Dear Karen:

I will read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.

anita

Dear Karen:

I apologize for forgetting to return to your thread, glad you posted again because it got my attention back to your unanswered thread.

You shared that you talked a lot with a woman beginning January this year, a woman a few years younger than you, but very similar in what she likes and wants in life. The two of you “had such a connection so quickly and she was very open”, as open as you were with her, opening up to her about a previous relationship where you got hurt, and she was understanding.

Then “covid kicked in and lockdown happened” and she moved in with you. You worked and she couldn’t work because she was in the process of leaving the army, so you supported her.

Then “it all got too much and she left, wanted to be friends”. She was away for a month, the two of you still talked a lot on video, texted good morning and good night.

Next, she wanted to move back in with you, but as a lodger. She moved in, but because she still loved you, and you were “head over heels”, the two of you “gave  it another go”, and all was well, “relationship being happy”, and the two of you talked about a future together.

Next, late in September, a month and a half ago, “she started to say she wasn’t happy”, and you were stressed with your job “and being a bit down in the dumps”. She then broke up with you, then the two of you talked and tried again..  then she broke up with you again the weekend before your birthday, then apologised to you and treated you so well on your birthday, “she made such an effort it was lovely”.

Next, late in October, two weeks ago, “she ended it, she wasn’t happy, there’s something missing, the spark. Everything else is there”. She is about to move out of your place, she doesn’t want you to be upset, and she wants to be friends. You feel upset, depressed, lost, regretting that you let your guard down, being so open with her, and you “totally love this woman”.

“I  just don’t know what to feel and think”- we don’t do our best thinking when we are distressed, so no wonder you don’t know what to think. We have to calm down for long enough before we can think clearly. The fact that she is still there with you, in your home, in the process of moving out is not congruent with any one of you being calm.

Reads like she is not very stable, at least not at this time in her life, a time of transition: leaving the army, a new relationship with you, not having her own home, repeatedly wanting in and out of the relationship.

I suggest that at this time, until she moves out- talk with her as little as possible, keep talks on the surface only, for now. Postpone any and all unnecessary talk until after she moves out. Instead of talking, let silence be, or soft music play in the background.

The two of you need calm at this time, more than anything else. Don’t try to analyze the relationship, to understand what is happening- not before she leaves. For the rest of the week, relax best you can so that you can emotionally survive this week with minimal trouble. Does this make sense to you?

anita

Dear Karen:

I am sorry things are not better for you at this time. Because it is hard for you to not analyse, we can try to analyse together a bit, maybe it will lead to a better understanding, and that will help.

You added a piece of information in your recent, short post: it is clear that she is angry with you, and she has been complaining that you didn’t show her that you loved her, not “enough to her expectations”- did she tell you specifically what she means by it: what specific behaviors did you do or not do that failed her expectations?

anita

Dear Karen:

You wrote that she is “very romantic”, and that “she has had more relationships” than you, which means.. that romance was never enough to make any of her relationships last.

Reads to me that romance is a side issue for her, and that the core issue in her failure in the relationship with you (and with people before you)- has nothing to do with romance.

anita

Dear Karen:

You don’t sound stupid or an idiot- just a woman with a broken heart, feeling lost, for now. But you will feel better, it will get better for you.

“Always getting romantic gifts etc. Flowers date nights during this pandemic. She wants the same effort”- reads like the attitude behind her romance is that of competition and exchange, expecting you to keep up to her gestures and repaying her for her gestures, instead of an attitude of generosity.

anita

Dear Karen:

“she just has high expectations” for romantic gestures, expectations that you did not satisfy for her, during a pandemic, while “so busy at work”–

– do you think that she was indeed, like I suspect, unreasonable, impatient, competitive, into an exchange of gestures vs love and generosity, or am I wrong?

anita

Dear Karen:

By “love and generosity” I mean her understanding that you were very busy at work and stressed because of the pandemic, and therefore not expecting you to return her romantic  gestures (after all, she did not have a job and was at home, having the time to carry out romantic gestures, while you worked to pay the rent, food etc.).

I mean her feeling empathy for you instead of judging you harshly and breaking up with you. Do you feel that she was understanding of you and empathetic toward you?

* I will be back to the computer in about an hour.

anita