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Bruises of the heart

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  • January 31, 2018 at 2:43 am #189863
    Rhiannon
    Participant

    Hello, I am writing in the hope that someone may have some words of advice.

    Roughly a year ago I was badly bullied at work. I was working in a small with 4 other people on a job I cared about, it was intense often included working weekends and late nights. It started with the other girl on the team. At first she made out that we were friends and working together but then gradually she subtly started manipulating the others into disliking me.

    I discovered a couple of months down the line that she had gone behind my back and lied to the others about me, she deliberately undermined me at every turn and openly admitted to my face she enjoyed making my life difficult so she could “watch me squirm”.

    By the time it had got this bad the others on my team were already against me and had started to push me out. I was excluded, overlooked, laughed at and made to feel I was terrible at my job. I was miserable every day at work but didn’t want to quit, I knew if I did quit it would be exactly what this other girl wanted. I also had the support of people from other departments who could see what was going on and who encouraged me to see it through. I did see it through but the events of the 18 months on the project stayed with me.

    During this time I was also with a boy for nearly a year who made me believe he truly cared about me. I found out towards the end of the our time together he had secretly been seeing another girl for roughly 4 months and had been lying to me about it. I confronted him and ended it.

    I felt totally used and rejected, both at work and by this boy. It has been a year since both of these and I thought I had healed. I had a new job with nice people and I hadn’t been with any other guys because I wanted time to heal myself.

    I recently started seeing another guy, we were dating for 2 moths, seeing each other 2 or 3 times a week all instigated by him. He would send me messages when we were apart saying he missed me etc. It turns out now, all of a sudden now I have let my guard down he is not interested.

    I feel totally used again and it has brought up feelings and thoughts from the bad year I had. I always try to be good to people but often I get it thrown back in my face. I am starting to wonder if it is just me or if I have been unlucky.

    Reeny

    January 31, 2018 at 3:28 am #189867
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Reeny:

    The last sentence in your post above is: “I am starting to wonder if it is just me or if I have been unlucky”-

    maybe it is a combination of the two. Sometimes we are unlucky, having no responsibility for a situation we find ourselves in. Most times we have some responsibility, having made some choices that were not effective, didn’t serve us well.

    You presented three situations that bruised your heart (from title of your thread): the one year relationship you had, the 18 month former employment situation, and the two month recent relationship.

    If you want to pick any one of those next and consider what if any responsibility you have in that situation, choices you made that worked against you, not for you, please do so, and I will reply further.

    anita

    January 31, 2018 at 4:22 am #189879
    Rhiannon
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you for responding. I hear what you are saying. I do think that some of the choices I may have made did not help my situation.  For instance I this other girl at work started at one point to be a bit nicer towards me. Feeling so pushed out I chose to trust her on this and accepted her ‘kindness’ only for her to use it against me again. I then lashed out at her, she then ran back to the team with this saying I was treating her unfairly. I can see I shouldn’t have A) been gullible enough to trust her nice behaviour and B) to lash out as it only ended up hurting me and pushing me out even more.

    With boy 1 I actually caught him with this other girl. He told me she was a family friend he had to look after and couldn’t speak english (he is actually Cypriot as is the girl) he told me I was psycho for suspecting and used his uncles illness to get out of the situation and to make me feel bad. After this I should have called it quits but I believed what he said (all untrue) and I was the one who ended up apologising.

    The most recent boy I kept my guard up with him after my previous experience. Eventually over the two months based on his behaviour towards me I let my guard down. When we last saw each other it felt close and I felt good about it.  But then all of a sudden I didn’t hear from him for a week. I txt him and got a dismissive reply. I then replied to him ending it because I didn’t know where I stood. He then replied a patronising message saying he didn’t want anything with me and that he was reading that I did..

    I know that I am good at my job and very hard working. I also know that I am kind and good to boys that I am with.

    But after this I guess I am feeling in all three situations I have not been good enough.. I am in the phase of self doubt and unwilling to open up to anyone else. These aren’t the first 2 boys who have treated me like this. Perhaps I am indulging too much but even writing it here helps.

     

    January 31, 2018 at 4:59 am #189887
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Reeny:

    You are welcome. I am not sure if I understand what you mean by “indulging too much” (last line, above), can you explain?

    I also didn’t understand this part: the second young man you are talking about, when you ended it with him over text, he “replied a patronizing message saying he didn’t want anything with me and hat he was reading that I did”-

    can you state his reply to you as he said it, more or less, as clearly as you can?

    One more thing, when you wrote that you lashed out at that co worker at your previous employment, what do you mean by lashing out- what did you say and do at the time you lashed out at her?

    anita

    January 31, 2018 at 7:43 am #189903
    Rhiannon
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    What I meant by being too indulgent is spending too much energy and time on this when I should look forward. And I do, but when I am knocked down again these thoughts resurface.

    I lashed out by shouting at this person and calling her a liar. My anxiety was through the roof at this point and I felt as though I may break down, I couldn’t talk to anyone on my team about it because they were all against me. I tired suppressing my feelings because I knew that snapping is what she/they wanted but she pushed me too far with something shady she had done, which is why I snapped

    January 31, 2018 at 8:22 am #189909
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Reeny:

    Regarding having been bullied in the workplace, as you have been, that does happen often enough, unfortunately. Not much different from a child being bullied on the playground by other children, or in school. All it takes for a child/ adult to be bullied is… well, anything. Anything at all that irritates another child, another person.

    You shouting at this former co worker and calling her a liar is understandable. After all, she has lied and has bullied you for a long time. A person cannot be a saint, shouldn’t try, really.

    You would prefer to move on from these experiences but you keep going back to them because there are things in these experiences that are not resolved. In the workplace experience, as I understand it, there is nothing to resolve, that is, it happened and even if it was still happening, I don’t see what you could have done to resolve it. Once bullying is ongoing, in practice,  without  effective interference by someone in power (at the workplace or law enforcement and such), then there is nothing the victim can do more than already done.

    So the resolution might be allowing yourself the sadness over having been a victim, sadness over injustice.

    Regarding the other two items, maybe there are lesson to learn and the resolution is in the learning and practicing what you learn in the future. Then you can move on…?

    anita

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