Home→Forums→Tough Times→Can light be shed on this situatuon?
- This topic has 4 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 11 months ago by Erin.
July 1, 2014 at 8:15 am #60037AnonymousInactive
I recently had a terrible falling out with someone I held very dearly to my heart. I asked what I had done wrong to her and she proceeded to explain that I told white lies, couldn’t be trusted, couldn’t be understood and was always unclear and not coherent, I put up a front, she got nothing out of our relationship (a friendship that lasted 2 years), I insulted her as an artist and I wasn’t one in her eyes,I don’t know who I am or who I want to be, I was repulsive, I hurt her, and that she can never forgive me (she doesn’t forgive easily as is and makes it her job after she comes to hate someone to make them suffer in some way, words she said herself). She is extremely intelligent and I would be lying if I said I didn’t put her on a pedestal. I apologized for everything I did and admitted to it all, regardless of whether I believed her accusations or not. She wasn’t going to take kindly to excuses and just wanted me to know how terrible of a person I am and how pitiful I am. She succeeded in that.
I wasn’t going to argue anything because she was firm on her beliefs and her feelings towards me. I couldn’t change them.
Shortly after our falling out I moved to a different city (this was a scheduled thing not because of what happened). We have all of the same direct best friends and im even best friends with her boyfriend. We had a very close circle of friends and all of us were a family. Now I have moved and she is still bitter towards me and has no problem venting about it with them. I now have this terrible anxiety about living here. I am scared to meet new people because I am afraid I won’t be myself around them or I will screw them over as well without knowing, and I am scared that my close circle of friends will listen to her back home and begin to feel how she does about me.
The bottom line is, I AM SCARED TO LIVE.
The things that I loved and was passionate about, I don’t feel like I deserve to love those things anymore. I am full of self hate that its ruining relationships that I have with people. I feel like a disappointment and a let down. I am talking to this guy that I was best friends with before we got together. He was so enthusiastic about me at first, but I was having that falling out with our friend and it has thrown me into a depression and I am not the same because of it. I feel as though im not living up to what he thought I was going to be like when we got together. I feel its bringing him down. My friends ask me how I have been and I say “Good!” and then they come visit me and they want to see a product of progress, but I have nothing to show because I have been here hating myself. Its like they hear what she says and they don’t want to believe it and they come visit me and I just prove her points more and they start to give up on me.
I am going to college in January and its a great college! So great that people congratulate me up and down for getting in and I was excited at first. Now its another thing I am terrified of. What do I do with myself? I don’t know who I am and I am afraid that when I find out its someone completely different and I lose the relationships I have.
I need some outside opinions, something direct so I can have an eye opener of some kind or anything at all.
Please help me and ask questions if you need more information
This was an EXTREMELY died down overview of whats been going on and the severity of the situation and its impact on me and others. I am in limbo right now and I just need some help of any kind since I can’t afford therapy at the moment.
CheyenneJuly 1, 2014 at 8:34 am #60038LaReasonParticipant
You sound like a sensitive person, like me. I had a similar situation when I was 22 (huge fight with egotistical friend, I moved away and worried incessantly about the lies she was spreading about me to friends in my old town). I finally just came to the conclusion that it really didn’t matter what others think about me. The truth is, you could be as close to perfect as possible and someone will still disapprove. You literally cannot base your self worth on someone else’s opinion. What makes them so holier than thou that they can dictate how you feel about yourself??
Losing a friend is hard, but I will tell you that anyone who acts that way is lashing out for a reason. Jealousy, emptiness, who knows what she is feeling inside, but it’s definitely not a reflection of you in any way. It’s a reflection of her lacking something in her life. People don’t behave that way because of something YOU did to them, they behave that way because they choose to.
Congratulations on getting into school! What a huge accomplishment. College changes a lot of things about you. I know when I went to college I was fairly certain of who I was, and four years later I was a completely different person (with completely different friends, by the way) and it was OKAY! It’s normal to be a little scared of the unknown, and change usually does make people a little uneasy. But instead of fighting that fear and obsessing over it, I suggest you realize that it’s an adventure, and worrying about it and being afraid of the possibilities is just going to ruin your entire experience. You have to seek an open mind and open heart, especially when trying something new.
