn’t feel the same and was even happy for him to be dating again. The only response I got was that he wouldn’t have this conversation with me, because I did know how important my friendship was for him, and he didn’t want anything to stop that.
Afther this we continued to be very good friends talking about everything and jut having fun in the office (we keep teasing each other every single hour).
Last week he told me he was dating a girl from our work, and that he wasn’t in love, but was a surprise this girl, they have a good time together. This girl was one that he always had some kind of physical attraction. But he says it’s not only sex, but is not in love or nothing of that kind, because he’s now cold in relations because of the divorce.
I was devastated, not because he’s dating, but because it’s some one of the office. My first reaction was to say that now everything was different, because we would be more distant. He got really mad with me, because I was a very important person in his life, and she had to understand that. She knows I’m he’s best friend, and nothing is going to change.
Every time I say I had a date, he always want to know if I had fun with the guy, and if I say I did, his immediate response is -“so the guy had “lucky” with you?”. And changes conversation immediately. He doesn’t like when I talk about my dates or other guys, not even in a funny talk with my friends.
We had some tickets to a concert, that I said that he should take her instead of me, but he refused, because it was an arrangement with me and he wan’t to go with me. Even a project of our own business, that we talk for several months, he doesn’t want her in, but me.
So we went to the concert and dinner this week, last week we went shopping together a toy’s for his kid and we keep our “picking” each other on the office. A lot of our co-workers think we are a couple, but we don’t care.
For me his a very important person in my life, a very good and close friend with whom I can talk about everything. And he’s always saying that I’m his best friend, and the only person he can talk about everything, a very special person in his life.
My question here is: did I read the signs wrong, assuming that in the beginning he wanted something more? And now, with this reaction, what should I think – is the relation with this girl (first relation after divorce and the first thing he said about it was that it was hot) for real? shouldn’t he be the first to accept my step way?
Please help me, because my friends all say that he is confused, and comfortable with me around, and that’s why he talks to me about his girlfriend, but if I say something about a date, he changes subject!
I never had feelings for a guy younger then me (his 30,I’m 34) and his a litle immature, maybe all this reactions are normal… 🙂
Thank YouJuly 6, 2013 at 6:27 am #38057MattParticipant
Divorce can be difficult and take some time to heal. I dated a few women who were ready and open far more than I was, even though I thought I was whole. Consider that he might need a friend, but dating and sex might be something that still conflicts in him. Give it time.
If you’re in pain because he refuses to talk about it, then the pain could be hurting the friendship. When you look at him, do you first see a friend that is confused about romantic love or do you see a man who is unwilling to go the next step with you? It makes a difference! He needs the friend, perhaps give him time and space. Love draws all things together, so if it can be, it will be. Don’t force it. That way, you’re growing your heart.
MattJuly 6, 2013 at 9:42 am #38062LanaParticipant
First thank you for your post 🙂
He stills in a lot of pain because the divorce and he’s the first to say that he doesn’t want any kind of serious relation right now. He like this girl, have fun with her, but he’s always making very clear to me that is not in love with her or considers a real relation – just a date.
I was sad that he didn’t talk about the message i sent,because if we are such good friends, he could be honest with me and say that he didn’t felt the same way I did.
I was really hurt in the past and is difficult for me to let somebody in, but with him, all happen naturally, and he says the same… when I look at him I still see confused signs, because in one way I see my best friend that’s always worried about me. Sometimes I see a man who have jealousy reactions when I play with other co-worker and he’s always making sure that I know is real feelings about the other girl, and every time I try to create some distance, he just doesn’t let me.
I decided to just let it flow. Now I don’t have any man in my life, but if someone appears I won’t let this feeling I have right now get in the way. It just all of yhis sometimes is very very confusing
LanaJuly 6, 2013 at 9:57 am #38065MattParticipant
You don’t seem confused to me. You can’t predict the future, which is different. :p He is the one who is sorting things out, and is giving tons of mixed signals. Instead of imagining “what do those signals mean for our future”, consider “what do mixed signals say about the man giving them.” He sounds like he is confused, and not sure what he wants, which will take time. From how you describe him, it doesn’t seem like he’s leading you on, rather is healing from a broken intimacy.
Just make sure to take opportunities to love if they come up, he might only ever be a friend… and you deserve someone who goes gaga for you! 🙂 Either way, you sound like a great friend and that is a precious gift you give to him. Well done!