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Boyfriend has a lot of deep issues..help!

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  • #111563
    marie
    Participant

    Hi guys,

    Wow there are so many forum posts here it makes me feel a bit relieved I am not the only one! I was wondering if you could help at all with any advice at all..I’ll try and keep this as short as pos!

    I met and fell deeply in love with a man while travelling and it was all so magical at the time I cancelled my plans to return home and finish uni. At the time I was going through some post stress trauma after a friend died and wasnt sleeping, he helped me through it all and i feel we have the most amazing connection. However as time went on he opened up to me about some deep family issues and a pretty crazy background, addicted to drugs and how all his family and friends disowned him for it. I have always accepted him regardless and tried to help him through his demons from the past as I have my own skeletons in my closet, we all do right? But we fight ALOT..for example one main fight.. he use to vape weed literally 6x times a day and naturally as his gf i started to get worried as he’s super intelligent, i was scared he was relying on it but when id reasure him he doesnt need it and lets just get high off nature he would get super angry and accuse me of treating him the same way his family did and how im wanting to “change” him. It would hurt a lot as I feel i was only coming from a place of love and constantly misunderstood. Its more the anger that I don’t know how to deal with.. as soon as he thinks im attacking him for anything he gets soo angry and nothing i say or do can calm him down. Thats just one of many insecurities he has which gets bought up and esculates into the biggest arguments where he yells and i cry and he doesnt listen, i cry more..you get the picture.

    The reason I am so conflicted is because apart from these moments (which do seem to happen alot lately) its like hes the perfect man and i am on a constant high with him. He’s a libra and super gentle natured, romantic, sweet and i know he cares for me alot. His mum who is really spiritual says she thinks we are meant to be together and has never seen him as happy as with me before. I know its worth it for the good times but is it really worth it for the bad times because they get really bad? hes also run off angry or yelled at me infront of my friends too. Then later he comes back and says the reason why he gets so angry is because he cares so much and is stubborn.

    Do you think we can work on our “demons” or insecurities together or is it more hurt than love?

    D x

    #111569
    Katie Barker-Dale
    Participant

    Hi Marie,
    I am currently in a very similar situation! Reading your post was a bit like reading a diary.. weird!
    I too am madly in love with my boyfriend, we have been together for 3 and a half years. He too smokes a lot of weed and always has done.. I have tried to accept that this is just who he is and tried to get past it, and he’s actually very lovely when he’s high! But I know that it creates other issues for him when he’s not high such as lack of motivation and paranoia.. so its a tough one.
    My boyfriend too gets angry when I try and help him cut down on weed and I too am only doing this through love! He also has issues with jealousy and is very possessive over me, I’m not sure where this comes from but its deep rooted insecurities for sure.
    Our relationship on the whole is a very healthy happy one, I’ve never been happier with a partner! But the arguments (like yours) get waaaaay out of hand and it has often made me question whether he is the one for me. The feeling I get when he’s angry is just the worst thing ever and I can’t bare it. I often wake up the next day and try and pretend it never happened to get back to the ‘happy’ us.. which of course isn’t healthy as its not resolving anything and these blow out arguments will keep occurring.

    What I have come to realise is that we will never work unless he realises and admits that he has a problem. I am currently trying to rally his friends and family around him to try and make him see that its his own issues that make him paranoid, jealous and angry and not me! He sometimes really believes that its me and its very difficult to make him see that its his own insecurities. So.. I think, unless you want a lifetime of these same problems occurring, your boyfriend needs to realise he has a problem, and that is the first step towards change. Unless he can do that, things will stay this way. And unfortunately, he has to do this himself.. us trying to make them see they have a problem only pushes them away and makes them angry and defensive. Its out of our control which is the saddest part.
    One word of advice, never feel like it is your responsibly or that its your fault that he is behaving like this. I know that sometimes you can question whether its you that makes him behave this way. It isn’t. Stay true to yourself and know that you are doing everything you can, the ball is in his court now if he wants to keep you.

    #111571
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi marie,

    You didn’t finish uni? Is that right? Not wise. It is a cliché, but True Love Can Wait.

    Also, If Something Is Too Good To Be True, etc.

    He gets to self destruct and act inappropriately. Then when you call him out on it he yells that you are just like his family (The people that have always loved him that are practicing Tough Love because they don’t know what else to do). And you justify this because we all have demons (but some are bigger than others, yes?).

    Tell him that you are calling him out on things BECAUSE you love him. If he wants to dump you one day to find an enabler, great. But it’s not true love.

    I think you should finish school, he should get therapy and conquer his addictions, then in a few years revisit each other as older, wiser people.

