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Break up due to Fiance Family Pressure

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  • #212873
    Dhaneshwaree
    Participant

    Hi

    My name is Vidoushi and I was born and brought up in Mauritius. I went to study to Canada and I met a guy there, an indian. We fell in love and we were in a relationship for 3 years in which 1 year we lived together. We were about to get married in one month when he suddenly broke up with me due to his family. I am having a hard time coping with this as it was my first ever relationship. I am feeling so depressed that I tried committing suicide.

    Let me start from beginning. When I met my fiance I fell in love in love with him. He is such a great guy and a great person. He was like the perfect guy for me. Our relationship was going so smoothly ans we were so much in love. After graduation we started living together when suddenly his dad started forcing him to come back to India. He did not want to leave because of me and we were having a happy life. But his dad is having a business and he wanted his son back. His dad was never okay with our relationship because I was a foreigner. But I was from an Indian background itself, we share the same religion and culture. It’s just that we speak different language. We just communicate in English, which in his family no one is that good. But I was doing my best to learn his language.

    One day his mum called us and said his dad agreed to marry us so come back. We got excited. I left my job, my career everything for him and came back to my country and he went to his. Later my mum and dad traveled to his place to fix a marriage date and came back. Over there my boyfriend expressed his wish to go and live separately just me and him and his parents agreed. I was always scared of his dad that he might do something to make him back out from this relationship. And I was expressing my feeling with him and he got the idea I don’t like his dad.

    When the marriage date was getting near his family was not doing any preparation. Over here I did all my paper work to stay there and I booked my tickets to go for the marriage after asking my fiance and I spent a lot of money. Just one month before the wedding his dad and brother started creating some issue. They said they are not okay with this marriage and they don’t like me. They had never met me nor talked to me. They started blackmailing him emotionally saying I will separate the family when I will be there etc just because we were thinking of staying in another place after few months. His brother also is staying in his own house. I don’t know what exactly went up when suddenly he gave up. He called my dad and said the marriage is cancel. I was so heart broken because it was not even my fault and he blocked my everywhere so that I don’t talk to him. I deserve an answer or a proper reason. I was getting so depressed that I tried committing suicide. When he got to know he did not even call m to see if I am ok. The worst part is everything was on phone not even face to face just because we were in different country.

    Later he called saying I don’t love you anymore, you will not fit in this family, no one likes you here. I did not believe him. I know he was forced to say that so that I hate him. But I know him so well. We cared for each other a lot and I always took great care of him. I told him you got blinded by your dad business and money that is why you are doing this. He said no its for my family happiness. His mum and cousins and friends actually like me a lot. Only his dad was creating an issue and pressuring him. He had promised me so much things and I even have my tickets to go to his place along with my family which are non refundable. I tried talking to him, contacting him but he blocked me everywhere.

    His dad called my dad saying to leave his son alone. He admitted that he used me to get his son back home and even said go see what you will do with your daughter. I did not believe a dad talking like that. When my dad asked him then why did you promise all these, why did you call us there, he said it was all part of the plan. My dad even said what we will do with the air tickets now, we spent so much money and we asked my fiance before getting it he said we should not listen to him he is a kid and has no brain. My dad felt so bad that he told him you don’t have a daughter you will not understand but one day you will pay for all the wrong you are doing. He is too proud of his money and business that he does not have emotion.

    Later I found out from my friends that his family is really really orthodox and they don’t like woman in the family to be career minded and working. Just look after the husband. But my fiance was never like that. He always pushed me to be independent. We were having a great life in Canada. I should have never agreed going back. Now I don’t have any idea what to do. I have to go back and again start from zero from finding a place to stay and a job and the worst part is being alone. My whole life in Canada my fiance was there and we were supporting each other. Now am all alone and am getting really scared of ending up alone.

    I am 27. I really wanted to settle down in my life by 30. That was my first relationship. I don’t know if I will ever trust or fall in love again with someone. I am still having so much trouble moving on. I think of him everyday and cry and just want to talk to him. but I can’t contact him anywhere. I know he might be hurt also. I never went through a break up, that too such a bad one. I don’t how can he do that after all I did for him. I was there to support and take care of him all the time. How can he forget our love, promises, plans and everything. Please I need help to know how to cope with it. I in so much pain.

    #212911
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vidoushi:

    Your ex boyfriend, when he was in Canada, away from his father/ family, he was himself. You got to know him being him. Back in India, he is owned by his father.

    You wrote: “how can he do that after all I did for him. I was there to support and take care of him all the time. How can he forget our love, promises, plans and everything”- his father has much more power over him than you could possibly have because when he was a young child, his father was there forming his young son’s thoughts and feelings. It was then that his father’s power was established in his young son’s brain, year after year, throughout his growing up.

    Then he was in Canada, away from his father and then his father wanted him back in India, forming a plan which succeeded. His father used his power over his son, a power established many years before.

    Of course, injustice was done to you and to your family.

