Hello! I have a difficult situation and I need some help – I apologize in advance for the length!

Norah has been my best friend since 2009. It was a phenomenal run – we had a beautiful friendship for 8 years. There was a lot of laughter and we always helped each other through whatever valleys life threw at us. There was a lot of happiness. Now I just feel disposable, vulnerable, sad, and disregarded.

Last year, we moved to the same, new city a couple within a couple of months each other.

Prior to the move, she had invited me on a (company) paid vacation – telling me the days to take off and starting to work on plans. After she had moved to our new city (about 2 months later)… at a dinner party with other people, she uninvited me from the vacation in order to take another friend. Her rationale was that she would be seeing me more often than the other friend since we lived in the same city and her other friend did not. It felt like a dagger in gut, but I forgave her.

Over the rest of the year, there were many other cancelled plans, small lies/fibs that I caught her in (but didn’t call her on), and arguments over petty things. For example: my husband asked if he could be friends with a guy she had dated for 1 month (she broke up with him to get back with her ex for the 5^th time (not exaggerating that figure). She said yes and that she didn’t care if they became friends. However, when my husband pursued the friendship, the truth came out. She VERY much cared and did not want them to be friends. This was incredibly frustrating as I asked/verified multiple times that she was actually ok with them being friends (and each time she said she was 100% of with it). At this point, my husband and the 1-month ex had become good friends. Norah berated me about my husband’s friendship and essentially insinuated that I needed to keep him in line. In addition to a lot of passive aggressive, aggressive, and horrible things, Norah also said that we betrayed her she needed new friends. Despite constant encouragement, she refused to talk to my husband about her feelings directly. I was ready to walk away from the friendship – but she came back several weeks later and apologized for her behavior and for the things she had said.

We were back to (relative) normalcy with our friendship. Things were going well and we had an exciting trip planned for the end of the summer (a backpacking trip – for which we have been planning the details since late-spring/early-summer).

A couple of weeks ago, she told me that she had decided to opt-out of our plans. She gave me a standard excuse (which was/is a completely understandable reason), however, something in my gut told me that wasn’t the full story. I asked a couple of other questions and by her responses I knew she had only told me part of the truth. Specifically, I asked if she was making other plans for something similar with other people. She responded with “maybe, I’m not sure.”

As it turns out, I was correct. Three days before our conversation, she booked permit for a backpacking trip during the exact same time of the trip we had been planning and is going with a different group.

I was bummed that she wanted to opt-out of our trip. I was crushed when she indicated you might be doing a similar trip at the same time with other people. I am heart-broken that she decided to lie to me about it when I asked her directly if she was planning another trip. She doesn’t know that I know she lied or that she booked the other trip.

Norah and our friendship has been so very different since moving to the new city and I don’t know/understand why. Part of me wants to tell Norah that I’m aware of her other plans, her lie, and explain how deeply it hurts in hopes that she will give me an explanation. From past experience, I know this will be far from constructive – she will feel like she is being attacked and will get defensive, combative, and passive-aggressive.

I feel terrible and deeply upset at the thought of ending a 8-year friendship. Nonetheless, This past year has been extremely challenging and I feel like a disposable friend that ranks high on her It’s Ok to Disappoint Index. There is just too much hurt and I know I need to end this relationship.

Where I’m struggling is – we work at the same company… in the same department… and our desks are 20 feet apart.

We haven’t talked in nearly two weeks (beyond me saying hello/good morning when we cross paths and her muttering back something indecipherable). I’m not sure if she’s giving me the silent treatment (which she has done multiple times in the past) or if she feels like I am giving her the silent treatment. If it’s the latter, I feel like I should at least given an explanation. I’ve been on the receiving end and it’s something I never want to inflict on anyone.

I worry that the explanation will open a can of worms, a never-ending circular argument (for which she is known for – she rarely accepts or admits fault), and will turn in to something explosive and entirely unconstructive.

My two questions:

1. Do I just let this go and walk away or do I owe her an explanation?
2. Does it get better/easier over time?