Bit of advice please

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This topic has 7 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 5 months ago by B.

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May 4, 2014 at 10:09 pm #55808

B
Participant

Hi there,

I’m just after a bit of advice as my head is so hazy at the moment and unsure what to do.

Long story short I was with my gf for almost 1 year when I broke it off with her. There was major commitment issues from her side and trust issues from my side with a few things she had done during the time we were together. I still loved her very much as she did I, but i knew i had to call it off to let her be by herself and go on her own journey to figure things out for herself and what she really wanted.

4-5 months went by and we got in contact again, slowly started seeing eachother, taking things very slow. We obviously had big talks and had never stopped loving eachother.

In this time she had started seeing someone else. This guy infact works with her. She said she was lonely thats why she got into it with him. She told me this and told me she knows she has to end it with him with any chance of us moving forward, but it’s going to be hard as they work together and they are also best friends (were best friends before they got into something). She said he loves her, but she doesn’t love him.

Now i said cool you’re going to end it with him, i’ll be patient as it’s going to be tough at work etc may lose him as a friend. But she knows this all to well. I’ve been patient and it’s been over a month. We’ve seen eachother alot, it has got pretty serious, the i love you’s are back, alot of talk of wanting to spend our lives together, buying a house together. Everything you can think of that comes with falling in love with someone.

Now I and a couple of my friends i’ve spoken to have all said the same. If her feelings for me are exactly how she says they are, there would be no problem to end it with this guy right away, deal with the consequences and then her and I can finally start moving forward in the right direction. As i’ve told her and felt we cant fully 100% at the moment with him lingering around.

What i basically want to know is how patient is being too patient, or do i become a pushover? I feel i can’t be too pushy as i might lose her, but then again im in fear that i’ve fallen for her again, and i’m going to get hurt that she may not actually end it. Or how long do I give it?

I understand that this is a hard one to comment on, as it basically comes down to how long do i want to put up with it for. But sometimes others can say things that i can’t think of with having such a hazy head.

So any comments are welcome,

Cheers

May 5, 2014 at 4:48 am #55812

Lostabroad
Participant

I believe you should not listen to anyone else apart from yourself. Only you really know if you should and if you want to wait, to be patient. Why to listen to other people? No matter to those you know a lot, to those who know her a lot, or to those who don’t know you at all. There would be so many opinions as many people you ask.

You need to trust yourself, maybe your intuition. Calm down, relax, take an emotional holiday and then MAYBE you will realize what is best for you. No one can tell you act like this or like that.

And remember, no matter what you choose and how it will end up don’t think what would happen if you had done sth else.

May 5, 2014 at 7:52 am #55813

Angela D
Participant

Well you are right at the end of the day you must choose, and the longer you stay undecided the harder it can be to walk away we sometimes get comfortable in the moment until the reality of our situation come around again. Stop and realize the truth to your situation, but what and when will you decide that you must guard your heart but also be open to love from the right people. And I do not say that in a selfish way. I can only say this that actions speak louder than words and not to say she doesn’t care for you or anything like that but if her words don’t have any merit to them then how can you really rely on what she is telling you. I know for myself it wasn’t until I backed away from my last bf that I truly was able to see that his words were just that and I had to do what was best for me not what was best for us. As much as I tried to wait for him to get his stuff together it seems like it started to drain me and I developed resentment for allowing myself to put up with things I did not plan to deal with. Good things sound good but when they are backed up with actions then you don’t have to wonder how or when someone will come around. I say love her from a distance but don’t settle yourself for what you want when obviously she says she wants the same but how can she when she is still seeing someone else, don’t let her take advantage of the man she know you are and capable of being, you must also know your worth. Ask yourself why do you need to wait if its meant then it will be and if it is not meant then you didn’t lose out anyway. Your mind your intuition will not lie too you. What will you lose if you walk away now? what will you gain if you stay around? I want to leave you with this you can love someone and give them your all but we all have our own definitions of what Love really is and when you say I Love you and she says the same is the LOVE mutual or even truly understood. It seems to me she feels like she will be losing out on a friend and doesn’t want to walk away from what she has because she likes it or too afraid to put her own feelings first so that the both of you can move forward. I do not mean to misled you in anyway and you know her better than anyone in this forum so trust yourself and when people show you who they are believe them!!

May 5, 2014 at 8:57 am #55817

Inky
Participant

Oh my goodness, she has what most women secretly want but would never, ever admit: A Harem! I mean, what woman *wouldn’t* want two men pining over her?? For her, this is great!

I say, yes, love her, (as in feeling, not actively) AND ~ let her chase you. Don’t initiate any texts/calls/visits. And when she does call/text/see you, if she brings up the other guy’s name, end the date, text, or convo. abruptly. Then radio silence. Be “That Guy” ~ not too much of a jerk that she’ll never speak to you again, but enough of one that she’ll wonder what she did/said wrong. Go out with other girls so you, she, and your own subconscious doesn’t think she’s the only one out there..

The worse case scenario is she “chooses” the boyfriend. Good. Let her. But if you dump her first, YOU will be the one that got away. Ponder that, if you will.