    But I don’t think there is anything you can do to change any of what happened. I don’t think you or your family have the power over your ex boyfriend. Your ex boyfriend’s father has the power.

    I do hope you recover from this heartache. You can learn from this and pay attention to the next man you meet. Learn if he is owned by his family. And if he is, then see if his family indeed wants you, make sure they do.

    Please do post again.

    anita

     

    #212919
    Vidya
    Participant

    Hi Vidoushi,

    I grew up in India and have moved around a lot within India. Let me tell you ‘You have hit a jackpot’. Most of time, girls learns of cruel reality of being married in such family when its too late (die of dowry) or late late enough that’s real difficult to start again. Even if you have got married, it would have meant uncertainty in future. His dad and family would have found ways to harass you. Though you found a connection, but such ‘guys’ are dime a dozen.

    Girl, you are single, have lived in Canada, you are career minded. What else do you need?. Cry if you want to, but know that eventually you have to get up and live your life. See if you can take any legal action against family to recoup the financial loss. If not, than bring yourself up and find peace in current situation. Know that your today is not your tomorrow. Life will take you places if you are willing to show courage.

    Take care,

    V

    #212923
    Dhaneshwaree
    Participant

    Thank you for all your reply. In one way I consider myself lucky. But on the other way I gave that guy three years of my life. I did my everything for him. And I know he loved me a lot. We were both having good job, good life. The only mistake was going back. Whatever his dad did, he will pay in this life itself. But me am worried going back to Canada again start a life alone. Because that guy was like my right hand there, always there for each other. We were already living like a couple. I depended so much on him and he on me. He was my world there. Now I am scared of coping alone. I am scared of not falling in love and trusting anyone anymore. The most hurting part is he did not even talk to me properly to end it. I did not even get a closure. So I really don’t know what he is feeling or going on in his mind. That is what is hurting me. Ending 3 year relationship through phone and that too through text and then blocking me everywhere.

    #212927
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vidoushi:

    It will be tough for a while. But I think that you have it in you to make it without him. The part of you that he depended on (“I depended so much on him and he on me)”, that part is still in you, and you can depend on it. Over time, you will learn more from this three year experience, make wiser choices and have a better and better life.

    Post again anytime you’d like. Other members may reply (I will if I read from you again when I am back to the computer in about fifteen hours).

    anita

    #212931
    Vidya
    Participant

    Hi Vidoushi,

    You might have to wait to get closure. As time will pass, you can renew contact maybe after 5-6 years. But you cannot spend this time waiting for closure and not doing anything related to career. My worry is more that Canada will remind you of him and less that you cannot be independent. If the similar opportunity exist elsewhere give it a thought eg New Zealand, Australia. If not, what the heck, just go. Once you land there, if you need extra motivation, just ask in forum. If life gives you another chance, never loose it.

    Regarding your idea of lost time, I get that. I had the same feeling when my Ex broke up. I thought what a sheer waste of 2 years of critical period of my life. The time I gave him when I should be building career. After the knockout, I did built my career. Only benefit I got of relation was that my Ex had some good qualities and I implemented them in my life.  I know more about me also. You learn from the ‘tragedy’.

    Take care,

    V

    #212959
    Dhaneshwaree
    Participant

    Thank you for your help guys. I am actually planning to back to Canada soon and start my life and career again. I know it’s his lost if he could not value our relationship and I also know one day he will regret.
    But I still have friends who still care about me and they are all motivating me to come back and help me.

    Thank you

     

    #212965
    Vidya
    Participant

    Great. More power to you. Let your Ex be in hiding by blocking you, don’t waste energy in contacting him. Be positive. Go back and own your life – have no one bring you down ever. We are cheering for you. – V

    #213011
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome, Vidoushi.

    anita

    #213183
    Michelle
    Participant

    I can give you purpose right now: your purpose is sharing this story. It will help you find clarity but also help others going through the same thing (and there are many). I am a white Canadian that was dating an Indian male for two years … and had the same exact thing happen to me! That is why I joined TinyBuddha actually. I needed to relate the story with others in the same situation. It made me feel less alone and it will do the same for you as well.

    I agree with the other comment that in time you will realize that this was a blessing.

    On a side note, I don’t know if you are in the province of Saskatchewan but if you are, feel free to reach out to me privately. I am willing to be a support here if you need one. I know it’s not easy and very painful … but you will come out wiser in the end. 🙂

    #213195
    Vidya
    Participant

    Hi,

    I am an Indian women and grew up in India, and lived major part of my life over there before I landed in US. Indian culture is very different from US. Most men don’t grow out of their mother’s lap. Only few are independent minded, and almost none would go against family. Family bonding is strong in India or in an Indian family, which has its benefits and ills, but generally parents worry about having an outsider take away their ‘beloved son’ and want to marry him with a person who they can control. Also, one reason is parents wealth is transmitted to son and they want an insider. I would only say don’t bother with ‘Indian men’ unless you are sure he is independent and not to be bogged down by family. Times are changing, and people are changing. Cannot put every one in the same boat, but far too many act the same way.

    -V

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