Forum Replies Created
January 4, 2017 at 4:03 pm #124543
I thought I would write to you because I too am facing a difficult time similar to yours.
My bf of 4yrs left almost 2 months ago. It devastated my world because I too believed this was it and I had found the person I would grow old with. He on the other hand didn’t want that and walked out never to look back. I tried to contact him to somehow make him see the possible mistake he was making but it only brought me more pain and held me in a place of limbo. Holding onto the “dream” he would come back. I still think to this day how he could’ve left like that after only a few days before telling me how much he loved me and assuring me his feelings were true and lasting. How someone can just forget you and throw 4yrs away like they meant nothing, like I meant nothing.
I am also beginning my 40’s and so so scared that I won’t find someone. I feel I have a lot of love to give and always hoped that I was deserving of love…. I have slowly started the process of letting him and the imaginary life I thought we would have gone. I think the fear of being alone kept me holding onto him for dear life, even when sometimes I felt it in my gut that he wasn’t feeling what I felt. He treated me so nice, sweet and would honestly do anything for me. Made me feel special and beautiful and wanted. I don’t know if I maybe didn’t want to face the reality that this person was not the one because the thought of not having him and no one else wanting me was too hard to handle.
I guess the purpose of me writing to you is that you are not alone in feeling this way. Everyday for me is a struggle and I hurt so much sometimes that I truly believe that I have somehow done something wrong to deserve this feelings. That I am cursed to not be loved and honestly never recover from this pain. I feel broken inside…. but each day I still get up and hope for this to pass. Hope that I can be happy one day even if it means not having someone special by my side. I can only have hope right now.
Much love to you and hope somehow I help, even if it just lets you see that you are not alone in what you feel.
XXJanuary 1, 2017 at 11:37 pm #124258
Thank you. I will tell myself that every time I start to feel any bad feelings. In the end I didn’t give up. I tried until the very end. It’s been 2 days since I spoke to him and now that I replay the conversation in my head I realise he left the relationship a long time ago. It was like the person I spoke to wasn’t the man I loved. It’s like he is gone. The man I loved and wanted is gone. The man i spoke to wasn’t him. So in a way I am more glad now I called. I know it’ll be hard. I have a lot of work to do, but I will. I must. I can’t be defined by his choice to leave me. I can’t believe I am not worthy because HE thinks that. I must believe I deserve love. Deserve a good person. I must believe this.
I haven’t heard from him but I will not wait. I know he won’t come back. HE knows too. He just didn’t have the decency or courage to tell me right then on the phone, why I’ll never know.. he could’ve just told me then and there and not leave me wondering. I need to find my inner strength somehow.
Again, thanks Anita for your words, hard or not they help.January 1, 2017 at 12:56 am #124196
Happy New Year to all.
I broke no contact last night (nye). I felt there was so much I needed to tell him and that we could honestly sit down and talk about what he needed and what I needed and can work through it. He said he needed time to think about it as there are other things he needs to consider now.
So now I am waiting and stressed and scared because though he didn’t say no on the spot, he didn’t say yes and it’s been a day now. I am expecting the worst.
I know this was my own doing and they say it’s best to NC for a reason. I just felt I needed to try to see if there is a chance. I am glad I did it but I am also not glad since now i have put myself in a bad, stressful position.
@Bernadette @ Kirstyleigh thank you both for taking the time to write encouraging words to me. I feel a little disappointed in myself for not being strong enough and perhaps not reading your comments before i called him. I know what ever happens is meant to but I am so so scared now. Scared because if I get the answer I don’t want I don’t know how I will handle it.December 30, 2016 at 4:30 pm #124033
@anita, thank you. Though as hard as it is you’re right. I just see no end to this heartache. I keep wanting this painful feelings gone but the more I fight it the more they hang around. I have to let him go or I know I’ll be stuck feeling like this. Stop thinking about why he didn’t love me, why he didn’t stay, why I wasn’t enough… all the “why’s”… I don’t know how to stop beating up myself up and stop feeling that I lost him. I didn’t do enough to make him want to stay and love me.
