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Boyrfriend refuses to reply at all after an argument. How to I deal with this?

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  • #82644
    Jane
    Participant

    My boyfriend and I had an argument the other day and since then hes totally shut me out of all communication. The argument started out as small disagreement where I felt he was being insensitive to a family member of mine coming to visit. I got upset as I always feel as though I support him and am always more than happy to spend time with his friends and family however when it came to mine, hes always in a rush or relucent kinda of attitude. I’ve been feeling like this for some time so perhaps that is where my anger came from. I wanted to let him know that it was not OK. The argument ended up with him saying that he did not want to see me that day and that I should leave to spend time with my cousin. I was very hurt that he would say that without any sensitivity on my feelings so I left. I spent the night tossing and turning thinking about how I was wrong, how he was wrong etc. I text the day to say that I didnt want to argue over small things and that we need to better communicate rather than blow up on each other. I got delayed, short replies. He wont answer his phone to even talk to me. I feel like I’m trying to be peacemaker when its not all my fault. We’ve been together almost a year so I dont feel like I can just let this fade off. Who ignores the person they’ve been with for that amount of time? I dont understand and its driving me buts. I deserve closure or a discussion which I cant get out of him. I havent been blowing up his phone btw. I know I need to not bother him anymore after these efforts but how does a person do this? I’m feeling very anxious and stress right now that I dont know what to do. How does one deal with this kind of person, this kind of situation?

    I appreciate any advice!
    Thanks

    #82655
    pink24
    Participant

    Hi Jane,

    I’ve been through this before, and all I can say is that famous Maya Angelou quote ‘When people show you who they are, believe them.’ You save yourself a lot of time that way. Clearly your bf wants you to exist in his life, but doesn’t want to exist in yours. If you feel that he doesn’t want to spend time with your family, then he doesn’t. And that’s not something you should have to work towards. He doesn’t sound like he’s ready for a serious relationship.

    I would suggest letting things cool, letting him come to you. Don’t apologize, as he is the one who hurt your feelings, not the other way around. If he doesn’t care enough to work on the relationship, then there’s your answer: he’s not the right guy for you. It may feel like you’ve invested all this time, and how can he act like this, but hey, people get divorced after twenty-five years of marriage, you know? Just let things be, and enjoy your life. Easier said than done, I know. But it’s the most important thing to do, especially at a time like this!

    Good luck 🙂
    Pink

    #82659
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Jane:

    I would- if you get the chance again- ask him why he is in a rush to get out of the company of your family members. What bothers him? He may have valid reasons, your family members or your interactions with them may be phony, for example, not honest. This is only a guess- I have no information to base it so it is a wild guess. You can find the information: ask WHY. When you notice a discomfort in him- or anyone you are in a relationship with- ask WHY. Let him tell you. He will feel noticed. Before you jump to conclusions, that he is uncaring and unfair or whatnot, ASK an open ended question like why, ask in a nonjudgmental way, just so to get the information. How else will you get it???

    anita

    #82737
    Jane
    Participant

    Hey Pink – thanks for your reply. Love that Maya quote.. yes its so true. I will have to rethink the serious relationship bit. Perhaps he is not. I stay because his actions sometimes show otherwise, which add to the confusion. And yeah, your so right – hey some people get divorced after years just because things just change. Scary thought but it happens. Thanks for your words.

    Hi Anita – I will do that when I get the chance. I never thought of it from that aspect, just ask why in a non-judgmental way. I trying to be patient and see things how they are as they come and if its not working so be it. What else can one do? Anyway, thanks much for your reply!

    #82851
    Bernadette
    Participant

    Hiya, hope you are feeling better. I would like to say I was involve in this kind of relationship,for 5 yrs, everytime me and my ex bf would have an argument he would shut me out completely, I was the one to always make the first move, to call, text or go,tomhismhome to make the peace, it started a sa few days of shutting me out and it escalate into 3 months of not talking to me by the time we broke up, it’s hell, it’s torture and I guess it’s their kind of punishment for the disagreement. It’s mentally draining and exhausting. Please do not fall for this game, it’s not gonna get better.

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