Can't decide between friendship & marital relation

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This topic has 9 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 5 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 1, 2018 at 4:34 pm #210397

Rewati
Participant

Hi

I need a little advice as have always been a confused person.

I have been blessed by friendship & love.

My husband & me have a common best friend. She is really caring a pure soul & loves us with all her heart.

Before she was only my close friend. Then she got emotionally close to my husband as well during her time of crisis. They really share an emotional platonic friendship & are really close. Such true friendship is rare & blessed are the ones who has it.

We all trust each other.

My husband is an introvert & does not have many friends. But he gives 100% to any relation once he commits.

Problem started some months back when I started feeling jealous unwanted & left out. I started feeling that my husband was sharing lots of emotional talks with her. I felt as if it was my right. Sometimes I feel that there is some type of distance between my husband & me. When they are together they have quite a lot to talk than us

I felt insecure & tried to disconnect a little with my friend but somehow she realised. She cried a lot & told me to never leave her & always be her friend. She asked me if she has committed any mistake. I just told her that she was imagining things.

But there was something which was disturbing me & making me upset

One night my husband was sleeping & I started checking his phone out of curiosity. I just wanted to read their messages.I don’t know what went on me. My husband woke up & saw this. We din’t have a fight or arguements but he was really upset & sad that I was not able to take their friendship. I could see the pain on his face.

I really felt sad & tried to move on.

But then just lost it one day & started taunting her. I told them that I was feeling left out. They both love me very much & told me that they both are ready to step back in their friendship if I am not comfortable. They din’t understand what was the problem & I was ashamed of telling them

My friend’s husband told her that it was because she was getting too emotionally attached to my husband that was making me feel angry & upset

She talked to me & we were very transparent to each other. She told me that when she puts her feet in my shoes she understands me very well & what I am feeling. She told me that as a wife it’s obvious I will feel jealous.

She is ready to do anything for me & can break their friendship. But I don’t want them to do that as both will be really hurt. I really love them both & dont want to hurt them.

So she told me to help her & I get more closer emotionally to my husband so slowly he will be detached from her. She will stop emotionally where she is.By accepting to do this as well I don’t feel good.

I can’t decide what to do. I do love both of them & can’t hurt them so feel that I shd leave it on time as it is cause their friendship is true & really rare to get a true friend . On the other hand there’s something that hurts me or upsets me when I see them sharing feelings

Please share your advice

June 1, 2018 at 6:52 pm #210409

Mark
Participant

Rewati,

Your husband is having an emotional affair. With any affair, it is damaging to the marriage. Solution for the affair is to have the two parties break it off. Anything that needs to be shared/said should be done with you present. No more tete-a-tete.

Your husband’s deep emotional connection should go to his wife. Your friend’s deep emotional sharing/help should be with her therapist and/or her friend(s).

Mark

June 2, 2018 at 2:35 am #210443

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rewati:

It is my understanding that the mutual friend is married as well.

One idea that came to my mind was that the four of you to come together for a group talk: you, your husband, your mutual friend and her husband. Each one can share how they feel about this special friendship. Maybe a solution will appear during or following such talks.

What do you think about this idea?

anita

June 2, 2018 at 7:15 am #210461

Rewati
Participant

Thanks Mark for your advice. May be you are right but I don’t really want to break their friendship or hurt any of the two.

Thanks Anita.

I think your idea is great. But they all know that I am not really able to take too much of their friendship though am trying to act cool as it is clearly visible on my face.

You just want me to talk about it so it’s a face to face conversation.

I don’t want to break their friendship but want them to take a bit of control. We are a group of 3 couples & 2 days back we had an outing. These 2 kept on going with their conversation as if other 4 didnt exist. Their talks are about regular daily things or likes & dislikes.

Our other friends told that it was as if we didnt exist

Should I start ignoring it?This is really hurting me

When we have a conversation Shd I mention that I am not really comfortable with their too much emotional involvement?

Thanks

June 2, 2018 at 7:45 am #210467

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Rewati:

You are welcome.

You wrote: “This is really hurting me”. Then you asked: “When we have a conversation should I mention that I am not really comfortable with their too much emotional involvement?”

My answer: absolutely, but add that you are not only uncomfortable, but that it is really hurting you.

Once your husband hears it, what will be his response, I wonder. What will be the friend’s response. Maybe she will suggest to end their special friendship, and then you will express that you don’t want them to end their friendship. What will they say then, each one of them, individually. I wonder.

It is a matter of value. You value their friendship. But do you value your own emotional health? And then, does your husband value it.. and your friend.

What does each one of you value more?

If the friendship is valued more, maybe the solution is to end the marriage. But I am running ahead of myself, first have the group talk.

anita

June 2, 2018 at 8:13 am #210469
Inky
Participant
Hi Rewati,

Your friend and your husband are having an emotional affair. Yet it is somehow your problem that you are not OK with it!

Listen, I get it. Some people get along like a house on fire.

What I would do is plan a dozen outings that’s JUST you and your husband. Season tickets to a playhouse or sporting event are great.

Meet with the friend group about half the time (season tickets will help with this!). Invite other people into the mix. Every. Time. When they talk amongst themselves YOU talk to some interesting NEW guy you invite into the group. Even if she is talking to someone new, Your husband should suddenly and instinctively remember how awesome you are and that you two were the original house on fire!

Let me tell you, sometimes all it takes to renew interest is to wear a happy new outfit, get a new hairstyle, nails done, and walk around the house singing happily to yourself as if you had a secret. Decorate the house a little, come back from a massage. SINGING, remember! He will be all, “What is she so happy about??” (I’m just happy to be with you, honey! you’ll chirp.) It will drive him nuts! And give him something new to think about! YOU!

Don’t mention this issue to them again, either. You’re the one with a happy secret, after all!

Good Luck,

Inky
- This reply was modified 6 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
June 2, 2018 at 8:23 am #210479

Mark
Participant

Rewati,

So you would rather have your friend and husband continue to have their emotional affair than have a good marriage?

I’m with anita. What do you and your husband value more? Your emotional health?

I don’t believe it is all-or-nothing with any friendship. I have several close friendships with married women. I do not make it my be all and only kind of friendship like what you describe that is between your friend and husband. They decide to exclude you in their conversation. That is disrespectful.

I encourage you to take control of your marriage. Why can’t you share your discomfort and hurt with your husband? If you two don’t have that level of intimacy, trust and communication then that is what needs to be worked on between you two. Also notice that you are not loving yourself first by putting yourself first by expressing that hurt.

Mark

June 2, 2018 at 7:36 pm #210495

Rewati
Participant

Thank you Inki, Anita & Mark. I feel confident now with your advice to put myself first & take some action.

June 2, 2018 at 7:36 pm #210497

Rewati
Participant

Thank you Inki, Anita & Mark. I feel confident now with your advice to put myself first & take some action.

June 3, 2018 at 3:50 am #210529

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Rewati. Post again anytime.

anita
Author

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