Two weeks ago, my mom kicked me out for lying about seeing my boyfriend, B, and having him over at my dorm. She doesn’t trust him, and I’m feeling overwhelmed. I met B in May on Instagram when he was a junior and I was a senior. We quickly became close through our shared experiences of anxiety, autism, and family struggles. I’m Black, queer, and in college, while B is white, straight, and a high school senior. Despite not meeting in person initially, we connected deeply. I also learned that B knew my ex-therapist (Ex-T) and his son, a friend of B’s since childhood.

When I was 15, I was assigned Ex-T as a therapist due to struggles with suicidal thoughts and self-destructive behaviors. I made progress and stopped seeing him at 17, around the time my younger sister was diagnosed with cancer, and our family had to relocate. This will become important later.

I told B I liked him in October, and he said he felt the same. We agreed to wait a month before committing to ensure our feelings were genuine. The very next day, my sister was hospitalized. Talking to B helped me cope, but during that time, I made inappropriate jokes about killing B’s dad and his friend (Ex-T’s son). These were poorly timed jokes, but B didn’t seem to mind then.

The first significant issue occurred when I found out that Ex-T, his son, and his girlfriend were spreading rumors about me. B knew about this but didn’t tell me for weeks, and when he finally did, my mom was furious, accusing Ex-T of breaching confidentiality. I had no evidence, just B and the son’s word through screenshots. My mom assumed I was hiding something, and my aunt told me to end things with B. I confronted B, who explained that he hadn’t told me earlier because he didn’t believe the rumors and had defended me. I was upset but realized the real issue was Ex-T—an adult allegedly gossiping about his former teenage patient. I forgave B, and he promised to be more upfront with me. He offered to cut off the son and the girlfriend, but I told him not to because they’d been friends for so long, and I didn’t want to ruin his friendship. My mom and aunt, however, assumed I had ended things with B and planned to report Ex-T.

On November 1, my sister passed away, and I cried to B for support, asking him to stay with me. He did, helping me through the difficult weeks as I took time off school. However, things got complicated when I went to stay at my aunt’s house and disagreed with her. I wanted to play games with B, but she refused. When I half-heartedly vented to B about my aunt and how mean I thought she was being, he jokingly said, “Kill her,” quoting the jokes I had made about his dad and friend. I was furious and blew up at him for the poor timing of the joke, especially after my sister’s passing. B apologized, and I later realized he was quoting me, so I apologized for making those jokes first. I told him I didn’t want to joke like that anymore, and he promised not to.

After returning home, I sank into depression, resuming harmful behaviors that angered my mom. She continued talking to Ex-T about me, dismissing my concerns and blaming B for what happened. She made remarks about B, jokingly calling me a “pedophile” because of our 11-month age gap and making inappropriate jokes about him being “the r-word” due to him being autistic. I tried to ignore it since she was still in contact with Ex-T. One day, I lied about where I was going and went to see B at his school play. Ex-T was there since his son was also in the play and later told my mom, who confronted me about lying. I didn’t answer her.

I began spending more time at my dorm to avoid staying at home, and B visited me there. However, Ex-T’s son and girlfriend tracked his location and told Ex-T, who then told my mom. She called me, urious and said the school could threaten to withdraw my scholarship if my roommate reported me for having my boyfriend over, calling me manipulative and a liar. She told me not to return home, though things later cooled off. My mom became increasingly anti-white, saying B of valuing his “whiteness” over me and claiming he was no different from other “two-faced white people.” She also said it was only a matter of time before he did something undeniably racist or inexcusable.

B, who struggles with intrusive thoughts (which he takes medication every day for), admitted that he thinks of offensive/absurd hypotheticals in his head and told me some, none of which were too bad. B has friends of all sexualities, races, and genders and respects them all. He knows that I’m a heavy queer/POC advocate and is friends with my friends. He likes them and they him. He’s said several times he’s very anxious about saying something offensive and making people mad at him (especially me), but I reassured him. One day, when we were on the phone, he suddenly guffawed in horror. He said he had a really inappropriate, offensive thought, and I told him to tell me what it was. He refused and said I would get angry at him if I shared. He changed the subject twice, but I pushed him to share it anyway until he cracked, thinking he was joking, but seriously seemed concerned. I told him to tell me three times. He asked the hypothetical, “What if I were to kill every gay person on the entire planet?” I got furious at him and told him I was queer and what he said was homophobic. I asked for some space, and he gave it to me, apologizing.

Finally, today, before we started dating, B told me his mom’s boyfriend used to be “sorta racist” but had calmed down, and I dismissed it, given everything happening with my family. He said he had stopped his behavior and became a chill person. At the time, I dismissed it, but my mom wanted me to ensure that I wasn’t hanging out around racist people, given that she doesn’t trust white people as is, and today, I finally asked him what the “incident” was. According to my boyfriend, two years ago, when he was 15, his mom’s boyfriend used the “n-word” to describe someone he didn’t like. The mom yelled at the boyfriend over it, and when I asked B if he still does it, he said, “Not that he knows of,” and that was the only definitive example he has of him being racist. He said it was only that one time, but he said he didn’t want to justify a white guy saying that n-word, but I was still angry that he had described a racist person as a “chill guy,” regardless of how many times it was said.

I’m feeling torn. I love B, and he loves me. I stick with him through all the issues, but I’m scared of proving my mom right and being with someone who might hurt me. He has anxiety and is worried about unintentionally hurting me. I don’t want him to be afraid of me, but I’m also scared of being hurt. I’m at a loss for what to do.