Hi Anita,

The main 2 things that kept coming back was his ex and half way through our relationship he cheated.

The constant issues with the ex was that she was extremely angry and bitter. She claimed he cheated on her and she kicked him out because of it. He claimed otherwise. I believed this of course until he did it to me however, he still claimed to this day he never cheated on her.
She swore to him that she would make his life as hard as possible and she kept to her word. Even to the point of using their kids. He allowed her to control him through them. I would get upset because he never stood up to her. It seemed he would just let her and others walk all over him. He would just let it all happen. I guess he finally decided to “stand up for himself and walk out on me”?? … it seems that way.

I am not perfect by any means. I know my faults and sometimes I would try so hard to be understanding. When the cheating happened he said it was because of how I treated him and because of my insecurities. I put them on him and for about 3 weeks he felt so much pressure and felt things were so “crap” that I pushed him to it. Needless to say my world crumbled. I cried and cried and told him that I would never be able to see him the same way. I saw him as this sweet, quiet gentle soul who would never hurt anyone, specially me who he claimed to love so much. I tried to break it off numerous times but he wouldn’t allow it and would say “it meant nothing and it was not worth breaking up over and that he loved me”. He eventually said that it was him to blame and he was weak and stupid and he shouldn’t have blamed me.

I tried so hard to move past it but something inside kept telling me that someone that truly loves you wouldn’t hurt you and wouldn’t blame you if they did hurt you. Sometimes these feelings would be so intense that I would ask him about it and he kept assuring me that he loved me and would never ever hurt me again. I guess my insecurities of not being enough for him were made bigger.

@ramonejospeh, thank you for your advice and i am so sorry you are going through this too. I will try to do what you are suggesting. It is just hard as sometimes I don’t have the will to do anything. Don’t know how I manage to even get out of bed and go to work everyday.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me.

As hard as it is to see it that way, yes you are probably right. Perhaps I should’ve seen it and I guess cutting me off his life was the easiest decision. I never expected or thought he would cut his children or the ex because of his kids. I was the easiest choice.

I understand this… but it doesn’t take away the pain. I helped him through it all and now feel that if I had been more understandind and less selfish I might not have lost him. Or perhaps my only purpose was to help him through the hardship he was facing when I met him.
Either way I get hurt and I am left picking up the pieces. I stood by him no matter what and the minute he got an opening he “ran”. I never stopped him from being a good father. I encouraged it. I suggested things he could do but I suppose I didn’t try hard enough and wasn’t looking at the whole picture.

It hurts so much. Everyday. I can’t breathe sometimes because the pain is so deep.

Thanks Anita. For taking the time to respond.

Dear Anita,

It didn’t make me feel worse than I already do. The little I got when he left was it was my fault. He did this for “me” because I wasn’t happy by the way I spoke to him and that even though he cheated I should’ve moved on by now, so the fact that he had to let go “one of the warzones” it was always going to be me. I was never more important than his children and the ex he was so desperately trying to make peace with. She was relentless and yeah, it got to me because he allowed it all to happen. she was so disrespectful to him in front of his kids and he just let it happen because if he stood up to her she would call the police.

He was also unhappy at work. Was demoted and made to work days he shouldn’t have to. I told him to leave his job and find another as I worked and I would help support him until he found one (he was even offered a job by someone I knew) but he said he had been there so long it was stable and the money was easy. So that was another war zone which he wasn’t letting go of..

All in all it seems I was always going to come out the loser. Maybe why I questioned his love for me from time to time and towards the end I was very insecure. I keep getting told that hurting over someone who doesn’t love me and left me the way he did is not worth my tears or pain. All I believe is that I drove him away and the pain I am enduring is my doing for being so selfish and adding pressure to him when I should’ve just supported him… I am so lost and have no idea how to deal with this.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 12 months ago by Fazc.