    I’m being a little tough because I’ve been there. I had dumped someone who sounds very similar to your BF. Sometimes people need “little hurts” in their life to clean up their act (addiction, behavior, etc.)

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Inky.
    #111575
    eightyHD
    Participant

    WOW Ladies,
    I felt as though you were talking about me. Ill share what i can and hopefully it will resonate with you.

    First off, i want to warn you that you are subconsciously absorbing all of their negativity, and love will run out as it did with my girlfriend.

    She was the only one that has shown me unconditional love, but everyone has a breaking point!
    I knew what I was doing was wrong, and made an unconscious CHOICE to hold onto the past, and I was destroying my relationship not even realizing it. I knew something needed to change because I didnt want to lose her, because she is the ONE.
    I begged her to stay, and what has helped me was changing my routine.

    I could go on for hours on what I did to break my habits. Break my endless loop.
    “Doing the same thing over and expecting a different result is insanity.”
    – Albert Einstein

    I made a conscious choice to make the change within my self. I was awake. I was self aware.
    Its been 1.5 years, and we’re still together, but now she has found her own issues and has awaken, and become self aware.

    Quit those sugary drinks, eat high quality foods, master your feminine/masculine energies, the words that are projected out from me needs to be projected back to me (i want trust from you, but I’ve learned to get it is to give it), EXCERCISE EVERYDAY!! (especially from 3pm to 6pm when my psychosis (anxiety) kicks in), and if I may suggest a book, “The Mastery of Love” Don Miguel Ruiz (THIS IS MY BIBLE!)

    If you need any more suggestions, please feel free to ask.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by eightyHD.
    #111638
    marie
    Participant

    Thanks so much everyone for the advice, it gives me a lot to think about!! Thats exactly how I feel +katiebd and it even gets the point where I get this side bought out of me i didnt even know i had! I’m naturally a HSP (highly sensitive person) so it doesn’t help at times but when he yells I can’t handle it and end up crying or saying horrible things back out of desperation for it to all stop. He says anger is a normal emotion and i just shouldn’t bring up topics that make him this angry. He comes back later and apologizes and kisses/hugs me and says I’m sorry, i promise i’m trying to change but yes it is starting to feel like a bit of a toxic cycle.

    +Inky I completed a diploma which helps but yes my plan was to go back and finish my degree. I’m a graphic designer so iv fortunately found just as much value in work experience (and cheaper!) but it is something i have wondered lately. Thanks I might have to do that 🙁

    +eightyhd that is really helpful thankyou, do you have any ideas how I Can encourage him to be more awakened or inward? I know it helps when we go surfing but he constantly works on his computer day and night its hard to pull him away, maybe staring at a screen for 18 hours contributes to it too.

    #111648
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    Your boyfriend is correct when he says anger is a normal emotion. Unfortunately, expressed abusively is very damaging to the targets of the abuse. When he yells at you, that is abusive. Over time, it hurts you, you walk on eggshells, living in fear of the next explosion. Will be a good idea if he attends psychotherapy, take anger management classes and such. So to control and manage the expressions of his anger.

    He told you how his family/ parents failed him, hurt him. If I was you, I wouldn’t get close to his parents, to his mother particularly, even though it felt good to you that she said he seems so happy with you. His mother is one reason why your boyfriend is suffering. Stand by him, take his side, not his mother’s.

    And above all, take your own side: being a target of abuse must not be an option for you. He must stop the yelling and control his anger while he heals the hurt and fear underneath, through competent psychotherapy.

    anita

    #111653
    marie
    Participant

    +anita thankyou for the advice. Do you know the best way of convincing him to see someone? when everythings calmed down he explains why he gets angry (hes a very black & white factual kinda guy) and that he promises to work on it but I don’t think he actually realizes how much it affects me. I see myself as a pretty gentle natured person and reasonable to talk to about anything so if he can just communicate his feelings calmly we wouldn’t have these arguments.

    Ahh sorry, I should’ve clarified about his mother..his parents are divorced and shes the one that is on his side, he has a very complicated relationship with his father and his whole side are the ones who disowned / hurt him when he needed him the most. I agree about supporting him no matter what though your right.

    Its so good to finally be able to get some clarity on it all, thanks!!!

    #111676
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    As the ” very black & white factual kinda guy” you wrote that he is, one way you can talk him into getting psychotherapy with a competent therapist is to tell him that Either he does Or you will have to end the relationship. This way you present to him a fact and you present it in a black and white way. And of course, you will have to follow, keep your word. If he doesn’t attend therapy and you stay with him, and you give him the same ultimatum again, that will no longer be a fact.

