I am writing because I seem to be a little confused and leery of my situation. In a nutshell, fell in love with my first husband again after not seeing or knowing about him for 40 years. We spoke about everything under the sun of my life and his life and that path it took, when he reached out to me on my birthday (he still remembered all this time). The immaturity of both of      us (since we married at 19 and 21) did not meet my fantasy expectations, and I dropped a letter on the table, left him 41 years ago, got a quick divorce and moved on without a thought of him, except for a deep guilt and ache over what I had done. I willfully forgot it and had moved on.

3 years ago  I was contacted and spoke with the first husband. We found the  deep love and NOW the maturity to take each other with gratitude, respect and absolute consideration and concern for each other, without one thought of “what about me?” in the relationship. Absolutely delightful, and more so….

We had determined that we needed to each get divorced and talked of the big problems of having been married to others for decades, and when would be the right time. He has been separated  for 3 years now and still unable to get final divorce and settlement of his assets to this day. Several times there has been an agreement in front of a judge, and then a day or two later, the  estranged spouse refuses to sign. All assets  are frozen under court order, and  he  is unable to leave the home that is paid for, 2 grown sons living there  with minimal house expenses, and  all liquid assets/properties are frozen until settled. The wife has moved out 3 years ago, living with a  best friend for free. He is unable to move, as there are no funds to move out, obtain his own car, and live in an apartment. Living paycheck to paycheck these days  No friends at this old age are agreeable with  helping and sharing their own homes, even after offering payment (rent) for a room. “The PuppetMaster” has been vindictive and refuses any contact, to try and settle the money, the house or the shared car. What an education! I found out that the courts cannot force a decision/settlement in a divorce. . With no small children to concern the courts, I have found out that this can drag on indefinitely until someone dies. (Her ultimate goal, I feel). I know of a similar couple that is still in litigation 11 years later.

I have my own issues, of being silent in my home faking it as best I can. I was hoping for him to get past this legal situation, and then I would start my own explosions.

Here is where I am a little unsettled. Due to his financial situation, I had thought that he should get his settlement (never thinking of even 3 years still ongoing), move to his own place, get a car and be free of the toxicity of that situation, before I started. This was the plan we had figured on. I will then have to bear the verbal abuse and mental manipulations of guilt and pity, having thrown away 37 years of marriage on my end. We both work, and I have a little more finances then he has right now.  I wanted the ability to be emotionally supported when the going got tough, and remember why I was doing this, in the middle of the night when all alone in an apartment or hotel at first. I feel this will be my situation also, as the vindictiveness of my spouse will probably be the same intensity and same financial blocks, though I have a little stash no one knows about.

We live over 5 hours apart (3 states apart) and I have gotten 2 different messages from my therapist. In prior discussions, it was… both get divorced, stay together and be happy as you want to be, for the rest of your short lives. Then, she says at a later appointment ” don’t implode your marriage yet, as he got no money and you (me) don’t want to be subsidizing no man anymore”.  When does money become the deciding factor in a relationship? As my therapist flippantly said,” Romance without Finance, becomes a Nuisance…..”. Does my wallet become the big issue here? I am torn on this…