Can our relationship be fixed

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This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by Valora.

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February 16, 2019 at 5:36 pm #280483
sparkle00
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Right from the start of our relationship I’ve had a problem very insecure about other women. Whether I would lose him to someone else. The last month we have started to fight verbally about it. He tells me if I just control worrying about other women it will be fine between us. But now I’m doubting if he wants to be with me, so I ask him and this causes further fighting. How do you know when to walk away or can it be saved. I’m now worried that he will tell me it’s over so I feel unsettled. I’m unsure if he wants to be with me or hates me. Sometimes I feel like Im holding him back from meeting someone who is happier in themselves and not with dramas. He’s a lovely man but I feel like the most horrible woman.
- This topic was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by sparkle00.
- This topic was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by sparkle00.
February 17, 2019 at 3:53 pm #280557

Scorpiolove
Participant

It sounds like you have some insecurities within yourself. Having these type of conversations with him will raise a concern, he chose and is with you and with these negatives assumptions from you will make a person think twice about being with you. How can you expect someone to want a relationship and love you when you don’t love yourself? Your’e living in self doubt. Search within and find why you are feeling like so? If because of past hurt relationships, you will have to take time out to get closure from your past and forgive and even so be honest with him so he can help work with you with trust issues.

February 18, 2019 at 10:58 pm #280711

Mark
Participant

sparkle00,

How old are you? How long have you been in this relationship? Have you been insecure in other relationships?

The way you present this, it sounds this is solely your personal issue that needs to be addressed. Look into therapy for yourself.

Mark

February 19, 2019 at 10:57 am #280863
sparkle00
Participant
4 years . I’m 39. I was in a previous relationship where I was dumped all the time. I had no respect for myself and let that person use me for everything. He sexually assaulted me when we first met but I stayed. He used to treat me like I was dumb so my confidence dropped. Then he dumped me finally when he found someone else and I found the love of my life . My partner treats me like a princess but I cause arguements to see if he truly loves me. When we go out I think he will stray and I won’t have him in my life anymore. It’s causes a panic. I start to become hyper and my heart races, things go through my mind like he’s going to marry someone else etc and I say things like I’m no good, not good enough, you love someone else, you want your old love back. I’m trying to fix it. By not reacting. I’ve never had someone love me like he does but I’m scared it will end.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by sparkle00. Reason: Change
- This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by sparkle00. Reason: Change
February 19, 2019 at 11:35 am #280891

Mark
Participant

sparkle00,

It is time you address this issue of low self confidence/self respect/self esteem.

How are you trying to fix it? It takes more than not reacting. This is an inside-out job where you really need to go inside to deal with this low self regard. Your panic attacks are not physically healthy either.

If/when anita weighs in, she will discern your family-of-origin reasons why you don’t have much regard for yourself. We can determine what it is but you really need to do the work to heal that part of you that is interfering with your life.

Mark

February 19, 2019 at 11:50 am #280895

Valora
Participant

Hi Sparkle00

Speaking from experience, your fears can and most likely will become a self-fulfilling prophecy if you don’t get a handle on them. Not that he will find someone he likes more, but that he will tire of not being trusted by you. Every boyfriend you have will tire of this, so it’s best to start changing your beliefs now. If you are able to regain self-confidence and self-worth, I think there is hope for salvaging the relationship. I would suggest that you start seeing a therapist regularly and let your boyfriend know that you realize that you have insecurities and fears that you need to work on and to please be patient with you while you do this.

In the meantime, try your best to discern which thoughts of yours are fears/insecurities (the ones that cause anxiety usually come from fear, not intuition) and then don’t argue with your boyfriend over those thoughts. It’s likely you’re picking fights with your boyfriend to try to ease the fear you’re feeling, but those fears are letting you know that you have issues from previous situations that you need to deal with and don’t likely reflect on anything your boyfriend is actually doing, so arguing with him won’t help to ease them. It ends up turning into a vicious cycle that won’t end until you change what you believe about yourself and others. Your beliefs CAN be changed, but it’s going to take work and strategy (guided by cognitive-behavioral therapy) on your part.

February 19, 2019 at 1:33 pm #280929

sparkle00
Participant

Also I’ve been going through perimenopause so that’s added to things. When you can’t have children I sort of think he might look else where. I’m the same age as him.

February 19, 2019 at 1:44 pm #280933
Valora
Participant
Do you know if he wants children? Adopting is always an option if you can’t have them and want them. If you’re both 39, though, it might not even be on his mind as that’s kind of late in life to start having kids, so you might find that that won’t be an issue with him at all anyway.

Do you think you might be focusing more on reasons that he might not want to be with you than focusing on reasons why he DOES? He has been with you for a long time, so he clearly has lots of reasons why he is choosing to be. Maybe taking some time to write down all of the things you think he might like about you or that he’s told you he likes will help you reframe how you’re thinking.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by Valora.
March 3, 2019 at 7:48 am #282599

Belinda
Participant

Dear sparkle00,

Once I read that you’re going through perimenopause, I thought “that’s exactly what I went through”. I am so very sorry that you are going through this, and I would like to try to give you some advice based on my own experience.

I am only 45 but postmenopausal for over 4 years now. When I started to notice something was not right with me, I was already going through perimenopause, but doctors just told me it was due to stress. Back then I was in a long-distance relationship and my paranoia caused by my messed up hormone levels almost caused it to break apart. I went through the same that you’re describing: worrying about your boyfriend cheating on you, being insecure about you being enough for him etc…….in my case it has gotten so bad that I ended up being severely depressed and when one doctor finally figured that I was in menopause at that very young age, I already needed antidepressants to help me (temporarily). I then moved on to taking St. John’s Wort and Black Cohosh, both natural remedies for anxiety and depression, and it did help to some extent. But eventually my hormone levels were so messed up that my doctor suggested to put me on HRT. Ever since I started (and I am now taking hormones for over 7 years) I felt like myself again. My paranoia subsided eventually and I became calmer and stopped seeing things where there were none (like my partner cheating on me etc.).

Now I am not a doctor, and maybe your case is totally different, but to me it looks like your hormones are messed up and that could be the reason you feel the way you do, and which makes you act like that. Find a doctor you trust and do a hormone level test. If the hormones are really out of whack, you may consider starting HRT or at least try it for a few months to see if/how it changes things. For me it was a blessing, because I was feeling so bad that it just wasn’t a good life anymore, being like that.

I wish you all the best and hope you figure this out before things go worse.
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