    Also, you can help him along in looking up a therapist for him yourself, make the appointment and attend the free consultation or first one or few sessions with your boyfriend. His angry outbursts is a couple issue and so starting therapy as Couple Therapy makes sense. The therapist can help him practice an argument right in the office without being abusive, teach him that skill. Also teach you how to communicate with him in the best way, not taking any abuse.

    anita

    #111753
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    Maybe weed is legal where you are, but not where I am. If drugs are found in an area you can control, you be considered as possessing them. Think about potential risks just on that.

    Also: the line that “he’s great, perfect, etc… When not drunk, high, etc”. Is a line I hear a lot in domestic violence.

    I suggest punting him and moving one.

    #111756
    Douglas McKee
    Participant

    Ninety-nine percent of the time when we have a problem, I truly believe we know what we should do. But we get into the craziest story telling contest with ourselves about why we shouldn’t, can’t, won’t, want to, or don’t want to, do something about it.

    Try this. It is a mental tool I developed called, “Your Best Friend.” It will help you cut through all the stories and get to the answer you are seeking.

    Imagine your best friend comes to you and you can see she is totally wrapped up in a huge drama. She proceeds to pour out her heart to you. Amazingly, her problem is exactly the same as yours and she wants your advice.

    You listen patiently. After all, this is your best friend in the whole world. You set aside all your own drama, problems, and thoughts and focus on her because you love her and want only what is truly best for her.

    Finally, she finishes and looks at you. “What should I do,” she asks. You sit quietly, thinking of all the things you could say. It doesn’t take too long before you know exactly what your advice to her must be. In your heart you truly believe this is what she needs to do because you can see that her future is at stake.

    Now, take your own advice.

    #112641
    marie
    Participant

    Thank you so much everyone for the advice! I have a friend staying with us at the moment so its been hard to get to the nitty gritty things but I am considering bringing up the therapy soon. I really don’t want to give up on us even though i know it hasnt exactly been healthy recently, also I like to thing love can get you through anything. He’s also stopped vaping and only seems to do it now when hes got alot of work on which says something..? But time will tell. I can only do so much. The best friend tool is such a good idea, thanks! 🙂

    #112655
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    You are welcome.

    You wrote in your last post: I like to thing love can get you through anything.”- I agree in that love can motivate your boyfriend to learn the skills he needs to express his anger effectively, non-abusively and then practice those skills with you. Hope he learns it in therapy with you (couple therapy) or otherwise.

    Do post again.

    anita

    #112833
    marie
    Participant

    +anita I have tried suggesting therapy to him and for both of us but he doesn’t understand how he hurts me or that he even has any problems. He says by me thinking he has problems I’m making myself out to be “perfect” and a hypocrite..or above him. He turns everything I say onto me and it becomes a blame game. He can’t swallow his pride and see that he has anger issues which affect our relationship.

    I feel he makes it all about weed – that I won’t accept him doing it and am trying to control him. But what its really about is how he reacts and deals with certain situations by getting angry. 2 days ago he was working so hard and vaping every day. I come up to him and gently say lets go to bed, you look tired..and high .. (which i couldve left out but i was just saying it how it was) then he gets defensive and said “well you were watching a movie while i have to work so what else would I do.” I knew where it was going to be directed so I gently told him i was off to bed and then somehow it esculates from there..he comes in and starts getting angry saying I’m trying to control him and treat him differently when he takes it and im a nasty person. I get upset and start crying then he shouts and it continues from there.. we have now broken up but I just feel so dissapointed and hurt. I really love this man..we share all the same interests, goals, passions, hes romantic and gentle natured most of the time and I do accept him through anything but I can’t keep being his punching bag 🙁 is this right? He always comes back later and says he’ll change and hes just stubborn and defensive but when will he change? When does this cycle end?

    And what is everyones views on weed (i am not anti it at all, I just feel like in this particular situation its used as escapism or a bad habbit)

    Sorry for the long vent. You can just ignore this if you like, I’m emotional and single now. haha.

    #112834
    marie
    Participant

    Also he said I’m going to end up depressed and alone 🙁 that i just want someone who does whatever I tell them or I can change. I know none of this is true but why does it hurt so much!

    #112847
    anita
    Participant

    Dear marie:

    You wrote: “I can’t keep being his punching bag”- and I am glad you wrote it. I support you in not being able or willing to be his punching bag.

    And so, for as long as you are his punching bag, a relationship with him is very unwise. It doesn’t matter how I view weed, how you view it, how your (hopefully, ex) boyfriend views weed-

    We should all view being a punching bag in a relationship as a bad thing… for the punching bag, definitely.

    The fact that you are depressed now without him, that needs to be dealt with- not by going back to being a punching bag. And it is not a positive that in between the punching bag incidents there are good moments.

    anita

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