Dear Hamza:

As I read your part in your original post, I was very impressed with your organized thinking, with how factually and clearly you presented yourself. I then read her part in your original post (her words), and I was even more impressed with her intelligence, emotional depth, care and tact.

At the end of Nov 2022, you apologized to her remorsefully, and you genuinely broke down in front of her crying, which is what she wanted to see for a long time, one would think: your vulnerability. But she did not fall in love with a vulnerable man, did she? She fell in love with a man who lacked vulnerability.

She broke up with you “due to (your) dismissive avoidance nature / ego / communication problems / lack of vulnerability“, but she also fell in love (and remained in love for a long time) with a man who was dismissive, avoidant and lacked vulnerability.

Following your genuine display of vulnerability, she felt “a great deal of solace“, but not the in-love type of love: “I’m not in love with you anymore.. I  lost the deep love I once felt for you… I do struggle to see a future for us“.

You wrote: “My mental health has suffered a lot and I am wondering what I should do from hereon. I still want her back but I’m starting to realise it may not be possible anymore. Do I try and re-attract her / reignite the ‘love’ at the risk of continuing to damage my mental health?“- my answer is no. Her in-love feelings will withdraw even farther if she becomes aware that you are trying to re-attract/ re-ignite her love.

“Do I stay in NC indefinitely and wait for her to reach out?… Do I send a goodbye message and cut the cord forever and move on?“- yes but after you see her one or two times, times in which you present yourself not the dismissive- avoidant man that you were before, and not as the vulnerable, perhaps desperate man you became, but instead: present yourself as a genuinely strong man, one who is kind and caring but also as emotionally independent of her as can be.

As intelligent as she is, she is not likely to be in control of her in-love feelings. There is a saying, the heart wants what the heart wants: she may not be able to feel attracted to/ in-love with a vulnerable-appearing man, even if she thinks that a vulnerable-appearing man is what she wants.

I am not suggesting that you dishonestly manipulate her by appearing this way or that way. What I am suggesting is that you bring to the surface the genuine strength within you, and present it to her. If she gets her in-love feelings back, it will not follow more displays of vulnerability of the desperate kind, and not following the kind of I-don’t-care/ dismissive-strength (which is not really strength). It will happen- if it will- following witnessing your genuine, decent and caring strength.

“Do I focus on healing myself and working on myself and reach out whenever I am ready?“- I would say yes to the first part, no to the second. If you work on yourself with the thought and intent in mind that you want her back, your work will not succeed.

“I am unsure if her email is a soft way of saying ‘it’s not going to happen’ and I should move on, or if she is genuinely open to getting to know me but the chances of falling in love are extremely small (but not zero)?“- show her that strength, and even if she is currently sure that she doesn’t feel those in-love feelings for you anymore, she may get those feelings back quicker than you can imagine. But real strength, on your part, means that you do not place your  mental and physical health in her hands, subject to her feelings and her choices!

anita

Dear Hamza: I will be able to reply to you Wed morning (in about 10 hours from now)

anita

Hi Hamza

I think it’s difficult because you said you’re not able to be friends with her because it would be too painful. To allow things to naturally develop, you would have to spend time with her again and be okay with the idea that a relationship with her may never happen. This is someone you love and you say being in communication with her is harming your mental health.

It sounds like you know what you need to do. The question is, are you ready to do that yet? Or do you need more time to process everything?

Dear Hamza: I will read and reply in about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear Hamza:

You are welcome, and (in regard to your apology in your most recent post): it’s okay to be incoherent at times.. you don’t have to be perfect here!

“Ok, being a man of strength and a man of my word is very important to me so I can see why I should be the one to contact her. That said, I am indeed sure that I will not be okay with a friendship with her, as it stands currently. And I do still desire a romantic relationship with her“- this is in your first of three recent posts, and it is as clear and coherent as can be.

“Maybe I’m not trying hard enough emotionally to let go and move on and accept friendship..“- when it comes to emotions, the harder you try to change them, the harder they persist and stay the same.

“If I reach out suggesting anything other than the fact I’m completely over it and happy to be friends, then it’ll just push her away“- I disagree: if you reach out to her and honestly tell her that you are not over her,  and therefore, you are not able to have a friendship with her, I don’t at all think that this honesty on your part will push her away.

“And if I reach out suggesting to be friends… And if I wait… I’m completely at a loss as to what to do.. I guess I’m just repeating myself at this point“- you are using your rational mind too much in matters that require the heart aka the emotional mind. You can’t solve complex emotional problems with the rational alone. When you try, you end up endlessly repeating yourself and getting nowhere.

“I am sure that as of right now, I’m not interested in a genuine friendship with her. I’m in a much better place mentally but the risk of regressing and getting hurt again if I opt to go down the friendship route is still high“- I agree that friendship with her is a bad idea.

“Yes I want another chance at a romantic relationship but I am prepared that this may never happen“- the thing about romantic love is that it is never guaranteed. Trying to make certain that it lasts forever is like trying to hold water with your bare hands: it’s impossible to do.

“What kind of message do I reach out with…  a path that allows me to show her the more balanced / caring / emotionally strong version of me one or two times, a path that isn’t disingenuous, and a path that allows me to walk away with grace and dignity and as little pain/regret as possible“-

– Here is what I suggest at this point of my understanding: answer her thoughtful, kind, thorough and honest message with an equally thoughtful, kind, thorough and honest message. Consider and edit (when you feel calm) what I suggest, so to make it your message, true and personal to you:

(1) In her email, she wrote to you: “The pain I felt during our relationship was too much“. Let her know that since the breakup, you focused on your own, post-breakup emotional pain, but you understand that she experienced a lot of emotional pain during the relationship, while you were unaware of it or indifferent to it. You understand that she broke up with you because she didn’t want to feel more of that pain, and you don’t want to cause her new pain by burdening her with your post-breakup pain: it won’t be fair to her. Your post-breakup pain is yours to carry, not hers.

(2) In her email, she wrote to you: “Let’s say we decide to spend time together occasionally over the next few months and see where things go. I fear that… I still will not be able to fall in love with you again. And… that will hurt you even more than you are hurting now, and will drag out that anguish longer“. Thank her very much for caring about your feelings, for not wanting you to hurt. Tell her that you feel that a friendship is a bad idea for the two of you because what you really want with her is not a friendship, but a love relationship, and therefore you cannot be content with a friendship alone; that a friendship is very likely to indeed cause you anguish. Tell her that you don’t want to drag out any anguish for yourself, nor do you want her to be touched by such unnecessary anguish.

(3) Thank her for her honesty, her thoughtfulness and love, tell her that you are forever grateful. Tell her that you want her back as a girlfriend (partner, you choose the word), but you respect her feelings and her wishes, and you want her to do what is right for her. Tell her that she does not owe you anything and that she owes herself a better life and a better relationship than the one she had with you.

– this is it. The message should not be long. I wouldn’t include in the message any talk about how much you hurt or have hurt, nothing further about what you learned from the relationship , no suggestion as to meeting her in-person, nothing about the upcoming July wedding… Nothing about the future and nothing at all that may burden her. Think of this message in terms of her benefit, not yours. After all, this is what love is about, isn’t it?

I see this a message as your best bet, your best chance for a lasting and improved mental health for yourself and for her- separately or together.

anita