Dear plainsong:

It is painful for you, this is obvious. You want the pain to stop. I understand your need for relief from your pain and if you’d like, we can go back and forth on this thread for as long as you need to find this relief from your great pain, your intense distress. You will feel better and it will happen once you learned enough from what happened. It doesn’t need to be the end of the world. It is better that, for one, you quit your job, if you have to, than end it all.

But maybe you don’t have to quit your job. Let’s talk about it. Do tell me what happened: how did the relationship start? What was his participation in it and what was yours?

What was your life before this relationship like?

I will be back to the computer in a couple of hours. Please be strong. Looking forward to read more from you!

anita

Dear plainsong:

You wrote in your original post: “I have a pretty simple story, one you will probably laugh at.” I am not going to laugh at you. There is nothing funny about your pain.

I asked you to share about the relationship with this man. Maybe it is too painful for you to share. If this is the case, I withdraw my suggestion that you share about it. Please do share about how you feel.

You are not the only person in the world who has made a mistake, or who chose unwisely. As a matter of fact there is no single person in the world who has not made (many) mistakes and chose unwisely. I did. Many of my choices were done with little awareness and out of distress and desperation. You are here on this website among equals, not superiors.

Please post again-

anita

Dear plainsong:

To your questions: no, I don’t think you should forgive him. And no, I don’t think you should be his friend.

You are angry at him. He told you that he was getting a divorce and he didn’t. Not only did he not get a divorce but he is going to a second honeymoon with his wife. You believed, I assume, that he will divorce his wife and get together with you. Instead, you are now back to being his co worker and he seems happily married.

Your hurt and anger is understandable.

And sure, you made a mistake to get involved with a man who was still married. Better if at the most, you would have been his friend until his separation from his wife was complete. As to did he make a mistake? Good question. Doesn’t seem like he made a mistake because he seems happy.

Go and tell him, tell him that he hurt you, that you feel used. Express your anger with your voice. Make it clear. Tell him how you feel. Let him feel that he made a mistake, that indeed there is someone hurt following this whole ordeal.

Let him know. Let him know there is someone who matters, and that someone (you) is hurt.

Please post again:

anita

Just an observation; when I read these threads what is the one commonality that they all share? Every single problem that people write in is about their relationships and experiences with other people. Do you think there is a connection to the fact that Buddha and Lao tze were hermits? Hermits were always considered wise by religions and cultures all over the world. From Christians to Buddhists, Daoists, hindu’s etc Maybe these guys figured something out?

• This reply was modified 8 years, 7 months ago by Kirk.

Dear plainsong:

From your descriptions it does seem that your hurt- if he at all sees it- does not matter to him. What I am suggesting to you is that the only possible conclusion that you came up with, that is, that you are not worthy of love, is far from being the only possible conclusion. There are others and I can come up with a few. Before I do, you wrote that you cannot be angry at him for loving his wife. I think you can be angry with him for any reason. No need to “justify” your anger. Your anger is real and it has a valid message for you. Not a good idea to “should” your feelings, “should be happy for him”- no, you feel what you feel and it is okay.

Would you like me to come up with possibilities, or can you? Will you try to figure other conclusions that are possible?

anita

Dear plainsong:

You sure give this man a whole lot of power. But who the *$&^ is he to determine that you are worthy- or not worthy- of love? Who is he to determine if you should live or die?

Again, from your description it seems like he didn’t.. notice that you are hurt, or if he did, it was a passing thought that he placed away from his awareness. Your descriptions of him does not indicate to me that he loves his wife either. It indicates to me that he wants the marriage to exist and to continue to exist, that he wants his co workers to believe his marriage is all better now.

The fact that he doesn’t see your hurt, doesn’t care is telling me that he is not a decent man. His ability to love others is not that great. it is seriously compromised. So there is not a happily-ever-after ending to his marriage. There are and will be more and more problems there, most likely.

What you see, his happiness, is what he wants to feel and what he wants others to think that he feels.

So you base your worthiness of love on the behavior of a man compromised in his ability to love, a man focusing on appearing loving to his wife?

anita