August 4, 2020 at 10:21 am #363755
We 2 have been in a 4 year relationship. You were friends before. I am a working wimman supporting my family n he is currently unemployed. Basically, we are very different individuals. We have different dreams.. but as we loved each other we were on the way to make things work. Internally both of us were upset. We would quarel each month and again get back together.
He is man of simple tastes in everything, simple food, simple living. He never imagined himself to do a corporate job or getting into a better situation in life. I was ambitious, practical and stubborn to get my dreams fulfilled. He would always promise me that we can fulfill each other’s dream someday but for now we have to be together.i understood and loved him deeply. He wanted to do something related to birds. I told him as you love pets you can keep it as a hobby but for living please do something else. And unintentionally I had hurt him ,he used to feel less confident. He had a fear to be unable tobeing a man. On the other hand he didn’t or couldn’t support me in many things. I used to be upset . I thought I am not getting enough of love.he felt the same. But we dreamt to be together.
When the right time came, he talked to his family. I told my family that he is not doing anything. My father took it lightly and said no problem he will be doing something in next 6 months. I badly wanted him to present as a perfect man. On the contrary, his sister told me he is not perfect now and you have to deal with lots of things if you want to come to our family. I said will . I am with him but just let him know he has to do something to support the family. His sister took it positively. But when explained to him she said that I was so strong as a girl that I dictated clearly what I want. All of these conversation is happening during lockdown. He was upset to know this and argued that, that means i don’t love him. I was feeling helpless thinking I love this person n in every way I want to be with him. Is this my fault to tell what he might need to do for making a family? I cried I shouted …n suddenly he says he will not continue…he can’t do it. …that I won’t change I will want him to do things he doesn’t want to do.
Now, after losing him this badly I have been trying to connect spritualy. I understand I didn’t appreciate the love I had. I was not enough grateful n I remember his promises and feel like I am going to have someone like him I am totally broken now. I have realized in any cost I want him back. N if he gets back I will do the things I didn’t to and took for granted. I will let him do he wants to do with birds. Financially we will face problem but I feel I will take the responsibility. Not to mention we haven’t meet each other for 5 months I feel that played a role in his harash decision making. I am planning to meet him. But I am devasted already. I just wish he comes back. Please help me understand the situation. I know things went wrong I want to fix it.August 4, 2020 at 11:09 am #363761
“Please help me understand the situation”-
– from having communicated with you September last year about this relationship, this is what I think: you and him are very incompatible, too incompatible to make a good life together and bring children into it.
The reason you want him back at any cost is because you are very emotionally attached to him.
Problem is, if you do get him back, you will also get back the conflicts, the tensions and the quarrels you had with him many times. You imagine you will be able to have him at any cost, that you will be able to “do the things I didnt do.. let him do what he wants to do with birds.. face problems”-
– but once he is back in your life and you no longer feel desperate, your dissatisfaction with him will be back as well, and the two of you will be upset again, just like before (“Internally both of us were upset. We would quarrel..”).
“he says he will not continue.. he can’t do it.. that I won’t change, I will want him to do things he doesn’t want to do”- I think that his thinking is correct: he will not change; you will not change and life together will be miserable for you and for him.
I suggest that you let him go, no matter how badly you feel. Over time you will feel better and you will be able to find a compatible partner for your life, but if you give in to your desperation now, and succeed in getting him back, you will never have a compatible partner and the two of you (and your children, if any) will be miserable.
Post again anytime, if it helps you to feel better.
anitaAugust 4, 2020 at 11:28 am #363764
Thank you for responding. I feel like you are there for me. I understand what you said. I told you one thing that is new that happened to me. Spritualy I feel more connected, not about him only, with any person if I have done wrong, I repent for my behavior. Feeling satisfied with little what I have, I should be thankful. It didn’t occur to me.
I am sorry for my ignorance. I want to make him feel better so that he realizes I can be a best version of myself. If it is not meant to be it will not happen, no matter how much I want to. But only thing is I want to give effort in a new way.
Is that wrong for me to think about? Can’t I change for a better version of myself? People make mistakes and learn from them. This time I feel I have know a lot of things I didn’t know.
Thank you in advance for your time.August 4, 2020 at 12:19 pm #363768
You are welcome. I understand: you had a spiritual awakening of sorts, feeling more connected and empathetic toward other people, including him. You want to do what’s right by people, improve your behavior so that you don’t harm others- that’s excellent, Ifty, I am thrilled!
“I want to make him feel better so that he realizes I can be a best version of myself”- here is the problem, as I see it: if you try hard to show him that you are the best version of yourself, you will likely expect (and be disappointed) that he doesn’t reciprocate and try to be his best version.
You mentioned before that you are ambitious and he is not: even on spiritual matters, you are likely to be ambitious, but not him. So let’s say you get together with him, do your best, being satisfied with less, with the “simple tastes in everything”, with his unemployment etc., and then.. he makes no changes in himself- what will that make you feel?
anitaAugust 4, 2020 at 12:32 pm #363770
I haven’t talked to him for a while now. We have to talk. I want to tell him how I feel now and if he still feels the love he has, we will work on it .if not …then it will stop. You know something, even though he says he can’t be with me now. I know after 2/3 months he will come back ( if there is not anyone). He has a tendency like that. that doesn’t mean it will happen always.
i am afraid once I move on with my life he will come again to mess it up. I do not what will happen.August 4, 2020 at 1:12 pm #363776
I think that you are too emotional at this time to make good choices. Too much emotion, too much need and desperation creates fog in the brain and interrupts logical thinking. Here is an example of such fog:
“I am afraid once I move on with my life, he will come again to mess it up. I do not want (it to) happen”-you don’t want to move on and have a good life and then he returns to it to mess it up. Your illogical solution is to not move on with your life so to not have a good life before he messes it up again.
A logical solution is to move on with your life, have a good life, and not let him back into your life.
Is there a way for you to calm down, relax, so that you can think logically- maybe take a long walk every day, take on yoga, listen to calming music, guided meditations.. make a daily routine for yourself including these things I just mentioned?