I’ve dealt with some of the same issues with a partner of over thirty years. It’s not about the dancing, its about “validation.” The fact that the partner doesn’t care enough about you or that they don’t care what people do or say about you. It can be very painful and humiliating. I have told my partner I expect “more” but don’t expect them to validate that either. Dance. Teach us ALL how to dance. Dance in the streets. Dance in the library. If your partner doesn’t want to dance with you… DANCE.

It is horribly painful to realize that not everyone cares about your personal victories, especially the people that you think love you.

It doesn’t matter.

Take yourself out, buy a new pair of shoes, smile, and SHOUT – I DANCE.

Dear Wendy,
If I were you,I will see the situation as OK.

If I was your BF, and one of my friend has an issue with Dancing it is to him, Why should i start explain him,”oh no, you don’t understand../you see the point…/My GF likes it../… so on and so forth..”

I just IGNORE.

As long as me and my lover has no issues on Dancing, why should I even bother about others.
coming to listening to them on this.Well, not all the times ,we have meaningful discussions.Sometimes,friends talk silly,non-sense,… 🙂
In a situation like this,my thought process will be I know my friend is talking silly.I don’t need to make him understand that he is silly.But I will tell my GF ,to ignore silly talks.

-Lakshmi

You have to decide if your boyfriends job is to protect you. And that isn’t always about respect. If you want to find your inner-hero and your own voice maybe you don’t need a protector. It’s a very hard lesson. I had to get over the fact that my “better half” is not supposed to spend his life defending me, and that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. He is not supposed to be codependent, keep me locked in my past issues, patronize me, or protect me when he doesn’t want to.

All the confidence you want doesn’t come without having to face the fact that we all have “no” confidence. We all want everyone to like us. We all want hero’s and protectors.

We aren’t 3 and crossing the street. Growing up requires emotionally healthy relationships where we don’t don’t always get to “call out” the jerk who refuses to give us the respect we deserve.

I was stuck on an island in the Everglades for five days with my “better half.” I asked him if he would save me if the bad guys, alligators, or mosquitoes ate me alive. He said he didn’t know if could save me. He didn’t know if he could die for me… but he would try to do what he could.

Your better half did what he could, or thought he could, for whatever reason he chose.

We all have to choose if we still want to be with them. We got off the island. We lived. I learned I have to defend my life, it is MY duty, My responsibility, MY LIFE.

He’s not a prince in shining armor, I’m not some chick on a horse in a deodorant commercial.

He doesn’t respect me all the time, but he does love me. When I get tired of standing up for myself, he drives and I eat ice cream in the backseat of the car. Humble and tired.

I am old. I wish I would’ve loved him more before I got hurt and now all we do is argue about what I can’t do and I go to therapy to try to put my mental state back together like a jigsaw puzzle.

I am glad I “earned” his respect by not demanding his over the years. We wouldn’t still be together had I demanded that of both of us. You “both” pay a price for that kind of ritualized relationship. It’s not sustainable and there’s not enough love in the world to keep you together.

Relationships are based on forgiveness, truth, and caring.

You threw out a post about how horrible it is to feel betrayed when someone doesn’t stand up for you. Sometimes men are just too damn simple. Sometimes they just want to go watch football and eat pretzels. If his error was more than that — then you have to ask him if he’d die for you on an island in the Everglades.

And for all the folks I’m infuriating out there, I understand. It’s why i hardly ever reply to forum posts. And I promise to remain silent henceforth.

Dear Wendy:

You are welcome and thank you for your kind acknowledgment of my participation here.

You provided a couple more details in your last post: that you overhead about your bf’s friend’s negatively criticism of you dancing “in a big group gathering,” and that your boyfriend was “laughing along with him.”

This is unfortunate- indeed your boyfriend did not stick up for you (the title of your thread). Not only did he not stick up for you, he sided with his friend who acted against you by gossiping about your dancing (to a group of people).

There is incongruence, lack of integrity in your boyfriend’s behavior: on one hand he encouraged you to do what you love “regardless of what others say” and is ” super-aggressive and outspoken otherwise if he perceives even the slightest threat or judgement to his way of life” (original post) and on the other hand he sides with a person who is in affect threatening your way of life.

Hope you post again.

anita

Wendy,

Wow, what a lively form of artistic expression! Kudos! Curiously the more shy people are, the more repressed passion the’re hiding, and the bravest forms of expressions attract them.

It was interesting story yours as I myself found passion in (guess what) Swing dancing as a constructive outlet during a difficult period of time. Similar remarks from peers – so are you now a swinger? 🙂

Any dance is by nature an expression of our passion, music too, otherwise it would be boring. But there’s no place to compare with striptease… And as for most people, poor us with repressed sexuality. I bet those guys are no saints themselves. Do you remember in school boys teasing girls they like? In my opinion most of them don’t change with age in terms of expressing their admirations. Take it as a compliment and boost your confidence! Boys don’t think like our grandmothers and any comparison between erotics and you equals a compliment. Let your boyfriend worry about all the attention and curiosity from others towards you! Also, it’s very rare a boy directly put in words any admiration and tell you as he would’t like your confidence over him to raise too high. More likely, he would brag in front of their friends.