Home→Forums→Relationships→Boyfriend's mom said disrespectful things about me and my mom
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Valora.
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November 25, 2019 at 1:23 pm #324431
JasmineParticipantHi!
This is kind of a long story, but here goes…
So with Thanksgiving coming up later this week, my boyfriend and I have been trying to solidify our plans for where we’ll be, times we’ll be there, etc.
The initial plan was to have an earlier dinner around 4PM with my boyfriend’s family at his sister and her fiance’s new house, and then leave from there to go to my mom’s house for a later dinner at like 6PM . I decided that I would wake up Thursday morning and head to my mom’s house, to help her cook beforehand, then make my way back to my boyfriend’s sister’s house to eat with my boyfriend and his family. After that, we will both leave to go to my mom’s.
So fast forward to two weeks before Thanksgiving, my mom informs me that she is trying to get my uncle to come to Thanksgiving this year. Mind you, my uncle has severe autism and lives in an assisted living group home in New York City. If he were to come for Thanksgiving, he would need a caregiver to bring him. Due to the fact that New York is 2 hours away from where my mom lives, she said that she wanted to have dinner earlier to give my uncle and his caregiver time to get back to NYC after dinner.
She says dinner will now be around 4…the exact same time dinner is set to start with my boyfriend’s family. So, my boyfriend sends his mom and his sister a group text message letting them know that we will be late to dinner at his sister’s house, but that we will still be there after. His sister seemed to shrug it off, although she did say that my mom “sucks”. However, his mom gets extremely angry at this change in plans and starts saying things like “Crazy found out my time, so now she’s moving her’s up!” Basically she is calling my mom–who she’s never met, crazy. She also said things along the line of how my boyfriend has broken her heart and to “Enjoy Thanksgiving and every holiday with your new family”.
I’d like to point out that in the 7+ years my boyfriend and I have been dating, that he has NEVER spent Thanksgiving with my family, nor has he ever missed a Thanksgiving with his family. There was one year where he spent it with his family, and I spent it with mine. What really got to me was that his mom said “You deserve so much more in life…you should run now. I hope her and her family are worth it.” She also said more about my mom being crazy and how she wants no part of my mom in her life.
Now, my mom and I have had a lot of tension in our relationship in the past, and I’m sure my boyfriend has communicated that to his mom, but she still has never met her, and has no right to talk about her like that.
So this past Saturday, my mom let me know that my uncle won’t actually be able to make it to Thanksgiving because there is nobody who can bring him all this way. My boyfriend let his mom and his sister know this in the group message, and only his sister responded saying that she’s happy that we can all be together. His mom has still not said a word.
Am I wrong for being upset, and quite frankly, offended? My boyfriend’s mom and I have always had a pretty good relationship, and it just hurts to see her say all of these things, especially considering that my boyfriend and I have been together for so long. It makes me question if she ever really liked me in the first place. I know that seeing his family is going to be super awkward now, especially because his mom knows that I saw everything she said in the messages. I don’t think she’d bring it up, or even apologize or anything, but I’m having a really hard time with letting it go. What should I do?
Again, sorry for that being so long!
November 25, 2019 at 3:29 pm #324473
AnonymousGuestDear Jasmine:
I will read and reply to your post when I am back to the computer, in about 14 hours from now. I hope other members answer you before I return.
anita
November 26, 2019 at 9:01 am #324601AnonymousGuestDear Jasmine:
About your boyfriend’s mother referring to your mother as crazy. You wrote: “my mom and I have had a lot of tension in our relationship in the past, and I’m sure my boyfriend has communicated that to his mom, but she still has never met her, and has no right to talk about her like that”-
– if I understand correctly, your mother displayed crazy behavior in her relationship with you. You then told your boyfriend of more than seven years about it. Maybe he witnessed it himself. Your boyfriend then told his mother about it (anytime during the more than seven years, maybe repeatedly), and his sister either heard it from him or from their mother.
Recently, in a group message, his mother communicated to two people only that your mother is crazy. These two people are her son (your boyfriend) and to her daughter. The three of them have been familiar with this information for years.
Am I understanding correctly?
anita
November 26, 2019 at 9:12 am #324605
ValoraParticipantI don’t think this actually has anything to do with you or your mom. His mom is jealous, and it sounds like her feelings are hurt that her expectations for the day were no longer being met (because she was expecting you guys to come to their dinner), which likely upset her… especially if you’ve always spent Thanksgivings at her house, she’d be expecting you guys to be there. She also may feel like her son is choosing you and your family over her and his family, which is sort of a hard thing for a mom, especially if she has a son that always made her a priority or always showed up to family events. As a mom, it’s hard to learn to let go, even when you should. So I am almost positive that’s where her comments are coming from. They aren’t actually directed toward you and your mom but it’s just a projection of her negative feelings about the situation.
