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Broken and lost

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  • #374790
    Bobz
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve known this guy for about 2 years now. From friends, to close friends, I started falling for him unknowingly. For the past 6 months, from friendship it evolved into something more. Everytime we met he we’d end up making out. And there has been no clarification whatsoever about this thing thats going on between us. I’ve asked him a few times like who am I to him but he keeps avoiding the answer.

    Then there’s this another girl who’s clearly in love with him but he isn’t interested in her (that’s what he says). And I’ve brought up about her about two times. On the second time, he got really mad and he’s been avoiding me ever since. I did apologise and tried to call him a few times but he did not answer my calls or reply my texts. It’s been about a week and I have not heard from him.

    I’ve just come to realise how much this guy actually means to me more importantly as friend as the bond we shared is so deep. And I really miss him. I’m not sure how to get him back? Or I should let this go?

    Some suggestions guys?

     

    #374803
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bobz:

    In the last six months of your two year friendship with this guy, “Every time we met.. we’d end up making out. And there has been no clarification whatsoever about this thing that’s going on between us“-

    – clearly “this thing that’s going on” between the two of you is just what you wrote it is: making out. Making out covers a wide range of sexual behavior, typically prolonged kissing and other forms of foreplay, but usually not the direct act of penetrative sexual intercourse. You are wondering if there is anything in addition to sex that went on during the last six months.

    “there’s this other girl.. he isn’t interested in her (that’s what he says)”- you doubt that what he said is true, you wonder if he lied to you and if he really is interested in her.

    “I’ve brought up about her about two times. On the second time, he got really mad and he’s been avoiding me ever since. I did apologise and tried to call him a few times but he did not answer my calls or reply my texts. It’s been about a week and I have not heard from him. I’ve just come to realise.. the bond we shared is so deep”-

    – the bond you shared with him was so deep  in your mind and heart. But was it deep in his mind and heart?

    When you asked him a second time about the other girl, he got angry because he didn’t want you to ask about her. I assume that he figured that you asked about her because you want your make-out sessions to be exclusive to you an him.

    The bond he shared with you was not deep enough or of the kind that would motivate him to make out only with you. Young women traditionally tend to get confused in regard to sexual activity: because it feels so special to the young woman, she assumes that it is special for the young man as well. Often, the woman’s focus is her heart, while the man’s focus is his penis.

    “I really miss him. I’m not sure how to get him back? Or I should let this go? Some suggestions..?”-

    – to get him back as a friend with benefits (a friend with whom you make-out not exclusively), you can offer him just that.. and hope that maybe he will want one day to be exclusive with you. I don’t recommend this at all: it’s humiliating and it is a bad idea for any woman to humiliate herself.

    To get him back as the friend that he was before the six months make-out session is very unlikely because the habit of making-out has already been established. I’d say, as “broken and lost” as you feel, grieve this friendship, or whatever it was,  and in time, move on to a relationship where you and the guy are clear about “this thing that’s going on”, early on in the relationship.

    anita

    #374832
    Bobz
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Thank you for your reply. I did ask him if we were friends with benefit and he denied it. He said he does not see me that way. I just wonder if he just used me to his advantage to get benefits. At the same time I’m in denial as he is really close with my mum and if he screws things up he would screw his relationship with my mum too.

    I don’t understand how someone can be so close yet be like this. If it was just a normal friendship and if he took advantage of the situation I would be fine I guess. But being so close by knowing each other’s family and his mum being friends with my mum, I wonder how can someone do this.

    Its like I cannot accept the situation. And also there is no closure in why he stopped talking to me all of a sudden. Just because I questioned him about the other girl? I’m not too sure if that’s the reason and I don’t know how to find.

     

     

     

     

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by Bobz.
    #374834
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bobz:

    You are welcome. I will answer you further when I am back to the computer in about 10 hours from now, If you want to elaborate on his relationship with your mother, it may help me understand better.

    anita

    #374843
    Bobz
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Alright. His relationship with my mum. He adores my mum. They are close. Whenever he visits me, the conversation will be mostly be between my mum and him and I’ve got to wait for my turn to talk. They get along very very well. And they love each other very very much as mother and son. He is still communicating with my mum. But not with me.

    I’m not sure what exactly the situation is.

    #374852
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bobz:

    “It’s like I cannot accept the situation… I’m not sure what exactly the situation is”- no one can accept a situation not knowing what the situation is.

    Let’s try to figure out the situation: (1) your family knows his family, your mother is friends with his mother (“knowing each other’s family and his mum being friends with my mum”),

    (2)”he is really close with my mum… He adores my mum. They are close… They get along very very well. And they love each other very very much as mother and son.”

