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Blindsided and Lost

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  • #386202
    Lesley
    Participant

    Hello all,

    I just had a year and a half relationship end from what felt like out of the blue. I know that it wasn’t really from left field as things never work that way, but I can say I felt blindsided. I thought I had found my person finally at age 43. He was my first real relationship after my divorce. He was the first person I introduced my kid to. He was the first person I said I love you to after my ex husband. I felt pretty content with life. Even though we didn’t live together, we had a routine that felt solid. We never fought. We laughed a lot. He was in my world everyday and then he decides it’s all over. It’s been a vanishing. A death. I am having a hard time coping with this loss. Why would he never indicate that something was wrong or talk to me? I feel lost. I feel hopeless. I have been battling feelings of wanting to see him and knowing that no contact is best. Any advice would help me so.

    #386209
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lesley:

    You are experiencing some kind of a shock, is the way I see it, “a vanishing. A death” of a connection/ an attachment. It will take time to adjust to this loss.. after you accept the breakup. Seems like part of you wants to talk to him, to get an explanation and maybe reverse his choice to break up with you… ?

    anita

    #386210
    Lesley
    Participant

    I know it will reverse nothing honestly. He made up his mind without me or any of my input. He has not attempted to reach out. After initially showing upset and saying he was probably going to regret it, he turned cold the next day. Just said that the spark was gone and we needed to move on. That was the way a year and a half of what I saw as a good relationship ended. I have been searching for answers in my own mind. I know that closure can only really come from me, but that’s hard.

    #386212
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lesley:

    He wanted to make it easier for himself, so he stamped the 1.5 year relationship with the Spark-Gone=>Move-On stamp and turned away. Could be a pattern on his part: intimacy for too long scares him so he turns away from what scares him.

    He didn’t want to linger in indecision so he cut the cord quickly…?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by anita.
    #386215
    Lesley
    Participant

    Perhaps. He has done this before to others. Just decided that it wasn’t there and ended it. Or at least that is what he has told me. I protested a little and then just let it go. I have some of his things that I know he would want. I am thinking of just mailing them with no note and trying to be really done.

    #386216
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leslie:

    Better mail him his things with no note and be done with the relationship yourself. It will take you some time to adjust to this new reality of him not being in your life. I am sorry that it’s painful and that it will keep being painful for some time.. but not forever.

    * I will be away from the computer for a bit more than an hour.

    anita

    #386229
    Lesley
    Participant

    You are right. It’s just very sad and seemed unnecessary, but I know I can’t control it. Mail it back. Be done

    #386231
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Leslie:

    Yes, be done and post again anytime. It will take some time to be.. done-done.

    anita

    #386248
    Lesley
    Participant

    Thank you. Any tips for getting through this even without the answers?

    #386255
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lesley:

    You are welcome. I apologize, seems like I misspelled your name twice…

    A little summary of what you shared, paraphrased: you are a mother, divorced, 43. He was your first real relationship, the first man you said I-love-you to, and the first whom you introduced to your kids since your divorce. He was in your daily life, part of your daily routine..  and then he disappeared from your life and it felt/ feels like “a vanishing. A death”.

    Any tips for getting through this even without the answers?“-

    Yes: You wrote: “we had a routine that felt solid… He was in my world everyday“- develop a new solid daily routine to replace the one you lost, the one you had with him. Part of the loss that you feel (“this loss.. I feel lost”)- is the loss of that solid daily routine. Part of the “vanishing.. death” is the vanishing and death of that solid daily routine. So, replace it with another.

    In the new solid, daily routine include daily aerobic exercise like fast walking for 20 minutes or longer, or swimming, and maybe a yoga, or other group exercise (you can download youtubes): this will relieve you from physical stress.

    Include in your daily routine some form of emotional expression–  it will relieve you from the stress involved when our emotions are not expressed (repressed or suppressed), allowing painful emotions to move through you,  from the inside to the outside. It can be done through some form of art like drawing, painting, writing, etc. (doesn’t need to be of professional quality!)

    One way to see the word emotion is: e-motion, or energy-in-motion. When we don’t express strong emotions, what we do is pushing them down, depriving them from motion. To be emotionally healthy we have to allow our emotions the .. motion that is so essential to them.

    anita

    #386265
    Lesley
    Participant

    Those are all solid things for me to work towards. Thank you. Any advice on how to get the loop of replaying the relationship out of my mind and stop wondering why he did this?

    #386266
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lesley:

    You are welcome.

    Any advice on how to get the loop of replaying the relationship out of my mind and stop wondering why he did this?“-

    Let’s look at what happened and what he told you: “”initially showing upset and saying he was probably going to regret it“-  most often, you can’t trust the sincerity of a person initiating a breakup because he/ she wants to get the breakup over with as quickly and as easily as possible with no post- breakup problems, so they’ll say anything to make it happen.  Regarding him looking upset: his upset could have been about his fear of suffering possible post-breakup trouble, and not about being upset for not having you in his life anymore.

    He made up his mind without me or any of my input. He has not attempted to reach out.. he turned cold the next day. Just said that the spark was gone and we needed to move on“-

    – regardless of his deeper issues, a fear of commitment, discomfort with ongoing intimacy, etc., the fact is that .. he made up his mind. He said the spark is gone: believe him. Believe that indeed for him, the spark is gone, for whatever reason. It’s gone, he is done and is gone from your life.

    Visualize a heavy metal door. Every time you start ruminating about why he broke up with you, bring up in your mind the image of that heavy metal door being open.. and then close it tight, seeing the image of the closed door in your mind. Repeat as needed.

    anita

    #386346
    Lesley
    Participant

    I have been practicing some of what you have said. It does help so I want to thank you. For some reason, I had a very hard time not contacting him today and I don’t know why. Something was nagging at me.

    #386347
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Lesley:

    What was/ is nagging at you…?

    anita

    #386348
    Lesley
    Participant

    I am not sure. My gut just felt off and I wanted to reach out to him. An anxious feeling. I didn’t and I am not going to because I don’t think it would solve anything. I have been feeling fairly positive and then today. I just keep wondering if it was ever real.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 24 total)

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