I know a lot of people on this site will have better advice for you, but I just wanted to post to let you know that things are okay, you are okay, and you are loved just as you are. You don’t have to be a certain way for anyone else. Just be yourself. And if you aren’t sure who that person is, just start exploring! I’m 26 and still clueless. It’s okay! We don’t have to have everything figured out.July 1, 2014 at 9:07 am #60039AnonymousInactive
Thanks for your input, it was very helpful even though it was the first reply 🙂July 1, 2014 at 9:15 am #60040LaReasonParticipant
🙂 i wish you the best of luck! 🙂July 1, 2014 at 4:30 pm #60054ErinParticipant
Hi, how are you? Silly question right? First of all Please put the bat down. Stop beating yourself up my love you do not deserve it. I’m pretty sure we all have told white lies to serve whatever purpose whether business personal whatnot.. Sure more details would be helpful but the very apparent thing here is the lack of acceptance you have for yourself and the lack of love for yourself and that is a difficult and long journey, whatever the reason is whatever dynamic you grew up with it’s time to start the journey. I have dealt with a lot of crap and I have gone through a lot of therapy and what I learned is people think of me is none of my business. Yes we all need friends we all want to be accepted it’s a typical human desire. I spent a good bit of time alone with myself and at that time I truly didn’t like myself so it wasn’t exactly the best of company. These were the painful times “the Armageddon” and I need to tell you that this is a time that I truly grew as a person and learned to like myself. Right now in this very time I’m concerned for you and my heart hurts for you because I know where you’re at and it’s not a good space but if you cannot believe believe that I believe everything is going to be okay. I was told to look in the mirror and say I love myself the called affirmations it sounds hokey but do it I am no psychotherapist or anything like that but I have experience in self-loathing. Journal your thoughts to get them out of that beautiful head of yours. You sound like a very sweet person you don’t deserve this and if somebody doesn’t like you for you are especially when you’re going through hard times they’re not a friend. Friends except you when you’re going through hard times they ask you if you’re okay and can they help they don’t tell you what a huge pile of crap you are when you’re at your lowest point that’s not friendship. Sounds like there’s something deeper going on with them as well if you get pleasure by inflicting pain, there’s a word for that it’s probably a clinical word possibly a diagnosis not sure i’m not a doctor. I am sure without knowing you that you’re very kind and sweet person you would help someone if you’re walking down the street and he saw young woman crying I bet you any amount of money that you would stop and say are you okay.
One thing that absolutely helped me is I began to just try I try doing things that I wasn’t used to doing it because I knew that something had to give. When I was battling depression exercise is last thing that I wanted to do but I knew that it’s been clinically proven to fight depression or help at least so I began
to walk and I’m going to tell you what if the best thing that could’ve ever done so. I’m so glad that you posted this because you are reaching out and this is actually taking action for yourself. So things that helped me is I cut out people that weren’t for me or helpful-accepting.ect. I prayed for help, I learned Yoga which is very helpful. There are all kinds of YouTube videos on how to do things. I’m sure you get a lot of feedback here just take care of yourself do something nice for yourself even if it’s just showering,doing your hair and makeup, if you can go to the consignment shop and get a new shirt. Main thing is here is why should you be so undeserving of love and happiness what have you really done to deserve such despair? Please just don’t give up recognize the beauty within yourself and what you have to offer you may need to find new friends,they won’t know you and if you were telling white lies just practice being honest you have nothing to hide you just alone are enough. Make the decision to stop hating yourself don’t believe everything that you breathe. People of had lots of opinions about me my whole life and I used to succumb to them not anymore I just say keep breathing and MoveOn. Someone doesn’t like me and really that’s their problem I know I’m good personably so don’t intentionally hurt people and I have a caring heart, for some reason mean people like to hurt people like us. Study hard in school and give yourself a chance to really become who you were meant to be don’t give up to your emotions exercise to fight the depression smile when you want to cry, and education is the best thing you could do for yourself and you deserve it give it a chance!!!!!!
so basically what I’m saying is stop hating yourself and beating yourself up, get up and go walk -do some jumping jacks take a shower put on some shiny lipgloss and do not listen to depressing music set-listen to happy music something that makes you feel good be around people that make you feel good if that’s no one then fine go to church or somewhere where people are genuinely nice to people try department store were people say hi welcome to such and such how are you today. Please give yourself a fighting chance love yourself you are beautiful and worthy of love,good luck and please keep me updated I hope I didn’t offend you but I have a very personal reason for being worried. Life is too short and no one deserves this no one