    “Whenever he visits me, the conversation will mostly be between my mum and him and I’ve got to wait for my turn to talk… He is still communicating with my mum. But not with me”.

    I will develop the above quotes into what the situation may be based on the little information I have:

    You wrote that your mother and this young man love each other very very much and you qualified their love “as mother and son” because you wanted to make it clear that their love is not a romantic/ physical love between  an older woman and a younger man.

    Although it has happened in the world, I will assume that there is no sexual relationship of any kind between your mother and this young man.

    It seems to me as a likely possibility that (a) either your mother is not married (you didn’t mention a father) and is not in any romantic/ sexual relationship with any man, or if she is married- she is bored with her marriage, (b) although your mother may not plan to have a romantic/ sexual relationship with this young man, and although she may not be fully aware of it- she has romantic feelings for him. When he visited you, she felt elated, interested, excited to see him and talk with him.

    “They love each other very very much”- included in this sentence is: she loves him very very much. “He is really close with my mum”- I assume that she enjoys it that he feels really close to her.  “He adores my mum”- I assume that she feels adored by him, and that it feels very good to her. “They get along very very well”- she got along with him so well that when he visited, they ignored you: the two of them being in the center of their world and you were in the periphery, much like two people in love focused on each other and not paying attention to the periphery/ what  is outside of their intimate world.

    You wrote: “he is really close with my mum and if he screws things up he would screw his relationship with my mum too”- not true so far: he did not return your calls and texts for over a week, but the two of them are still talking, still in a relationship of whatever kind it is. Seems like he is still in the center of your mother’s world while you are in the periphery, and therefore, when he screws things up with you, your mother is okay with it, and things are not screwed between the two of them.

    “Then there’s this other girl who’s clearly in love with him but he isn’t interested in her.. And I’ve brought it up.. about two times. On the second time, he got really mad and he’s been avoiding me ever since”-

    – I am assuming you know who that other girl is, you’ve seen her.. ?

    – When the two of you were making out, was it in your home which you share with your mother, and did she know about the making out?

    anita

    #375093
    Bobz
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    To clear your doubts my mum isnt having romantic feelings towards this boy. She lost her husband two years ago and isnt quite well health wise. Her concern is for me to settle down in life as I’ve got no family left except for her. So she seems this boy is really suitable for me, hence she is pushing me to be with him. As much as I like this boy and have feelings for him, I’m not sure if I can be happy with him. Yes, the physical attraction is there but other than that he barely calls me or reply my texts. He would take hours to reply my texts. He lives only about 3 km from my house which isnt far. But he only meets me two weeks once or three weeks once. According to him, he is very busy and has no time (I guess no time for me).

    My mum does not know about us making out. I just confessed to her that I have feelings for this boy and she is urging me to go further. But I am just putting things on hold for the moment. And we only make out in the car. It only has happened roughly about 6 times. And yes I know the other girl involved. I met her through him. They are friends but she is working in another country.

    I’m not sure if this boy is actually serious with me or what he wants. I want to confront him but I am unsure how to do it or what to ask.

     

    #375095
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bobz:

    If your mother’s only concern in regard to you and this young man is that you “settle down in life”, she has picked the wrong guy for you: it is not wise of her to push this guy on you when she knows that (1) living only three kilometers away, he has arranged to see you only once every two weeks, or once every three weeks, and (2) he takes hours to reply to your texts, even a week or more (“It’s been about a week and I have not heard from him”, Feb 18).

    Plus, if her interest is that you and this guy will develop a relationship, it is unwise of her to monopolize the conversations with him, excluding you from the conversations during his rare visits: “Whenever he visits me, the conversation will be mostly between my mum and him and I’ve got to wait for my turn to talk”- she should mostly exclude herself from the conversations and encourage you and him to talk.

    “To clear your doubts my mum isn’t having romantic feelings toward this boy”- it is difficult to imagine, isn’t it, that your own mother, an older woman and not in great health, has feelings for a younger man. But think of it: how do you know what your mother is feeling for him?

    The point about what she is feeling for him is not to suggest that she is wrong feeling this way or that way, we don’t choose our feelings. The point I am making is that it seems to me that your mother is misguided about this guy, believing that he is right for you not because he is right for you, but because she feels infatuated with him.

    I suggest that you take the issue of your dating/ relationships with men outside of your mother’s attention and involvement. She is not qualified to make good choices for you on this matter.

    anita

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