@ramonejoseph, You’re situation is very similar aside from her contacting you. Mine has never done so and won’t. I don’t know what’s worse though.. as long as you’re happy with what you decide is the main thing I guess. I hope I get to that point where I can stop thinking and find peace with it all. I’m sorry I can’t offer any more to you. I’m so lost myself.December 30, 2016 at 3:33 am #123985
I’m sorry you’re hurting too.
So you’re still with him even though you feel he doesn’t want to be with you? Is that what you mean?
I packed up my things and my daughter and drove for over 3hrs until we found a little hotel to stay near a beach. Being New Years I just couldn’t bare the thought of staying at home. I needed to go somewhere that I’ve never been to so I could breathe. Only here until New Year’s Day but I’m so happy I did it. I feel a little bit lighter. A bit more calm.
I get scared that I won’t recover from this. That he has broken me to the point of no return. But I fight those thoughts. My girl needs her mum strong and happy or I won’t be any good to her. She’s my reason to keep going.
I’m here for you too Snowy29. Thank you.December 29, 2016 at 9:45 pm #123975
I’ve tried but the thoughts and me missing him and wishing I’d handled things better are consuming me. I just never ever thought he’d leave me, specially the way he did. I believed in him, in us and thought since we’d been through so much together that we’d get through anything.
He has gone and not looked back. Not a single call, text or attempt to contact me. Nothing. I find sometimes waking up thinking it’s all a nightmare and that he’ll come back. I just don’t know what to do. How does one let go of someone you loved so deeply and not be consumed by this pain which at most times is unbearable??
I am so broken inside.December 29, 2016 at 2:11 pm #123950
I should add that I NEVER wanted to be more important than his children. If I was then that would say a lot about him as a father. He is a wonderful father which I loved about him.December 29, 2016 at 2:03 pm #123948
It didn’t make me feel worse than I already do. The little I got when he left was it was my fault. He did this for “me” because I wasn’t happy by the way I spoke to him and that even though he cheated I should’ve moved on by now, so the fact that he had to let go “one of the warzones” it was always going to be me. I was never more important than his children and the ex he was so desperately trying to make peace with. She was relentless and yeah, it got to me because he allowed it all to happen. she was so disrespectful to him in front of his kids and he just let it happen because if he stood up to her she would call the police.
He was also unhappy at work. Was demoted and made to work days he shouldn’t have to. I told him to leave his job and find another as I worked and I would help support him until he found one (he was even offered a job by someone I knew) but he said he had been there so long it was stable and the money was easy. So that was another war zone which he wasn’t letting go of..
All in all it seems I was always going to come out the loser. Maybe why I questioned his love for me from time to time and towards the end I was very insecure. I keep getting told that hurting over someone who doesn’t love me and left me the way he did is not worth my tears or pain. All I believe is that I drove him away and the pain I am enduring is my doing for being so selfish and adding pressure to him when I should’ve just supported him… I am so lost and have no idea how to deal with this.
December 29, 2016 at 12:45 pm #123938
- This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by Fazc.
I understand this… but it doesn’t take away the pain. I helped him through it all and now feel that if I had been more understandind and less selfish I might not have lost him. Or perhaps my only purpose was to help him through the hardship he was facing when I met him.
Either way I get hurt and I am left picking up the pieces. I stood by him no matter what and the minute he got an opening he “ran”. I never stopped him from being a good father. I encouraged it. I suggested things he could do but I suppose I didn’t try hard enough and wasn’t looking at the whole picture.
It hurts so much. Everyday. I can’t breathe sometimes because the pain is so deep.