When she’s alone and single you can revisit the whole situation. When she calls you. Protect your heart.

May 5, 2014 at 9:06 am #55818

Nicholas Caldwell
Participant

I have to agree with lnkrid. I was in this exact situation 2 years ago, except that it was with my ex-wife. I had never wanted the divorce; she “needed to figure things out.” We got to the exact point you are at – she was going to dump the guy and we were going to buy a house together. She did dump the guy — and then a month later ended things with me and went back to him because “we had too much history.”

Giving her space may give her time to figure things out — right now, you are providing the emotional support she is not getting from the other guy. If you are distant, she may realize what she is missing.

Another thing that helped me – make a list of pros and cons for staying with her/not staying with her. This helped me figure out exactly what I wanted.

May 5, 2014 at 1:40 pm #55845

Kelly
Participant

I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the timeline of your story. Was she “best friends” with this guy while you were together? Or are you saying that you broke up with her and then within that 4-5 months she became “best friends” with the guy and started dating him before you got back in touch with each other? To me, that seems pretty quick to establish a deliniation between when she was “best friends” with the guy to when they “started dating”. My perception would be that they developed a relationship through work which became personal and then romantic. I think hanging onto the “we were best friends first” thing is giving herself an excuse to drag this out. Especially when you say that it was commitment issues on her part that led to your breakup in the first place. Has she changed? It doesn’t seem that way based on what you’re saying. I agree with your friends – if her feelings are genuine, what’s the hold up? If she’s attached enough to the other guy whom she started dating just because she was “lonely” that she can’t let him go, I don’t understand how she could feel that strongly about you at the same time. You need to follow your own heart, but I would have a tough time trusting this woman.

May 5, 2014 at 6:09 pm #55851

B
Participant

First of all thank you for the replies. Ultimately I know it comes down to me. Just to answer a few questions that you guys have asked.

She was friends with this work mate before I came onto the scene. But I could see he always had a thing for her even when we were together. We broke up and yea within the 4-5 months they started seeing eachother.

She tells me the only reason why shes putting it off (And she agrees this is an easy way out) is that he’s currently looking for a new job & I guess is kinda hoping he gets it so she doesn’t have to face him on a day to day basis after she does it. And at the moment they’re doing projects together within the company, so ending it is going to make that very awkward. In which i understand, but it comes down to keeping this professional aswell. Yes it will be awkward but if this is something you want, and mean everything she says, it still should be no problem. I agree with what was said up further, that she probably is scared that she’s going to lose him as a friend, but she most likely is going to, and also I do think she is afraid to put her feelings first. I feel shes scared of hurting his feelings but in doing this, she’s hurting mine.

She has promised me it’ll be ended within 3 weeks. I guess now I have to suck it up for 3 weeks, love her from a distance and go from there. I’ve given the 3 weeks to myself and that’s it, if it’s not done by then I have to walk away and move on and let her know I won’t be sitting waiting. It’s gone on long enough.

The stuff she has said to me isn’t just your normal I love you’s like ive explained. It has involved both of our families and more, so it’s not stuff you just throw around willy nilly.

The trusting her you’re right is very hard at the moment. And it will continue to be like this until she does end it. I know that’ll be a weight off my shoulders, and even hers.

She’s told me she wished she never ever got in this situation with him, she would’ve never done it if she knew that we ever had another chance of getting back together. But she has, and that’s something she’s going to have to face if she does want us.

Thank you for your replies, as i’ve seen in them everyone basically agrees with, if she loves me, she should have no problem sorting this out asap. This is the bit im struggling to deal with. Like I said i’ve put a timeline on this, and she has promised. So 3 weeks (End of May) has promised it will be all sorted. Time will tell. For now loving from a distance, and not initiating contact or catchups!

Thanks you

May 19, 2014 at 8:27 pm #56613
B
Participant
UPDATE

Hey guys just an update on the situation. I’ve come to a new dilemma (Which i knew i was going to)

Long story short she ended up telling the workmate (guy was seeing/he thought they were together) that it wasn’t going to work out with them and that it cant go any further. (Now i understand she did it, but I thought her telling him the truth that her and I are back together wouldve been better as I feel he’s going to be persistant now with txting her outside of work). I told her that its basically me (Our relationship/future together) or it’s him and his friendship, i could never trust them two being friends after what has happened and while we’re together. She knows this but said it’s still sad she is losing a friend in this. Which i do understand but it’s not nice hearing that my from point of view that she’s sad, but shes gaining a relationship with me that she loves and a possible future together.

Her actions towards me are fine, she’s showing me love, shes saying all the right things, but it’s still not enough right now to get me over this trust hump.

So my dilemma is trust. I knew it was going to be all a long but I’m just wanting to know is there any tips or anything suggestions of trusting her. She knows she has to build my trust back up. She’s told me she’s not going to be in contact with him outside of work. In which he’s already began to txt her so i’m just taking her word on it at the moment, but I don’t want to keep pestering her about it as it’ll become toxic between us.

Thanks
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by B.
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