I’m also not saying you guys are in the wrong at all for wanting to spend Thanksgiving at your mom’s. Your plan sounded reasonable, especially if you don’t see your uncle very often and it was a special thing for him to be there if he could’ve made it. But his mom’s reaction isn’t logical or based on reason, it’s emotional. So while you’re not wrong for feeling how you feel, I think if you look at it from her perspective and see why she might be upset (however unreasonable it looks from a logical/outsider standpoint), it sort of makes it a little less offensive because it’s an emotional reaction that’s really coming from her own issues with not wanting things to change and also not having expectations met. Know what I mean? I really doubt it has anything at all to do with you or your mom in any way.
November 26, 2019 at 10:56 am #324629JasmineParticipantAnita,
You’re correct, and while I do agree with where you’re coming from, I still don’t think that my boyfriend’s mom should be able to call my mom crazy. My mom’s decision to move the dinner time up had absolutely nothing to do with my boyfriend’s mom’s time. She seems to be taking it personally, as though my mom intentionally tried to sabotage her Thanksgiving. That label of “crazy” perpetuates that, and I don’t think it’s fair that my mom should be called crazy for changing a time, regardless of what I may have shared with my boyfriend about me and my mom’s relationship, and what may have gotten back to his family. Maybe I’m just being overly sensitive, I don’t know.
November 26, 2019 at 11:18 am #324633JasmineParticipantValora,
As crazy as it sounds, I didn’t really consider the emotional aspect of the things that my boyfriend’s mom has said. Thinking of the situation in that way does put it a bit more into perspective for me, so thank you for that. I guess it was just the finality of the things she said that got under my skin. I would have liked to think that me being a part of her son’s life for so long would have made some difference, but then again, I can imagine how she must be feeling. My boyfriend and I have actually been talking about getting engaged in the near future. Maybe the knowledge of that, added to the fact that he would be missing a special family holiday for the first time, (and potentially more in the future), got to her. Not to mention, my boyfriend’s sister (who is both the oldest and the only girl), is getting married next July. On top of all of that, his second youngest brother lives all the way in California, with his mom’s only 2 grandchildren. Maybe she is just feeling like all of her children are going off and starting their own lives, and she is worried they will forget about her, (which obviously would never happen). I’m just going to try to keep that in mind when I see her, and try not to take it so personally…
November 26, 2019 at 11:40 am #324639AnonymousGuestDear Jasmine:
Your boyfriend’s mother referred to your mother as crazy while she communicated with her son and daughter, not while communicating with your mother and not knowing that you will be reading the exchange. It happened then within a three people supposedly private communication. In this case, it is her business who she calls crazy. (But she should be careful regarding online communication, because as it happened, you were able to read it).
Other than that, reads like she is a bit crazy herself at times. We all are, aren’t we, crazy at times. Thanksgiving is very well known for a time of crazy. I would let it go, if I was you, and have the best Thanksgiving possible.
anita
November 26, 2019 at 11:49 am #324653JasmineParticipantAnita,
Thank you for your words of advice! You are certainly right about all of us having some crazy in us at times, and Thanksgiving is definitely no exception to that. I will try to let go of what my boyfriend’s mom said, and not to take it so personally. I realize at the end of the day, my boyfriend and I love each other, and that’s really all that matters.
I hope that you have a Happy Thanksgiving as well!
November 26, 2019 at 11:52 am #324657AnonymousGuestDear Jasmine:
Thank you. I like your early Thanksgiving holiday spirit already evident in your recent post! Happy holidays to you, your boyfriend and your families.
And post again anytime you’d like to.
anita
November 26, 2019 at 1:29 pm #324687ValoraParticipantMaybe she is just feeling like all of her children are going off and starting their own lives, and she is worried they will forget about her, (which obviously would never happen). I’m just going to try to keep that in mind when I see her, and try not to take it so personally…
I can toootally see that being the problem here. My kids are 8 and 14, and with my 14-year-old, I recently had to let go of the “little girl” aspects and the expectations that come with that and sort of recognize her transition into becoming a young lady and all of the changes that come with that, and that alone was a hard transition for me. It really is hard to let go and let them have more independence. I can’t imagine how I’m going to feel when both kids grow up and start moving on with their own families. I think changes can be hard on parents as you kind of have this natural want to hold onto them as being your babies and always having them there, and there’s this fear there, like you said, that they’ll just move on and forget about you… even though that’s usually an irrational fear. The thought of him not coming to Thanksgiving after having him there every year and that being one more change probably just sent her over the edge for a bit. I do hope she apologizes to you guys, though, as she was definitely harsh and I can see why her words upset you, but she might not realize where her feelings are coming from either.
I hope you enjoy your holidays!
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