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    Hi Helcat,

    thanks a lot, I am moved by your kind words.

    Yeah, it’s an everyday struggle to choose to look at my chronic pain with hope and acceptance, rather than with resignation and despair. It did force me to dive deep into my faith, I guess. It was shattered for a while, because I believed God is causing these problems to me, that God doesn’t want me to succeed and thrive. But I’ve realized that’s not true and dug deeper to see how I might be causing or at least contributing to the pain. And in that space, I did find a window to help myself.

    As for motherhood, the only option for us would have been IVF. And it was too much for me, I didn’t want to go through the procedure, knowing that I have issues with being a mother anyway. So I didn’t opt for it…

    When you say you now have more empathy for your parents, I totally understand you. I also understand some of my parents’ decisions, which weren’t the best but were made out of necessity, and I don’t blame them for that. But it’s not those decisions that were the most harmful. It’s rather my mother’s very negative view of life, which made her a bitter person, not able to give  me love but constantly criticizing me and making me feel like I was not good enough. It’s really the slow, repetitive putting me down (instead of lifting me up) that caused the greatest harm.

    Of course, mental health wasn’t a thing back then, so that too is large factor. They didn’t know about “conscious parenting” and everything young parents know (or can know) today. All that contributed to how I was raised… Anyway, I am not blaming my parents, I’ve forgiven them. But the emotional injuries still happened and it’s taken a long time to heal them. And the process is still ongoing…

    It is wonderful that you opted to have a baby and that you went into motherhood with much more awareness, having had lots of therapy and healing over the years. I think that’s crucial and a guarantee that you will be a great, caring and attuned mother!

    Wishing you all the best too! <3



    Hi Tee

    Regarding motherhood, I’m glad that you made the decision that was right for you.

    What an incredible insight you had to be able to reflect on how you were contributing to the pain. That level of self-reflection takes a lot of guts and strength.

    I’m glad to hear that you worked through the difficulties with your faith caused by pain. That is no easy feat.

    My perspective on these things is that God works on a different time frame and inspires us to have the strength to help ourselves. I also think that we are put on this earth to learn and in times of hardship we learn very special things.

    Yes, definitely. Understanding and forgiving don’t mean condoning. This is something that I worry about with my own son. Children take on so much and words have a lot of impact. I have PTSD and it’s going to be important to manage my condition well and not speak too much about it around my son. Of course, the balance there is to teach him that it is okay to have feelings and how to manage them at the same time.

    I’m sorry to hear that your mother was negative, critical and unable to give you love. It is difficult when you have a parent who isn’t ready to be a parent. You are such a special person, I know that you were a special child too and you deserved to be loved and told how special you were every day.

    Well done on forgiving your parents. It is not an easy thing to do. That is very true, I feel like the healing journey lasts a lifetime.

    That’s very kind of you to say Tee! I will try my hardest to live up to that. I just want him to grow up happily and have a good life. It would be a blessing to give him that opportunity.

    Wishing you all the best! 🙏❤️

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