Dear saggad,

I am so sorry this happened to you. This woman sounds like a conwoman, and what she did was a criminal offense. Is there a way to prove that she sold your apartment without your permission and never gave you any money from it? Is there a way to press charges against her? Because that’s what you would need to do.

You don’t need to forgive her – you need to have things rectified because she stole you money, which as I said, is an offense. She would need to be held accountable.

Maybe if she could at least admit what she did and apologize (I know that she needed money for the treatment of her daughters) I could somehow find a way to forgive her.

She will never admit what she did, because that would be a proof of her crime. I even doubt that her daughters have cancer. She could have easily invented that, so you would give her money.

Is there anything you can do to press charges against her?

Dear Saggad.

I am so sorry that your loving & helping spirit was abused by this woman’s actions.

As you say at the moment & probably forever you will not get  legal restitution and it is not a financial imperative either.

A radical rethink may help.

You initially had altruistic intention to help her  by selling the car.

How would you feel if you thought that you gifted her the car & the apartment?

You can also make prayers for the health of her daughters and that the woman is happy  & content, because a person who is  truly happy & content will not steal or lie. Also wish that she may use any good fortune that she has to benefit others. You may think that this is a naive and unrealistic, but this is about restoring balance and healing to your mind.

What ever you do to heal will need to be done repeatedly each time the disturbing thoughts & memories occur.

Dear saggad,

oh I see, you were visiting her daughters in hospital, so you know for sure.

I checked your other thread as well, to understand a little better. Is this woman the same woman you had a long-distance relationship with, and then she broke it off when you couldn’t travel to her country (sometime in 2019)? Does it mean she had come to your country since, for her daughters’ treatment? And now she is gone again?

I am sorry you can’t do anything to seek justice. It’s good that you’re not too attached to the money and have mostly let it go, since you can earn it again.

What would the process of letting it go look like in a situation like this? While I’m almost sure forgiving doesn’t work when the person even doesn’t admit to what she has done. I tried but I couldn’t.

This woman was not what she was portraying herself to be. She was dishonest and used you for her purposes. Even if she had sick children and needed money for their treatment, the fact that she tricked you into writing your flat on her name and then selling it is a crime. So you’d need to accept that this woman is a liar and that she will never apologize, nor admit her actions. Not all women are like that, but you’d need to learn how to protect yourself from selfish, deceptive women in the future.

it is destroying my mental health and any future relationship that I could have.

Is it because you believe that you will be hurt like that again? That you can’t trust any woman?

If so, the best way to move on is to learn how to protect yourself from a similar disappointment in the future.

In your previous thread you mentioned that your first relationship was with a woman 12 yrs older than you, who only contacted you when she needed something from you. And that you were never intimate with her. Your second relationship was with a girl who wanted to change almost everything about you, and with whom you didn’t have anything common to talk about. And your 3rd relationship was long-distance, with a woman you said understood you, but couldn’t wait for you to move to her country. Presumably this is the woman who later cheated on you financially?

All 3 of those relationships were bad for you, with selfish and/or deceptive women. From your previous thread and anita’s correspondence with you, I think I understand why you were attracted to such women and why you didn’t recognize that those weren’t healthy relationships.

So I think one of the major tasks would be to start learning what a healthy relationship is and a healthy, supportive interaction between two people. Because you didn’t it have it too much in your childhood or adolescence.

I am sorry you didn’t therapy helpful. Otherwise a good therapist could be a perfect person with whom you can practice healthy communication, and who can meet some of your basic needs: of being seen, accepted, validated, mirrored… all those things you didn’t receive from your parents.

How does this sound? Was it of any help to you?

And of course, never give anything of value to people with money problems unless you are okay with losing it.

Dear saggad,

you are welcome.

Now I feel embarrassed besides anger and bitterness…

Well, as Helcat said, don’t blame yourself. You were young and naive and easily manipulated by a much more experienced woman. I concur with what Helcat said: the only person you need to forgive is yourself.

And you need to learn to recognize selfish women and unhealthy relationships, where you just give and give, and don’t receive anything.

Just a thought: it could be that you were attracted to older women, because they served as a mother figure, and you wanted love and appreciation from a mother figure?

Hi Saggad

We all make mistakes, especially when we’re young. I know I did. It hurts so much when you first learn that there are people like that in the world. Fortunately, there are good people in the world too. Having good experiences will help you learn to develop trust in others again.

A therapist taught me to identify unhealthy relationships. I understand that you haven’t found therapy helpful though.

Based on what you said, I think you already know how to identify difficulties. The question is why do you think you stayed in that relationship even though you knew it was unhealthy? Perhaps you need to trust your instincts when you notice problems?

There is a saying that helped me, “When someone shows you who they are listen.”

You have a very kind nature and bad people will use that against you to help themselves and in the process harm you.

Taking small steps when trusting people has been helpful for me. If they prove trustworthy, I can take another step and so on and so forth. If they prove untrustworthy, I step back.

My therapist always said that anger is a good thing. It let’s you know when your boundaries have been overstepped. Stealing someone’s house is unthinkable. You have every right to be angry. I can’t imagine how much pain that woman put you through.

These feelings will pass in time as you heal and process the trauma. It really is a severe trauma. It would actually be strange if you weren’t angry and hurt because of this situation. I know it’s painful, but it is an expected emotional response to such a devastating situation.

Please be patient with yourself and your emotions. Do your best to take care of yourself and your needs. Be extra kind to yourself while you hurt over this.