Thanks Anita. For taking the time to respond.December 28, 2016 at 8:09 pm #123854
As hard as it is to see it that way, yes you are probably right. Perhaps I should’ve seen it and I guess cutting me off his life was the easiest decision. I never expected or thought he would cut his children or the ex because of his kids. I was the easiest choice.December 28, 2016 at 4:04 pm #123830
The main 2 things that kept coming back was his ex and half way through our relationship he cheated.
The constant issues with the ex was that she was extremely angry and bitter. She claimed he cheated on her and she kicked him out because of it. He claimed otherwise. I believed this of course until he did it to me however, he still claimed to this day he never cheated on her.
She swore to him that she would make his life as hard as possible and she kept to her word. Even to the point of using their kids. He allowed her to control him through them. I would get upset because he never stood up to her. It seemed he would just let her and others walk all over him. He would just let it all happen. I guess he finally decided to “stand up for himself and walk out on me”?? … it seems that way.
I am not perfect by any means. I know my faults and sometimes I would try so hard to be understanding. When the cheating happened he said it was because of how I treated him and because of my insecurities. I put them on him and for about 3 weeks he felt so much pressure and felt things were so “crap” that I pushed him to it. Needless to say my world crumbled. I cried and cried and told him that I would never be able to see him the same way. I saw him as this sweet, quiet gentle soul who would never hurt anyone, specially me who he claimed to love so much. I tried to break it off numerous times but he wouldn’t allow it and would say “it meant nothing and it was not worth breaking up over and that he loved me”. He eventually said that it was him to blame and he was weak and stupid and he shouldn’t have blamed me.
I tried so hard to move past it but something inside kept telling me that someone that truly loves you wouldn’t hurt you and wouldn’t blame you if they did hurt you. Sometimes these feelings would be so intense that I would ask him about it and he kept assuring me that he loved me and would never ever hurt me again. I guess my insecurities of not being enough for him were made bigger.
@ramonejospeh, thank you for your advice and i am so sorry you are going through this too. I will try to do what you are suggesting. It is just hard as sometimes I don’t have the will to do anything. Don’t know how I manage to even get out of bed and go to work everyday.
Thank you for taking the time to write to me.December 27, 2016 at 7:50 pm #123765
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I did experience some improvements but this all began to feel worse and worse when I realised this person who claimed to love me and wanted to stay with me is gone when my last attempt to talk/fix things was shut down. Once that happened this pain hasn’t stopped. I guess I was holding onto hope he would realise his mistake. I think I still am and as days go by I get worse because it becomes more clear he isn’t coming back.
I do feel bad sometimes because I know people have endured so much more and yet this feel so overwhelming that I can’t see past it. I beat myself up for not being able to control my sadness, my fears and my wanting him to come back.
I wish he had been more honest since I don’t believe someone wakes up one day and realises they aren’t in love anymore or they don’t want you. He must’ve been feeling like this for a while and was just waiting for the opportunity. I just have so many questions to answers I will never get it seems.December 15, 2016 at 6:43 pm #122829
I am new to this site and having great difficulty with a break up.
Found this thread really insightful and am now really questioning a lot. I am definitely stuck on #5 though 4-7 are also high on my list.
It is a great idea to perhaps bring this thread at the start from time to time as I have been scrolling through pages and pages until I found this.December 1, 2016 at 9:22 pm #121722
My story is very similar to yours. My heart was broken over 3 weeks now. After 4yrs together he decided that we aren’t compatible and chose a life without me and left.
The first 2 weeks were unbearable. The pain i felt it was almost too hard to breathe. I just didn’t imagine a life without him.
This week however, I have been able to breathe. I have noticed that I have been able to control a little better the amount of crying, how much pain I allow myself to feel.
What I’m trying to let you know is that you must let yourself feel the pain before it can get better. There was a moment there where it truly felt never ending but the fact that I have been able to feel small glimpses of happy feelings and can see a future is such a releif.
You will heal, you will feel better. I beleive that now. You just have to want to. I have found many articles on this site so helpful. Please read some of them.
You are not alone in this.