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Birthday gifts!

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • July 28, 2018 at 10:19 am #219095
    Preston10
    Participant

    I just really need to let this out, it has destroyed me for the last few days.

    I’m in a long distance relationship we’re in our mid thirties and it has been working okay, we have our disagreements like everyone else but nothing severe. And my boyfriend just had his birthday, and I couldn’t be there to celebrate it with him so I thought I send him some surprises and I would make it up to him later.

    I sent him a birthday cake and a silly looking bear with a card stating how I missed him and loved him and that I couldn’t wait to be with him. And I thought it was fine until a few days ago he blurted out how he hated the gifts and that he is a man and not a fu***ng child. And I should think better when sending gifts. Right then and there he killed everything and I don’t even want to see him after that. It wasn’t meant as a childish gift it was just a cute gesture until I could give him something in person…but the way he expressed it and yelled at me just ruined my confidence.  He made it sound like there is something wrong with me. And I cannot forgive him…am I wrong?

    July 28, 2018 at 11:24 am #219159
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Preston

    In very simple terms what he did was mean and your reaction was a natural consequence of that. There is no wrong about it.

    The question though is – is there a part of you that wants to forgive him or thinks that you are wrong?

    July 28, 2018 at 12:14 pm #219161
    Preston10
    Participant

    The problem with forgiving is that he thinks there is nothing wrong with what he said, he was being honest and I should know how he hated stuffed toys…to be honest I had no idea because under our time together he never mentioned that. If I’d known I would not have ordered that gift, but it wasn’t meant as a childish gift just a token of my affection until we can be together.

    July 28, 2018 at 6:39 pm #219175
    Prash
    Participant

    Dear Preston,

    Thank you for your response. I assume that you have posted here to get another perspective on the situation you are in. And I hope some of these questions help you in that. If you are comfortable doing it, you can post it here or just go through it in your mind.

    How was this relationship otherwise been?

    Were there any incidents similar to this in the past? Situations in which he has chosen to ignore your expressions of affection.

    What exactly is – as you mentioned in your first post “destroying” you?

    Is it the unanswered confusion in your mind – why has he not been able to see your affection? Rather why is his focus on the stuffed toys?

    Why did he get that upset about the stuffed toy? It may be that he associates it with something else in his mind that is disturbing.

    Would you be willing to talk it out with him?

    Take care.

    Hope you are able to make peace with whatever decision you take.

    July 29, 2018 at 3:20 am #219201
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Preston:

    If he told you (or to another person, in your presence) before that he hates stuffed animals/ children toys and you sent him a stuffed bear for his birthday, I would understand his anger, it would be valid.

    If he didn’t tell you the above, and prior to his angry reaction he suffered an unfortunate head trauma, r an acute life distress, I would understand his reaction.

    If none of the above is true, and he indeed “thinks there is nothing wrong with what he said”, then if I was you, I would end that relationship.

    anita

     

     

    July 29, 2018 at 6:28 am #219231
    Preston10
    Participant

    Thank you for your responses and replies.

    I had no idea he didn’t like stuffed toys as I have sent him silly surprises before as he with me. So he made me feel quite bad, he yelled pretty much that I should know better and understand that he is a man, and not a fu***ng teenager.

    He has been under some stress due to his family as far as I know because he vented with me like I have with him. And I can understand people have bad days etc. but it doesn’t justify the things he said. He made me feel inadequate and stupid for buying him a small bear. And what destroyed me is that he doesn’t see the problem with what he said, even if he hated it he didn’t have to act like a complete moron. I don’t understand the big deal it was a small token until we could see each other as I had something planned for that, so I honestly feel a bit broken and confused. He hurted my feelings! And also when I explained that it wasn’t the actual birthday gift, it was coming later, he said I should plan better and not send shit like that!

    July 29, 2018 at 6:35 am #219233
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Preston:

    You are welcome. Well, the purpose of dating, one significant purpose is to get to know a person over time and changing circumstances. You just had a big lesson in getting to know him. He can be heartless and abusive and keep being that over time, keep at it.

    What are you planning to do next?

    anita

     

    July 29, 2018 at 6:43 am #219235
    Preston10
    Participant

    Honestly I am taking some to think about this relationship as I have explained to him.  I cannot just forgive him like that!

    July 29, 2018 at 6:49 am #219237
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Preston:

    If he told you he did wrong by you, told you what it is that he did wrong, tell you that in the future he will act differently (not taking his anger at others on you and mistreat you), then ask you to forgive him, then I would understand you considering forgiving him. But he did none of these, correct?

    If you persist in expressing to him your unhappiness with his behavior, and if he feels that you may end the relationship with you, he may try to … fake regret. Be aware.

    I assume you feel emotionally attached to him,  part of you not wanting the relationship to end. Watch that attachment, see to it that it doesn’t lead you to a relationship where you endure mistreatment. This stuffed bear related mistreatment may be just the beginning.

    anita

    July 29, 2018 at 6:56 am #219241
    Preston10
    Participant

    He was quite upset that I wanted to take time away from him, and I told him that if you want this relationship to actually have a chance you need to prove a lot, and genuinely be sorry. Because starting a massive temper tantrums over a stuffed bear, and think it is okay and not even feel remorseful, it’s beyond immature. And if he fakes it to be sorry well I am aware of it!

    July 29, 2018 at 7:06 am #219243
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Preston:

    His behavior is not an issue of maturity. Like you wrote, it is beyond immature, it is abusive. He felt angry at someone else, probably didn’t express it to that person, and unleashed it on you, following a thoughtful gift you sent him. This very behavior is abusive. What about next time he feels angry?

    I wrote to you earlier that if I was you I would end the relationship. If you don’t agree that it is a good idea at this point, next I say, if I was you I would no longer pressure him to “genuinely be sorry”. I wouldn’t initiate contact with him and when he does, I will tell him the truth, that I am still upset. But not elaborate, listen to what he says. If he ignores the issue, that is very telling. If he addresses the issue, listen to what he says. You can let me know what he says, if you would like my input.

    anita

    July 29, 2018 at 7:30 am #219249
    Preston10
    Participant

    Thanks for the reply, I will take your advice! And I will let you know how things play out!

    July 29, 2018 at 7:51 am #219253
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Preston. Looking forward to reading from you again.

    anita

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