Hi Anita,

Apologies I never came back to your last message my head has been all over the place recently.

I still haven’t sent the email. I’m thinking that:

– I have started healing  (still a very long way to go) and I’m fearful that any communication may open a can of worms and undo my healing

– I told her I need to work on myself and I’ll come back to her as soon as I am able, and so continuing to work on myself in silence for however long I need to may be what a) increases her respect for me and b) allows her to feel what life is like without me in it.

– Expressing that I still want her back and can’t accept friendship might push her further away, versus maybe if I just let it go for a few months (or even a few years) then who knows we may be able to rebuild a new relationship completely from scratch in the future

I guess it boils down to the same equation of risk vs. reward – any response from her to my email that isn’t a clear sign of wanting to get back with me is only going to cause me more pain and prolong my suffering.

That being said maybe it’s the only chance I have of putting the ball back in her court and forcing her to make a decision, rather than me disappearing indefinitely and her never reaching out to me because she thinks “well he said he would reach out and he never did so, I guess he doesn’t care, his loss”.

Sadly still unsure about best way forward. I guess I am focused solely on prioritising my health and my healing and letting everything else figure itself out rather than worrying about “she is expecting to hear from me soon, I should reach out to her”.

As for how I’m doing…. I’m on anti-depressants and am a lot more stable emotionally, still getting daily episodes of depression/crying/anxiety/insomnia/etc. but frequency and intensity seems to be reducing. I have accepted its going to be a very long and difficult road ahead.

Let me know if you have any further thoughts / advice.

Thank you so much for everything you have done for me so far, I am incredibly grateful.

After the last 4/5 months of therapy, reading, self-assessment, reflections, journalling, etc. I would say it’s a 70/30 split between it being my issues (being too dominant, controlling, not knowing how to handle conflicts or arguments, not being able to express my emotions, never being the first to apologise, narcissistic traits, dismissive avoidance attachment, etc.) and remaining 30% her simply not wanting to put in the effort to work on things and having absurdly high expectations.

She said things like “my partner should know what to do without me having to tell him” and “I don’t want to be the one to change you” and “you have a lot of growth to do and I don’t want to be part of that journey” and “I deserve someone fucking amazing”.

I do take accountability, I wasn’t a good partner, I took her for granted and didn’t show too much affection and had all the issues listed above.

We both were also extremely similar type A personalities, both extremely confident and extroverted, both self-sufficient and independent, and both disliked being challenged or criticised.

Her emotional maturity was far higher than mine though, earlier in the relationship she would always be the first one to make amends, explain to me that we’re on the same team, and that its healthy to argue sometimes (I hated conflict and would just fight or flight) etc.

So I think maybe she eventually realised that my problems were too deep rooted and in her words she lost the will to keep trying” and decided she was better off without me.

I just tell myself that whilst yes I made mistakes, maybe we just weren’t compatible and things weren’t meant to be, and if they were meant to be then she would have tried harder or she would’ve responded more warmly to my apology and given it a second chance.

I never wanted to cause her pain, but I look back and see that I wasn’t functioning with my adult brain but rather with my “inner child” who can be quite guarded / walled off / defensive / uncompromising / rigid / emotionless / etc.

That side of me kept me safe and brought me a lot of success in my life and career, but it’s the side of me that also cost me emotional intimacy and my relationship with the person I loved more than anyone.

So I’m learning how to forgive that side of me, accept that I made mistakes like all humans do, that she wasn’t perfect either, and that it wasn’t meant to be otherwise we’d still be together.

It’s been a completely soul destroying experience and it will take me years to fully recover and find someone that I can connect with someone at that level – but this is the path the universe has chosen for me and the path I must walk.

Hi Anita – I’m doing ok thanks, appreciate the check-in. Hope you’re well too.

Still in no-contact and oscillate between moving on from her and never reaching out so as to not continue prolonging my pain, versus reaching out and letting her know I’d like for us to get to know each other again and dealing with the risks that come.

It’s been 6 months since the breakup, and add on the additional 3-6 months that she likely spent mentally checking out during the relationship, I just fear looking like a complete fool if I reach out suggesting I still want her back or something to that effect when she probably doesn’t even think about me anymore.

Last few days I have been drafting three different messages and wondering which to send (I may never send any of them and let the universe work things out)….

1. Goodbye – I’m continuing to work on myself, being friends will be too painful, if your feelings change let me know, I wish you all the best, and thank you for the good times, etc.

2. Buy more time – I’m doing the work, few more things I need to put in place and it’s going to take more time, would still love to get to know each other again one day, you’re still important to me, take care, etc.

3. Try Again – I’m making progress, if you’re still open to getting to know each other again despite not being ‘in love’ then let me know I’d love to do that, I’ve put enough tools in place to not get hurt even if your feelings don’t come back, etc. OR just hey it’s been a while, would be nice to catchup and take things from there…

Most of the advice I’m getting is split between say goodbye and move on forever and that chasing is only going to stroke her ego and destroy your mental sanity further, versus try again casually to see if you can build a completely new dynamic/relationship, but only if you are confident you have fixed your side of the issues and are fully detached from the outcome / are prepared to get hurt again.

I’m still completely lost. I think the most honest and authentic is option 2…i.e. buy more time… because I’m still not ready. But again my fear is she’ll just think “this guy is delusional and still hasn’t moved on”.

Whilst I’ll appreciate your thoughts Anita, I know you’re probably tired of helping me with this so don’t feel obligated to respond!

Hi Anita, Helcat, or anyone else that can help.

Whilst I was healing and stuck in analysis paralysis in January about whether I reach out or not, a week before I decided to reach out I heard she was seeing someone else. This broke me completely. I continued to remain in no contact and heal. I then found out she got engaged. This once again broke me further and restarted my healing journey all over again.

I am still in no contact, and still healing. It’s been over a year since the breakup.

I am feeling 95% better and normal again, though still suffer from intrusive thoughts / memories of her on a daily basis.

Where do I go from here?

I feel shame that despite saying “I’ll get back to you”, I never got back to her, and wonder what she thinks about me. On the other hand, I also am starting to feel indifferent about the whole thing and thinking of never reaching out again.

Whilst I have deleted her from all social platforms, she still continues to follow me on instagram etc.

I am confused and stressed and anxious about what I do next. Do I block her. Do I remain indifferent and just forget about her and let her follow my instagram. Do I reach out and say “sorry i never got back to you, i was working on myself, i wish you well” to close the loop neatly and then disappear forever.

What do I do?