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Blaming myself/living in the past

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 days, 19 hours ago.

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  • #298607

    Luis
    Participant

    I am feeling really bad with myself lately. I recently got divorced. My ex dragged me and I didnt do much to speed it up and then she used that to her advantage to get more money. I tried to keep reliving the mediation day, blaming myself, my lawyer, the mediator. In the end, it’s done. I’d like to think that what I did was for the benefit of my kids, but now that she is living with someone else, I dont know. I dont want to hate the mother of my children. I also dont want to live in the past. This is torturing me. I can’t sleep well at times. It’s consuming. I know I need to move on, practice self-compassion. I just don’t know how to do it, and it is affecting my relationship with others, especially my kids and my new partner. Please help.

    #298629

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luis:

    I would like to understand better, therefore I ask: are your children living with your ex wife and her boyfriend? Or part of the time with her and her boyfriend and part time with you (and your partner)?

    What were the reasons for her divorcing you and how are the results unfair to you, financially and otherwise?

    anita

    #298659

    Luis
    Participant

    Anita – thank for your reply. We have shared custody, our 3 kids spend 50/50 with me and her. She now lives with her new girlfriend. Yes, that was also quite a change, to learn that your ex likes women. I don’t like to think she is a bad person, but my girlfriend tells me that I am/was too nice to her. We got divorced because we simply stopped loving each other. We were more roommates than anything else. She was supposed to draft the divorce papers but she never did. We had agreed that assets would be divided as of the day of the separation, but when the mediation came 2 years later, she asked for more alimony because if we would go to the judge, the judge would likely give her 50% of the assets as of the divorce date; my 401K had gone up, and my stock plan as well. I froze that mediation day and conceded. I keep replaying that day over and over in my head of what went wrong and what I could have done to not give her so much money. I am not in a terrible spot right now, but she has now paid off her house. I should have ask for a financial advisor help, and I know I am going to have tax debts too. So many things I could have prepared for, but I chose not to.

    I am not in a dire situation. I could be better. But there is nothing I can do at this moment. I want to move on. I need to move on. I need to forget to live in the past. But I struggle with it.

    #298665

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Luis:

    You are welcome. First comes to my mind as I read your second post is the serenity prayer (I am not religious but believe in the following words there): “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.-

    I am sure you can make a list of what you cannot change, including the higher alimony having been set. Maybe that alimony can be revisited in court and changed, if so  it will be one of the things that… can be changed.

    Maybe you should make a list of the things you cannot change, when you have the time and you are calm, maybe while listening to calm music, make that list and take your time doing so,  let the items on your list sink in.

    You can make this list on a piece of paper then post it here if you want, or you can type it here, and I will give you my thoughts about your list, and we can take it from there.

    anita

    #298727

    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Luis

    I know I need to move on, practice self-compassion. I just don’t know how to do it?

    Quite frankly you start by starting. That may sound trite however if your like me, you will spend a lot of time on how without actually doing.  Its great method of procrastination.  If I don’t know how, exactly how, I don’t have to start and better yet I get to stay grumpy.

    If I’m doing that, that usually means I haven’t allowed myself to fully mourn the loss yet.  Do you have someone that could help you possess everything your feeling?

    https://tinybuddha.com/blog/self-compassion-learning-to-be-nicer-to-ourselves/

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