Dear urooz:

I hope the other member responds to your last post. My comment is regarding your last sentence: “In my marriage, there is no love but there is care and respect which my so called love can never provide me”-

Care and respect are the basic ingredients of love. Without care and respect there is no love. And so, I agree with you that what this man is offering you is a “so called love”- he calls it love but it is not.

I sure hope that he doesn’t have the power to force this so called love on you further, that you can say No.

anita

Lastly, if I were you, with all this planning that he has shared, I would not marry him even as a visible wife! Who knows when he would bring a hidden wife!

Dear urooz:

Welcome back to your thread.

What is your current anxiety about, what is it that you fear, now that you found out that he got married before, when you were in a relationship with him, but didn’t tell you that he did?

anita

Dear urooz:

Let’s figure out what this is about first. I will tell you what I think it is about and you can tell me if I am correct partly or fully:

I think what you feel is about two things: emotional attachment to this man and betrayal. When we are separated from a person to whom we are emotionally attached, we become fearful, anxious. When you found out that he was married the separation perhaps became raw again, and more final than before.

But the other thing is betrayal. Three months ago, while he was already married, he told you that he loved you and he didn’t tell you that he was married. He didn’t tell you.

You feel angry at him and want to let him know that you found out, that you are not a fool.

Am I correct?

anita

Dear urooz:

It is a terrible thing to be betrayed. And yet people betray others a whole lot. This is a very unfortunate reality. Betray others’ trust and keep going with their lives.

Before figuring whether to contact him, make sure that you are not betraying others as you figure out what to do.

You are married and your husband cares for and respects you. Have you been betraying him when you were in a relationship with this man? Does he trust you and have you betrayed his trust?

All betrayal is a bad thing, this man’s betrayal of your trust and your betrayal of your husband’s trust (assuming he trusts you).

What do you think?

anita

Dear urooz:

I don’t think god is punishing you. Like I wrote in the earlier post to you, betrayal happens a whole lot. People who are innocent, young children, are often betrayed by the adults they naturally trust. Young children are not being punished, are they, for they did not betray anyone.

No need to apologize for wishing this man was punished. When we feel anger we want just that, that the person we are angry at will hurt.

If you call him, he is not likely to say something like: I am so sorry, urooz, let me make it up to you by..(?). There is not likely to be a resolution to your betrayal.

It hurts so let it hurt because it does. Feel the anger and accept it as a natural consequence of being hurt. And then attend to your marriage with a new sense of empathy and responsibility: protect your husband from experience the betrayal you are suffering from.

Treat your husband well, be worthy of his trust in you.

anita

Dear urooz:

You are welcome.

In your post before last you wrote: “What bothers me is why is it bothering me… why am I having anxiety and all that.”- because it is scary to be betrayed. It is like falling down, nothing to hold on to, isn’t it?

Falling down is scary. I am thinking you were probably betrayed before, as a child. So many of us, when children, have been betrayed.

Treat yourself and your husband well. You wrote before that there is care and respect there. These two things are a whole lot. Be a safe, trustworthy place for him as he is these things for you.

anita