Hi Ela,

If he is indeed dating a fourteen year old, it is NOT a relationship. At all. It is a felony, and if there’s any intimacy whatsoever, he could be put in jail for a very long time, and have the rest of his life ruined once he’s on the Sexual Predator List. And let’s be clear here. He is a predator. The girl is not your age or even seventeen. She is FOURTEEN. For God’s sake!

Aside from that, he is controlling and withholding to you.

He is no prize.

So don’t view him as one.

Move on,

Inky

Dear Ela:

A few things:

One, the blame game: pay attention to this dynamic because if you do not, you will suffer for it in the future, again and again: He blamed you and you took the blame. Not a good dynamic. Lots of people like to blame and if there is someone willing to take the blame, again and again, then it is heaven for them for a while and hell for you. Pay attention to people whose habit is to blame others, to automatically point the finger at you, and pay attention to your tendency to blame yourself for what you are not responsible for.

Two, his relationship with other girls is not likely to be more meaningful than his relationship with you has been. It is still HIM, the same person. He has trouble with trusting girls/ women maybe people in general. He had trouble trusting you, fearing you were cheating on him or could be. Even when you stopped talking to others, or whatever it is you did to accommodate him, he still didn’t trust you, felt distress nagging him. So to “solve” his trust problem he proceeded to cheat on you so that he no longer has to wonder if you were cheating or will be cheating on him. This is not likely to change with the current girlfriend.

I wonder if he chose a 14 year old (Which is a crime in the U.S., as was pointed) because he feels a 14 year old is easier to control, to keep her from cheating on him. Of course, a 14 year old girl will grow up and be older if alive, and then, trouble… He will need to exercise more and more control over her… and then, end it and move on to someone else….I suppose.

Three, the good times you experienced with him, well those were real. When he was not distressed with his nagging distrust and suspicion, he was fun to be around, even sincere… but without good psychotherapy he is not likely to magically heal from the hurt in his childhood that still plagues him. No amount of accommodating will heal him.

What do you think, Ela?

anita

Dear Ela:

I like you moving on. As far as his childhood- it looks good to you, his childhood, from where you are standing, looking at it. It can be a very different story from where he is at. On my daily walk, I pass a house that looks beautiful, with trees and mountains all around, now snow on the trees around, worthy of a postcard. So it looks from my position passing it on my walk.

But if I was inside that house, seeing people passing by there, car driving by I might feel too visible, like everyone can see what I am doing all day long. See I live in a much smaller house on a dead end street. People who drive by my house are way fewer, so I feel less visible, more private. I wouldn’t like to live in that house. My point is what looks good from HERE, may not be so good THERE.

You only know what made YOUR childhood painful, so when you see opposite things in his childhood, you think: he had it good. You don’t know what you don’t know.

And you do know what you do know: moving on. A new beginning with a healthier man in the future!

anita

You are welcome, Ela! Happy New Year and please do post anytime.

anita

The first heart break is the hardest!!!!! I will never forget mine! I was 19 and now I am 56 lol! But, seems like it was yesterday!! But we ALL go through it! It’s not easy! But you are still young and have you whole life ahead of you! you don’t want someone who is going to cheat on you anyways! Good Luck!